I am so tired of my life and myself, my thoughts makes my throat hurt and the pain shivers down to my chest. Its so tempting to just ram a knife up my throat. If I ever get my own apartment I woulnd’t be surprised if I actually did something like that, I want to cut my guts out, bleed out and destroy myself. As many others on this place my urge grows bigger towards my birthday, I don’t know why that is.. but I suppose to me it feels natural to go out on the same date that you came in.. I also had […]
It would seem that all of my plans and hope for a bearable future failed today, I wont bother with going further into details on this. I happened to have a meeting with my psychiatrist right after I figured that out and I just opened up and said that I cannot go on like this. I have to start preparations, my computer, hard drives, my room itself.. my online people.. things must be erased, those who knew me a little deserve to be informed if I go.. And now I am awaiting a call from an “emergency team” I don’t know what this means.. […]
When im drunk my conversations with people are way better and they all seem to love me. When im drunk music sounds better.. somehow I am a better poker player when im drunk.. I wish this was my natural state.. fuck..
Been drinking since last Friday, taken pills to sleep, got really sad on Sunday.. As usual. On Monday I went to work, Just an internship that after 2 months I realize won’t ever benefit me, a guy that’s been there half the time has already surpassed me by far. I’m above average intelligence, I’m strong, but socially.. I’m just the worst. And that matters the most, you can be stupid and weak but manage quite well in life if you have good social skills. Lately I’ve been seeing how others progress with their lives more clear than ever. I only have one local friend now, […]
I woke up quite early today, thought I’d grab the chance to enjoy The Witcher 3.. Turns out I should of slept away half the day instead. I dont know how but my most recent ex came into mind, its been over half a year but still.. Such happy memories, how can I possibly stop comparing what I am now, what I have now, with what I once had… Im over her, but I would like.. this kind of happiness again, with someone else.. anyway I know throughout our lifetime on this miserable planet we have our ups and downs, I’d like an elevator lift […]