christina--

And the winner is: hanging.

Best options I have are to either hang myself or jump in front of a train. For fucks sake, isn’t Holland supposed to be a drug paradise? Why the fuck am I unable to get methadone. This is just so disapointing.

I asked my basically only friend to come over and smoke some weed with me last night. She didn’t want to come. Because she didnt agree with my “pathetic” lifestyle choices. Apparently being a lover of bdsm makes me less of a person.

One of my evil personalities is hoping she will feel guilty as fuck when she hears Im dead. The […]

— while I typed that I heard the melody of a song Muspelhem wrote once in my head.

I think I should look more into hanging. There are no other sensible options.

I stood on the trainstation again today. I went home and I looked at all the trains passing by. And I felt this urge to just run across the platform and jump. I always freeze. My heart will start racing and I can feel the adrenaline rushing through my body. Yet I cannot move.

Fuck.

I wish I had more courage.

I finally have the trigger that makes me manic enough to not give a fuck. and now obviously the trains dont ride anymore.  why do i live in such a pathetic place. I should have been two hours early. Or 4 hours later.

Ok think fast: what other things do i have closeby that can make me kill myself. Do we have bleach in the house? No I dont think so.

I cant even take 1 pill and od-ing is so unlikely that its not even an option.

more options?  FUCK.i should be able to come up with more things.  why dont we have a high building i […]

Can someone just hit my face with something very hard for a couple of times?

I deserve pain.

I have been in an almost constant manic episode for weeks.

Usually they dont last this long. Im not sure why this is lasting so long.

I really am always surprised whenever I think I have hit rock bottom and I just keep on sinking and sinking.

It feels like bottomless pit.

With no possible way to get out of it.

I cannot sleep and I need to recharge my THC battery. I have to leave the house to do that. And I really wish I could. My anxiety is preventing me to go downstairs. I cannot leave. I am pathetic as fuck. Pathetic and disgusting. For fucks sake.

I always feel lonely. Sometimes I crave for human contact. I dont know how to get it. I ***** about people trying to get attention the wrong way but I dont know what the right way is.
Do you say to a person “Im lonely. I feel like talking. ” ?
what do you do?
Sitting and hoping someone will notice me and talk to me is useless. I know that.

So, why do I sit here, every day, hoping someone will notice me and talk to me?

It’s not that I forget that you did not want to talk to me anymore. I could never forget that.

You were the most amazing person I have ever met and you thought I was just as amazing.

And I knew this would happen. I knew when you got to know me you would get sick of me.

Its very painful to realize that someone has left you because you are really just an awful person.

Sometimes I’m just reading and a word or whatever reminds me of you and when I’m not high as fuck I cant help but burst out in tears.

It hurts knowing youre an awful […]

I heard you got something I need.

Drop a message please.

Its so hard for me to understand how one day one person is the centre of your world and the next day you dont give any fucks about them.

Everything has been a lot harder since you have gone away.

Its fucking unbelievable. How can one sabotage their own life this way.

Sometimes you realize how much you really have to kill yourself.

Talking to yourself all the time, is very lonely.