Hey guys, it’s been a while since my last post. Probably gonna be a post with random shit, sorry.
So my first internship went really bad. My supervisors don’t know about my attempt, but they know I had to go to the hospital because of a mental problem. When the internship was over they had a talk with me. They were really worried and advise me to get help and to speak with the school. I went talk with the responsible teacher and she started asking a lot of questions and found out about my attempt. She was reluctant to let me do the second […]
I called 911. I had the shitty day and night of my life but I survived.
I fucking hate sundays. Well I fucking hate that sundays have to end cause I really hate mondays.
I have a lot of papers to do and I should have delivered one of them this weekend. I’m lost. My mind isn’t working and I’m having a lot of anxiety right now. I’m so sick of this. Fuck you universe, just kill me already and stop fucking with me.
Fuck the sundays and the mondays what I really hate is myself.
I hate you little piece of shit. Always sad, always anxious. You have a awesome life why can’t you enjoy it.
And stop crying. Just go make […]
How do you tell your friends you are suicidal? And more important, should I tell them?
I don’t like to talk and I have difficulty to explain myself. Therefore I was thinking of send them a video about depression. But the video doesn’t talk about suicidal thoughts so I don’t know how to introduce the subject. Any advice?
I’m thinking about doing it tonight. I’ll probably be a coward like the last few times, so don’t worry too much. However, in case of being successful I want to wish you the best. You’re all great human beings who deserve to be happy.
I have a few hours to think about it. But I’m scared. I’m afraid of succeeding. But I’m also afraid of not being successful.
I’m sick of people telling me I’m capable and good enough. I know I’m not. I’m not like other people. I have a handicap. I have an inability. I’m mentally and socially handicapped. And I just can’t do it, I can’t handle it.
I’m scared. I feel I’m getting close to do it. And I’m afraid. I don’t want to leave. I could have a long life. I just have to endure for more 10 months. But I can’t. It’s too much anxiety and stress. I’m starting to hear that I have to be better, I have to do more and to speak more. I’m trying but I’m not good enough and I will never be. Every criticism, every fail breaks my heart.
I went to bought one more bottle of pills, but it was sold out. I don’t know if I have pills enough to kill myself […]
I’m sorry I can’t do anything right.
I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment to you.
I’m sorry I’m such a burden.
I’m sorry I’m not what you wanted.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry I can’t live up to your expextations.
I’m sorry I’m so lazy.
I’m sorry I don’t help you enough.
I’m sorry I don’t say I love you anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t kiss you anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t hug you anymore.
I’m sorry I’m not a good daughter.
I’m sorry I can’t keep a long term friendship.
I’m sorry I pushed you away.
I’m sorry I’m weird.
I’m sorry I don’t fit in.
I’m sorry I’m a huge fuck up.
I’m sorry I was born.
I’m […]
The only thing that holds me back is destroying my family and those who love me. My mom would be absolutely devastated. My suicide would probably kill her. And I don’t want to leave my dog either. But sometimes I’m like fuck it all, I don’t care anymore. And then I feel really selfish.
I don’t know if I can take it much longer. I’m gonna tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts for the first time tomorrow (at least I’m gonna try).
Right now I feel I’m a really weak person. I fucking hate myself.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. […]
Yesterday I was feeling really depressed. I just get out of bed to take the dog out and I went to a dinner with my classmates. Of course I get drunk. But instead of being happy and a silly drunk this time I started crying. I ruined the my friends’ dinner and I cried all night. They tried to comfort me but I was so embarrassed I just wanted to disappear. They are really good friends but I don’t deserve them. I left the restaurant without mobile phone and no money and went for a walk alone. Meanwhile I get lost in the city, but […]
“Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man” – Friedrich Nietzsche
I’m too much of a coward to live life and too much of a coward to end it.