Author

BethChilds

Need a friend today…

by BethChilds 12/28/2016

written by BethChilds

I was here a long time ago. It was a nice place to be. I ended up in the hospital..,not for an attempt just because I went super crazy. I’m afraid I”m getting back to that spot. And I finally just got a nice job and an apartment. I fell into adulthood finally and I feel like I might be looking for a way out.

I’m extremely suicidal right now, though no one in my life needs to worry because I won’t actually do anything. Honestly, if I had an easy button for killing myself right now I’d do it in a heartbeat. At this point […]

12/28/2016 6 comments

Where is the suicide button?

by BethChilds 4/20/2016

written by BethChilds

You ever just wish there was a button that would end it all? I would have been dead a long time ago. I would be dying right now. My life just kind of hit the fan. I’m 32, my girlfriend/fiance of 4 years just broke up. I was a complete asshole so deserve the pain I am feeling right now. I think this must be the most depressed I have ever been. And I’ve been in the hospital 3 times for attempts…major failure at death apparently. I feel so utterly depressed about my situation that my mind is even too clouded to think seriously about […]

4/20/2016 6 comments

Hospitals and work.

by BethChilds 10/27/2014

written by BethChilds

In the midst of …crisis? drama? melt down…I don’t konw whwat. I just think that i’m not doing well. I am thinking about checking into a hopsital. But I’m so scared. I have ajob….what happens when you do that and you are suppose to wokr the nxt day? Will everyone find out? I don’t even want my boss to know. I kind of want to go in the hospital and never come out or just quit my job. I don’t wnat to give up but I dodn’t feel I have the brain for this job…which is to say I don’t have a brain for much […]

10/27/2014 2 comments

Up and up I go…

by BethChilds 9/27/2014

written by BethChilds

I haven’t been here in about a week…mainly because I was feeling pretty good. A good level place. Today I was running on pure hyped up energy. Haven’t been eating all to well…and today I feel…too good. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt that way? I seriously feel like I’m climbing up a really tall tree right now. I keep looking down and seeing how far I’ve gone but keep going higher. I have the shakes. Nervous laughter keeps bubbling up my throat. I’m home alone and find myself moving from room to room because sitting in one place doesn’t feel good….even though […]

9/27/2014 3 comments

It will not be today.

by BethChilds 9/20/2014

written by BethChilds

It is hot and sunny out. 12:30pm. I hate feeling this way when it looks like that outside. When it’s daylight. Feeling suicidal in the sense that it’s more comforting to think about suicide then it is to think about how awful and worthless I am, but I’m not sure I would actually attempt something.

I got a new job. A real job. Real money. Real benefits. I should be ecstatic right now…and I was yesterday. So much so that my head was completely spinning with lists. Things I need to do. Things I need to buy. Things I need to be. Spin spin spin. I […]

9/20/2014 2 comments

Just typing. Thanks for the space.

by BethChilds 9/11/2014

written by BethChilds

So so tired. So rageful. It’s weird holding both of these inside of myself. Fog and anger. Wish I could…wish I could.

Suicide of sacrifice. Leaving so you can LIVE. Really live. How is this selfish? My one and only goal is that you are happy. If you never knew me you would have already achieved this, but I’m a huge road block. I yell, scream, fog my way into your life and fuck it up. I WISH you could see this. I wish you would yell back at me. I wish you would leave me so I could die without guilt. My depths are anger…thick, […]

9/11/2014 0 comment

New here…and just needed to type/vent/be…

by BethChilds 9/9/2014

written by BethChilds

Ugh. What’s brought me here tonight. My blood is so heavy. I’m exhausted. Really been feeling the physical symptoms of depression for the last 2 weeks. I’ve had two attempts about 4 years ago. I will admit they were probably more a cry for help than anything else. I wanted…needed my pain to be seen and I chose a stupid way to do that. Both times were embarrassing. Hospital time and then 72 miserable hour holds. I swore to myself I’d never do it again unless I knew I could succeed, which leaves me in this really shitty position I’ve been in for awhile now. […]

9/9/2014 1 comment