Just feeling very broken. I just had a good weekend around friends, but I feel like all of the emotional energy may have triggered something sad or dark. Idk if it happens that way for others? I’m trying but I’ve already cried a few times today.
I’m having a bad day. There is a lot of pressure to perform. I’m not handling it well for some emotional reason to or another. Just tell me you hear me.
Have you ever f*cked up a situation or friendship that you honestly believed was unf*ckable? That you believed was foolproof, with no f*ckabilty ratio?
I did that yesterday..and it sucks.
I just thought I could open up more, to someone I have been trying to open up to for a few years now. It is not a relationship, but it was helping me get through some things. I considered him to be a friend. And now he sees me as a crazy, depressed, hopeless loon; so I lost another friend.
Here’s to another birthday knowing that I should just keep my f*cking mouth shut when it comes to my life.
I’m very upset today, about so much..it’s too much to write. I wanted to feel better today- thankful for another year of life..but I feel very tired. Just exhausted. And I can’t tell anyone.
I guess this is why anonymity is so popular these days.
I just want to say I will keep my posts to a limit. I think stuff going on with me is minimal, compared to what I have read. Out of respect for everyone, I’ve decided to leave space for the important stuff. But I am reading and I’ll comment if there is something I feel compelled to say. I wish better days and nights for all of you.
An internet search on the phrase, “I’m so stupid”, landed me here tonight.
I’m not sure if its fate or not; but it’s ironic that I’m here, as I’ve been having somewhat of a breakdown since yesterday.
I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was much younger, but I could never muster up the courage to act on them. I wanted to believe I’d outgrown them, even though the feelings would creep in and out of my mind every once in a while. But I was in control, or so I believed. I’d have a few crying fits here and there, but I’d get over the feelings and they would disappear for long periods of time.
However, recently, a very stressful series of events (involving family, work, home and friends) have triggered many old feelings of despair, hopelessness, loneliness, and just plain defeat. I’m so emotionally exhausted. I realized that I don’t live my life for me. I am just living. Just going along so everyone else in my life can be happy, have a decent home, go to school, pursue their career goals….blah blah blah…
I couldn’t off myself if I wanted to- I have all these people that depend on me now. If I were dead, it would make the situation much worse for them, especially my family. I don’t even have a decent life insurance, or any significant amounts of money tucked away to help with the financial burden. It’s funny…I spend my time coordinating so many details of their lives. My family wouldn’t even realize any of it until I was actually dead.
On top of all of it, I’m so afraid. I’m just afraid to take my own life. I’m afraid of death itself, if even felt for just a moment…and I’m afraid of what is (or what is not )on the other side.
But I’m so tired. I’m tired of finding myself in the same situations, in the same relationships with the same stupid problems, tired of re-living my mistakes in my brain, tired of worrying about money and about work, tired of worrying about home repairs, tired of worrying about family, tired of preoccupying myself with a million dance classes to stop thinking, tired of praying the same prayers over and over again.
Things just finally escalated today. On my drive from work, about 4 blocks from my home, I had a crying attack. I had to stop at a gas station and collect myself before driving again. Emotions just started flooding in and I felt very afraid, more desperate than I have felt in a long time. That feeling- fear/desperation…is so draining.
I think right now I just want to sleep. Thanks for listening to my babbling.