not here

I hurt myself today

To see if I’d still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that’s real

I look at myself, at my life, and then I compare it to my friends. You see, I actually have good friends. I don’t have a ton, I could never throw some huge party or whatever, but I have 5-10 people I can just rely on and I think they’re really good people. Then there’s me. I don’t really bring anything to the table. I’m not funny, I’m don’t do awesome things, I’m not good at anything. I just don’t get it. I feel like I have no identity. […]

Yesterday was one of the longest days ever. It just seemed to drag on forever, but I was only awake for a pretty standard length of time (17-18 hours). I remember I saw a guy from my team at school, and thinking about it now I honestly thought it was 2-3 days ago. I don’t know why I feel so down from this. It just feels like time is going particularly slow, just to torture me.

I feel sick, both physically and mentally/emotionally. I had this incredibly vivid dream last night. I don’t remember it too well, but my parents and brother were all making fun […]

I made a mistake. I can’t change it and that eats away at me inside. I think (know) I’m a little bit crazy. Things bother me. Like my hair, I can’t stop pulling it. I stopped for a while when I cut it a few months back, but apparently it’s long enough again and I’ve caught myself doing it many times every day. Sounds bother me, and heat. I wanted to scream and just run out of my class because of the squeaking chairs and the unbearable heat and all of the people. Ahh it was horrible. Thinking about it makes me sick. Anyways, as […]

It sounds so stupid but I need to play hockey. It’s my only release. The only thing that completely washes everything away. It was one of the reasons I moved back home, so I could have that release to feel better and be healthier mentally. But now I’m injured and it’s so stupid how important a game is to me. I’m not even good at it, it’s not like I’m going to ever play pro. I just love it. Music was my second best release, but it still depressed me and I usually end up writing depressing songs (all of the ones I’ve written are) […]

I literally have nothing to do now. Dislocated my shoulder in the first game of the season, and hockey is the one thing that takes my mind off everything, the one thing I truly love doing. Now I can’t play for 12 weeks. I also can’t play my instruments, my xbox or go running. The three other hobbies I have. Fuck. This sucks. It’s also half of the $500 I spent for the season. Not that I really care though. I have too much money anyways. I have no need for it. But I’ve got my codeine now and I’m pretty high on it right […]

I’m beginning to feel as though the only people I can (or want) to relate to or get to know better, are people who are broken in some way. I guess you could argue that everyone is broken, and maybe that’s true eventually, but at 18 it sure doesn’t feel that way. There are times when it just amazes me how happy some people are. I can’t stand it. I mean, that’s awesome for them and I really am glad they’re happy, but I just can’t connect to them.
I saw this girl I knew in high school the other day. I had always thought […]

I have such an inability to deal with things sometimes. It’s as though the slightest bit of frustration can just set me off. I thought I was doing better the past week or so. I hadn’t hurt myself (intentionally) in any way, I was making some progress in my efforts to start running and it was just as though I had come to peace a little bit with myself and my life. But then last night I had this dream, and it was as though everything in my life was right. I’ve had dreams before about things I regret or miss or whatever, but this […]

I love being on my own, I love the freedom it offers. I love when my parents are gone and I’m the only one home. I love being in charge of my life. I wish I had no one to appease or report to. I wish I could live my life the way I choose, completely up to me. But I also hate being alone. I hate the emptiness. I hate being the only one in a big house. I hate when seeing my cat is the bright spot of my day, and I hate not having anyone to turn to. Most of all though, […]

I am so fucking unappreciative

I had a bit of a breakdown today. My Dad got mad at me for something not at all my fault (which he always does when something bad happens, it’s always someone’s fault) and it just made me think about how people get pissed at me, and I couldn’t shake that feeling of uselessness. I got in my car but before I could even make it out of the driveway I just started screaming and losing my mind, it scared me a bit, because I don’t usually (ever) just scream and lose control. I drove half a block to an alleyway so I could rail […]

I’m having a lot of trouble lately. I thought I was doing better, things really seemed to be looking up for the past month or so. But the last week it’s just been getting worse and worse. I can’t be with myself anymore without wanting to disappear. It’s like I get 10 minutes alone and then all of a sudden all of the thoughts and feelings come rushing back in and it feels like I can’t breathe. Any longer and I start to realize that nothing will ever go back to the way it used to be, the way it should be. Why can’t I […]