Without sex, is a relationship still a relationship? Or is it just a friendship?
was the day you left me. It’s been over 3 years. I don’t know what to think. You told me if we were meant to be, it’d happen. I still believe you’re my soul mate, but I don’t know where you are, what you’re doing, how you are, or even if you’re alive. I know you needed to leave, I needed you to leave, but fuck you. You haven’t checked up on me once. I was fine for a while, I’ve gotten used to the fact. I barely remember what it’s like to have you in my life other than you made me the happiest […]
Is the point of life eventually finding that sense of belonging, inevitably with a significant other? What if I don’t think I can find that comfort in anyone else? Am I destined to be alone, searching for something that doesn’t exist? I think the worst part of my best friend of 14 years telling me she never liked me and god knows what else, is I only found a sense of belonging with her and it was completely platonic. This world is so lonely, experiences don’t mean much if you don’t have anyone to share them with. I’m not big on relationships, I don’t really […]
For English we had to write an essay making something personal into a public service announcement. Naturally, I chose mental illness. This is my personal aspect:
Self preservation is the body’s natural instinct to protect itself from harm or death. In times of starvation, a human will resort to cannibalism, or in times of extreme stress, our sympathetic nervous system will release adrenaline in a “fight or flight” response. So what happens with our brains fight with our bodies on whether or not to live? When the brain wants nothing more to kill itself off than the body naturally tries to keep going? Mental illness […]
All I wanted more than anything this weekend was to come home from college, drive the five hours to see my friends and family for my birthday weekend. I now realize it was a bad idea, I was so hypermanic yesterday when I came home, literally haven’t been that happy or excited for anything in ages. I have to leave tomorrow morning and I’m so terribly homesick even though I’m still here. It was like nothing changed, I had a bad nightmare that I was at college and I woke up and everything was okay. I don’t know what to do, I hate it there […]
Tell me, what’s so great about being at college, this fucking college life? It’s suppose to be the best time of your life and since I’ve been here, this has been the worst 2 weeks probably in my life. Before I left to come here, do I dare say I was happy? I think that’s what happiness was, being surrounded by people who love you, don’t make you question their intentions and people who are around you just for the sake of enjoying your company. We didn’t really do much, we constantly just sat around smoking weed and talking, enjoying being with one another, but […]
There is a loneliness in this world
So great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock
People so tired, mutilated, either by love or no love.
People just are not good to each other.
We are afraid.
Our educational system tells us that we can all be big winners
But it hasn’t told us about the gutters or the suicides.
Or the terror of one person aching in one place
Alone, untouched, and unspoken to.
How many times do we have to […]
If you can’t trust your own mind, can you really trust anything at all? I live in complete uncertainty, I can’t rely on myself or my own feelings. I constantly feel a whole bunch of nothing, or a whole bunch of everything. One day I’ll be head over heals for someone, and without warning I’ll wake up the next day and the only thing I feel for them is completely platonic, strictly friendly. The only thing I’ve found that feels right in this galaxy of wrong is completely impossible, a slap in the face. I vow never to have feelings for anyone, so why am […]
It’s hard to stare at a blank page, feeling so much inside but not being able to put any of it into words, or answer why it happens. In Psychology, they say Free Association is a way to examine the unconscious, where you say whatever comes to mind, but what if you can’t put anything in to words? I’ve never been much of a writer because how could I be one when words fail me so often. I’m in a different universe than everyone else, no one understand what I’m trying to convey and I can’t speak the language to get it across myself.  It’s like […]
The one thing I always thought wouldn’t change no matter what is my hometown, I’d always come home to the same house, my same friends, my best friend living right down the street. Now that I’m graduating in less than a month, I realize this isn’t true, and I’m lost. One of the only things I care about in this entire world is Ali, my best friend, of 14 years. And at the end of the summer, when I leave for college in Maryland, she’s moving out to California with her boyfriend. It’s never going to be the same. I always thought I’d come home […]
I dreamt about you last night and I miss you so much it hurts. You are never coming back and it’s ripping me apart. I need you, or what you used to be. Have you not checked up on me in years because you fear I killed myself? I’m so so so sorry. I don’t have much to say, I really don’t feel well. All I can feel is the feeling of being stabbed constantly in my gut, the shakiness of my hands, the elevated heart beat and fast paced breathing. I don’t know what to do and if I had one wish granted […]
I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently, and I don’t know if there’s ever going to be a time where there mere sight of your name doesn’t make my stomach flutter.
I miss you.
I’d do anything to talk to you one more time. I think you’d be proud.
Did you really mean it when you said we were meant for each other?
Everything I do is because of you.
Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”
It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting […]
I wish I was a writer so I could try and put these feelings into words
but maybe I’m not because I don’t feel much of anything at all.
I remember every fucking word you’ve ever said to me.
Don’t think for a second I forgot.
Yes, I may be nice, we may have fun.
But don’t you dare think I forgot the times I sat up crying,
The times I seriously thought about ending it from how small you made me feel.
All I wanted wanted was somewhere to belong
And all I’ve been left with is false hope and slit wrists.
I wish I had something to say about this new year, but I don’t. Is there really much different now than there was yesterday? A new year is not starting over, it doesn’t erase the past or change who you are. What’s all the hype with waiting for the ball to drop and kissing someone at midnight? I’ve never had a New Years kiss, nor did I even watch the clock change to 12. I spent it drinking away how fucked up everything is, and then laying in bed the entire night with my mind racing while the rest of the world partied or slept. […]
Do you know what it’s like to not belong anywhere? Every single person belongs to someone else. They have bonds that go back a while. There’s no room for me anywhere, with anyone. I’m too late to fit in anywhere. There’s always somebody better than I am. It’s funny, how all I want is for people to like me yet I have no one to feel at home with. The loneliness nips my insides, constantly reminding me it’s never going to go away. I’m a waste of a human, a failure at life. I don’t deserve the oxygen I breathe, someone else could use it […]
All I wanted was for people to like me, that’s all I wanted. To have a place I feel like I belong, somewhere I would never have to doubt whether I’m welcomed or not. I’ve never found that place, and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve given up on trying to mold myself into what other people want me to be. I don’t understand where I fuck up or what I do to make people hate me so fucking much, no matter who it is. I’m so fucking alone. 7 billion people on this horrid planet and not one can decide they want to […]
I wish I was a writer so I’d be able to write away these feelings, but I’m not. 26 letters, millions of ways to arrange them, and not a single one can set me free. Loneliness is a bitter thing, the way it creeps up on you. You can be surrounded by people, and still not belong. All I want is a place in this world, people who actually like me and want me around. I don’t want to be known as ___’s friend. I once belonged to a group of friends who decided they were fed up with my shit. The one year we […]
I
am so tired
of always getting hurt
when all I ever wanted
was to be loved,
someone to be there for me,
a friend.
I’m sorry I will never
be good enough
for a single person
in this god damn world.
All I wanted was someone
who wouldn’t leave me,
get sick of me,
or find someone better.
Was that so hard to ask for?
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