Why do I have to be so awkward around new people? I don’t really care what they think of me. I wish I would still say, “I don’t care what they think of me.” But I do… And that’s what sucks the most. I get told that I’m funny, but I feel like a fool. I feel as though I’m going though more than half my life in a daze not knowing what to do or say. Ugh, hell I don’t even know what to say now as I’m writing this. Â And I can’t even give a presentationÂ without having a panic attack or choking on my own words. I hate being judged and told what to do, I hate when someone tells me that I’m wrong or cant do anything, because it makes me feel worthless. but I know I’m not, and the people around me care… or at least I think they do… I’m not sure. I need to stop being like this, but I can’t.
I saw one of my old friends at college & career today…
we exchanged smiles and waves.
We sat far away, Â never talking just movements.
I’m happy that she’s happy now.
We hugged goodbye and that was that.
I find it weird how we never said a word to each other just smiled, waved, than hugged.
She was so sad when I first met her.
Am I wrong for saying if people want to hurt/ kill themselves it’s okay? o – o
Like I understand if your crying out for help and want to change that’s okay, and I’ll even try to help.
Because if you were really going to kill yourself you wouldn’t say anything… or at least I wouldn’t…
Any ways It wouldn’t matter what people say.. but if your really trying and looking for a reason not to do it message me on my email and I’ll talk to you I will be there for you.
Sorry to the people that will be & were, Â “Butt-Hurt.” By my thoughts.
If you are going to post hate-mail or spam don’t even bother.
You messed with my heart.
I can no longer be your friend.
You say your sorry, but your not… You’re only saying those things for her.
She cares, Â she’s my friend.
She knows you hurt me. Â So she told you to say sorry.
You say you’re cruel but I don’t think so.
You were so nice.
But I have to say goodbye.
School starts back soon.
I’m not ready… I don’t even have binders and folders yet. I’m so lame.
I’ll be laughed at for having the same back-pack for 2 years.
I’ll fail at my classes because I’m not smart enough.
I’ll go back in depression for not having any one to talk to.
I’ll have to eat by myself, or with my brother and his friends that think I’m dumb.
I don’t want to go back to that hell hole.
I hate it.
You’re my friend, or at least I thought you were…
I’m not a toy that you can use.
I have feelings.
You are not here when I need you, you don’t care.
When I cry out for help, you act like you didn’t hear.
You call me a loner, but I’m trying to talk.
But you wont let me… You’re scared of me leaving.
I’m a loner.
I’m a weirdo.
I’m a *****.
Oh, It hurts.
Keep calling me names, It will only make me worse.
You say you’re kidding, just playing around.
But look closer at me what do you see?
An easy target, with almost forgotten memories.
You don’t need me, you have others while I have nothing, no one.
You have people who will do anything you ask.
So why do you need me?
Why do I keep coming back to you?
Why do I still trust you?
Oh yeah, It’s because your the only one that knows my pain….
I’m the one who knows when you’re crying, and I help.
You are so clear to me, so easy to read.
But now you’re just another memory.
Love, Alone. ~