One of my best friends would have turned 25 today. I wonder what he would be doing now. I wonder what he would be like now. I wonder if he could be happy now. I picture him as content; perhaps not entirely happy and joyous, but understanding and accepting of his life, taking the good with the bad. He would likely be doing a PhD now, or perhaps settled into a decent career. I picture him with a scraggly beard, wearing his hoodie and shorts each day. He would be known at his workplace as brilliant, eccentric, off-beat, and entirely authentic. Everyone in his life […]
The world always knew that you were pure. A heart of gold shining through your crown of thorns. I miss everything you were, and everything you’ll never be.
I miss you, and I love you. I hope that you are free.
I just broke the heart of the sweetest girl in the world. I tried my best to love her, to give her everything she deserved. I couldn’t do it. Maybe outwardly I did, but inside it just wasn’t there. I loved her, I just wasn’t in love with her. I don’t know why. Smart, beautiful, kind, funny; she has it all.
I didn’t think it would feel so empty after I did something that I wanted. But watching her break in front of me was right up there with the most difficult and painful things I have ever done. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me, for […]
Happiness. A word. I feel it at times, I feel a lack of it at others. I’m not always sure which one defines the word. I have been feeling as though happiness is making me feel empty lately. Maybe this isn’t happiness then. But why do I long for the hopelessness I fought so hard to escape from? Perhaps I never truly escaped. Perhaps this is just a masquerade of emotions to trick myself into living to fight another day.
Do I know who I am? Does anyone? Am I anyone? These are real questions for me. I have four distinct versions of myself. Family, girlfriend, […]
I’m two days late. And a year late. It doesn’t matter to you but it does to me and I’m sorry. A lot has happened, but little has changed. I still miss you. A lot. I don’t think about you enough, it makes me too sad when I do. I wish I did though, it’s worth it to keep the thoughts of you fresh. It was nice to see your parents again today, it always is. I hope that they’re doing okay, as impossible as it may seem. I don’t want to say too much this year, I’m already having enough difficulty as it is. […]
I wasn’t planning on posting here for another couple of days, but recent circumstances have altered my plans. June 27, 2010 is the day that one of my best friends took his own life. I write a memorial post here each year on that day as a way for me to remember him by. Last night another one of my friends committed suicide. It’s been numbing, as I’ve realized how little it affects me. Not because I don’t care, as this is a person that I had a great deal of respect for, and someone that I genuinely enjoyed being around. I know he had […]
If he lives I hope you all die painful, torturous deaths. If he doesn’t make it, I hope you live extremely long lives. And I hope that everyone you ever love is taken from you. If he dies I hope your lives are hell. I want you to wish that you could have been afforded the courtesy of being beaten to death. I hope someone bashes your fucking kneecaps in. I want you to wish you were dead. I hope you fucking rot. You deserve less than nothing.
Getting drunk or wanting money is not an excuse. You’re fucking pigs. Worthless pieces of shit. You don’t […]
I hope that you like it in your little motel
And I hope that the suite sleeps and suits you well
Another year passes and I miss you as much as I ever have. It’s different now than it was, but the scar still remains deep inside. I truly hope that your decision has brought you the peace and freedom that you sought. I still don’t judge you or hold it against you. It’s not my place, nor the place of anyone else, to pass judgement on the validity of your decision to end your own life. It doesn’t mean I support it, but I will never […]
I have an insatiable desire to watch myself die. But I know that’s impossible, just as ignoring the thought is.
that I was never born. That I never had a chance to ruin the lives of the people around me. I wish I wasn’t here.
Why can’t I fucking sleep
Birthdays are so much fun. I had the best birthday ever. Yeah, it was great.
I guess it actually wasn’t that bad. I was sick all day, but I got some nice gifts, had a lovely dinner with my family (minus brother) and didn’t run into any fights or issues. But at the same time, it was brutal. My insides feel like they need to come out. It’s been like this for a few days now. I can’t eat. It’s almost painful. But I’m not “sick”. It’s not an upset stomach or the flu, it’s impossible to explain. It just feels like my body is telling […]
I juuuusssttt want to cut myself. Over and over and over again.
I hope this train fucking crashes and I burn.
I was almost discovered today. Mommy almost found out her wonderful son wishes he was dead. Haha it’s ridiculous how close it was. I just happened to put away the blades and then I saw the door unlocking (I hate when she does that without asking). Fumbled with my pants to try to cover it up, but they wouldn’t move fast enough so I just sat down in an awkward little position and grabbed a book to cover it. Now my bed has a rather concentrated blood stain on it, but that should be easy enough to explain away with a murderous cat living with […]
It physically feels like there is pressure on me right now. I’m not stressed out by anything really. Maybe stressed out by my lack of stress over things like school and whatnot, but that hardly counts. It just feels hard to move. Inertia is becoming an increasingly strong force on me it would seem. I really wonder if I want to die. I don’t think I want to, but I’m pretty sure it’s something I’d be okay with. I’m not okay with the way things are going, the way my life is going, and I’d like to just take a long vacation from it. I […]
I’m not sure what to make of this feeling. It’s taken a hold over me and I can’t stop it. This weight that I feel, it drags me down. Into emptiness, into blackness. I feel no pain. I take no breaths. I bleed no blood. I’m not alive. I feel nothing. All of this is true, so why does it hurt so bad? I’m the exception to every rule. My life is slow and disappointing. They say nothing gold can stay. I’m not sure I was ever gold, but I was certainly better than this. I go back to house where it all started, just […]
I haven’t slept without substance (ab)use in almost two weeks now. And trying to buck the trend tonight isn’t easy. I got high this morning once I decided school wasn’t gonna happen, but it feels like I need something to sleep now. Maybe a shot, maybe a smoke, something. I hate this. It’s always the worst. Laying in bed with nothing to do besides think of how much I hate my life and myself. I just want to sleep without medication, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s possible for me anymore.
There is tooooo much to deal with. Go away life. I just want to sleep all day and not have to deal with any of this shit.
Fuck me. I lost all of the notes on my iphone from the past 3ish months because of the stupid fucking ios5 update. I wrote a lot of things that are extremely important to me. My sister texted me asking for lyrics or poems about my dead friend because she wants to write a play for school. I thought “awesome, I have so much stuff, and I secretely really do want to share it”. But then I go to look and it’s gone and I feel lost. Jesus christ this is terrible. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so god damn stupid. […]
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