Author

Blood_Lotus

Just a 26 year old mtf-tranny that battles depression since early childhood. Twice hospitalized for suicide attempts that went awry... and way too many that went unnoticed.

“It was just an adventure”

by Blood_Lotus 4/28/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

The friend I got to know with a mutual fetish and I ended up really liking beyond. I don’t know what kind of relationship it was. More then a platonic friendship, yet no serious commintment.

I guess it is my fault that I love him. Him for showing me something caring, sensual and loving without wanting to get into my pants.

He broke it to me a week ago. When we saw us first and had a lovely day together and wanting to repeat it some time later he actually saw another one. A real, biological woman and not just some wannabe.

He said he was sorry that he lied to […]

4/28/2016 2 comments

Another suicide dream

by Blood_Lotus 4/21/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

No nightmare, I wasn’t scared at all. Didn’t wake up with fear or a gasp. Instead very relaxed and comforted.
I just dreamed through taking a large bottle of blue unlabeled pills and became very sleepy. My whole Body grew tingly then numb.

After that I woke up within another dream. Of a large empty field, a City in the distance. The sun was shining and the grass was warm and smelled like it was recently mowed. A familiar voice shouted my name before tackling me into a hug. It was my best friend from Britain I have a crush on. Said glad I was finally […]

4/21/2016 2 comments

I found an old diary

by Blood_Lotus 4/18/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

from 2009 of a brief stay inside the mental clinic. For 6 days I wrote terribly cringeworthy entries on a flipbook… and drew even more cringeworthy pictures. Gave me a good laugh. Yet one sentance stood out to me:
[…]I am important to People, and they like me for who I am and what I do[…]

What happened in 7 years since then? Today I am convinced of the opposite. Infact have attempted suicide multiple times because of issues of worthlessness etc. I wrote further […] “I learned my lesson, I will never attempt suicide again” […]

Yet I remember another attempt on suicide just a few […]

4/18/2016 2 comments

Feeling like today is the day (Update)

by Blood_Lotus 4/9/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

I think, my mind is ready. I have been constantly thinking about suicide for, I can’t remember how long. And I tried to get better but only got steadily worse. Now instead of dreams where I am killed by other people, for the last 5 days it is myself that is throwing themselves into the void over and over again.

I have an outdated suicide note in my nightstand. Written a couple of weeks ago… not sure if I should revise it last minute or tear it up completely.

I feel no words could explain why I want to off myself. I failed to convey it to them […]

4/9/2016 7 comments

Losing grip yet again

by Blood_Lotus 4/5/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

I am so disappointed in myself… last week I finally seemed to get a grip on my Psyche but nope.

This morning the voices and the doubts and the fear crashed back into my consious like a Bulldozer with airhorns.

The laughter, taunting and insults returned blarring in my head… it is so loud. I can’t eat or drink, I get sick from it.

Thanks to this I tried on a large plastic bag to see if it was suitable and to remove any anxiety once I hopefully get the strenght to fucking end this shit.

Talking with friends pushes them away each time. Shit, I lost a promising […]

4/5/2016 2 comments

The attempts I lived through

by Blood_Lotus 3/31/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

Hello again,

feel like I am close to rockbottom again, the intent is strong to try and commit again.

Yet I always remember how I lived through my previous attempts when planning.

in 2012 I finally passed my theoretical and oral exams for the vocational School I attended and had to find an internship for 6 months, then the last exam would take place. I wasn’t proud or felt accomplished that I was in the last third of my Training. There was no Feeling but emptiness.
I started the internship, kept my facade but two or three weeks in I snapped. My father took medication for his heart […]

3/31/2016 3 comments

Ranty rant

by Blood_Lotus 3/30/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

Hey you, you know who you are.

I just wanted to write you a little something personal. And no, I am not blaming others entirely for my short comings like you think I do. And I know you say “you don’t have to be like your siblings” but I know that’s just kind of pretend.

Because I know you have done the same shit with them. For some reason they worked out better then I did. But, you told me you’re disappointed in all of us for individual reasons anyway.

Oh and I am sorry for that your dream of becoming rich and beautiful has not worked out because you […]

3/30/2016 2 comments

Why do I keep hurting myself?

by Blood_Lotus 3/25/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

(Just disjointed thoughts on a subject… that usually helps me cope… to overthink something into utter boredom…)

yes`, why?

I have been on and off with cutting myself since I was roughly 19. I managed without cutting myself for a period of months and then fall right back into the habit. But it is not only cutting as I noticed. Slapping, punching, intentionally ingesting harmful substances, or just plain ‘ol verbal abuse by downgrading everything and anything I do… are things I have been doing since early childhood, but why do I do it?

some People say “it’s just because you want attention” .

A doctor I spoke to […]

3/25/2016 1 comment

A new Face on the wall

by Blood_Lotus 3/24/2016

written by Blood_Lotus

Hello everyone, just wanted to say hi and tell my story. I am not sure how this will help but if anything, it’s worth a try.

I have been dealing with depression and suicide since my early teens or even further before that. According to my mother I always had no or low self esteem and feelings of hopelessness. I never had many friends and if, the friendship was one sided and often abusive.

To make a very long story short:

Have been bullied from elementary to the end of high school for being too “girly”, small, weak and weird. Was sexually taken advantage of twice in my […]

3/24/2016 5 comments