confused

Do you ever get that feeling like you don’t know what’s happening to you but at the same time you know exactly what it is? It’s like you know the word they describe it but when you’re experiencing it, it’s foreign to you, like something you’ve never handled before. But you know it. You’ve been there before. You’ve lived through it. But it’s as if time rewound itself and you’re experiencing it again for the first time.

I thought I’m free…safe. Maybe I was just running away. Maybe, I’ve never really been able to handle anything. My default is to shove it all in a box […]

and anxious. Shit. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know what’s going on in my head. Shit.

I try not to think about it because the more I do, the more I am enchanted. I just want to fall into the darkness, which looks so inviting. But I’m always afraid that someone will catch me and then my secrets would be bared to the world.

Every time I hear the words the future. Always telling me, think about your future, what will you do in the future, where will you be years from now. I can’t help but laugh inside. It takes my everything to smile, give appropriate responses. I know I’m lying.

I have never seriously thought about my future. I […]

Kept repeating that in my head
From morning till late in the evening
In the hopes that I’ll believe it
One of these days.

It doesn’t work.
I’m wallowing in self-pity,
Drowning in anger and loathing.
Disgusted at this weak, pathetic self.

“I’m awesome” I want to cry
But instead, all the hate directed
towards the world and all the people
have converged towards me.

I want to believe in god
But how could I believe in someone who just listens
and never does anything at all?
Omnipotent, my ass.

What use are you god?
My faith is crumbling
on the one hand, We have the free will to […]

Irritated I guess.

My ex has been spreading around that I’m fucking suicidal. which I AM. But it’s not like anybody else ever knew it, or could guess it. It’s just that suicide has bad connotations that I don’t ever want anyone in RL to know.

I don’t remember if I ever told him I was suicidal, but I do remember telling him that I was depressed, and that I’ve cut. So yeah, curse my failing memory. Still though, it’s kind of irritating that fucker had to tell people. And he’s been spreading around that I still love him and shit. Which is damn annoying. Because we […]

I keep running away from myself. I don’t want to think, because if I start thinking, I start going over how fucked up I feel despite leading such a great life.

I don’t know why I’m close to snapping. I never thought I was free from these thoughts. I keep holding on tightly to my feelings, because if I let go, I’m going to do something I’m not sure I’d regret. But I thought I’d get better if I stay away. But I haven’t. And it’s just festering all these months.

Thing is, I don’t want anybody to help me, so nobody ever ever knows. The hardest […]