Everyone wants it both ways. I’ve fucking destroyed myself to give the people I care about everything, even when it crosses my boundaries, even when it fucking killed me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I fucking drop anything, and I mean nothing to anyone I care about, and that will kill me worse. I try to do everything and that kills me, too. It’s not like I have any direction on my own, so why shouldn’t I drop everything to wholly serve those I care about? What the hell else would I do? I have nothing going for me; I’m fucking pathetic. […]
tell someone = burden someone, make them frustrated with me, I become vulnerable and unlikable = wrong
don’t tell someone = bottle it up until I kill myself = wrong
talk about it anonymously = no relief + vulnerability = wrong
kill myself = no more of this endless cycle of mistakes = maybe right, but slightly inconvenient for certain living people
fix myself = impossible, make no reasonable progress, hurt so many people on the way = wrong
run away = coward, escape all the people I’ve hurt, start over and fuck it up again or just kill myself = solid outcome
I think I’m going to book it out of this place after I finish classes for the year. I’ve become an irreversible failure, and there’s no way to fix it this time. Maybe I’ll train-hop out of here. Once I’m gone, there’s nothing keeping me from following through. I’m way too depressed to function anyway. My meds, that I pay way too much money for, aren’t working. Trying to get help doesn’t work for me. My mind’s just finally calm enough for me to do it, not out of a sudden and temporary spike of emotion, but through calm reasoning. I don’t want to be […]
I am no one, I know nothing, I have nowhere to be, no one is expecting me, I have nothing to give.
Why have I isolated myself for so long? It’s my fault that I have nowhere to turn. I didn’t even intentionally do it. It just kind of happened. And now there’s no fucking chance of redeeming that. I have to get out of this town. I have to get out of this body. I have to get out of this life.
I cant keep my shit together, and I need to be the Jesus Christ of having my shit together right now. My life is falling apart. I’m working a shit job, and I get treated with zero fucking respect by my coworkers and customers (yeah yeah, I know, welcome to capitalism). I have no chance at getting the help I need for my mind or body. I’m addicted to self harm and my body is destroyed. I’m going to college, and I’m falling behind because I’m never doing enough. I have only one friend and he’s sick of me, but he won’t tell me to […]
To Tony:
Maybe there are times when I’m not a complete burden to you, but the fact of the matter is that, because I’m so fucking depressed, suicidal, and otherwise fucked-up, I am now a burden to you, and it shows. I wear you down, and since I have no one else to turn to, you feel obligated to listen to me. I never wanted to be an obligation. The things you liked about me were the happy me, and I don’t know how to bring that version of me back. I’ve become a cross that people feel obligated to bear now, and that’s the last […]
I’ve managed to screw up everything good I had going and turn it all into a bunch of fucked up shit, like always. I’m shit at my job, and I accidentally fucked some shit up because I’m too fucking stupid and cowardly to ask for help. I’m too much of a coward to speak to my college advisor and schedule my classes for next semester. I’m going to fuck up my French final because I am too fucking stupid to understand which verb tense to use and I’m apparently fucking too incompetent to even understand the review. I’m too much for a close friend of […]