I’m so tired and so confused. Everyday, I find myself worrying and trying to keep up with my smiles. It’s been difficult and tiring that I don’t know what to do anymore. During the day, with my family and with my friends, I’d be happy and always smiling. I would just laugh with everyone and generally feel so happy. I profess love to this guy everyday. I laugh with my friends at every joke. I play with my dog and have fun.
But when I’m all alone, I’ve always find it hard to stop myself from crying. I don’t know nor understand why I feel so alone and so frightened. I have a good life, friends, and family. But I always feel alone and left behind. I’m so pathetic and weak and I have thoughts of killing myself just so I can finally end this feeling. The thing is I find no reason for it. I constantly ask myself why I would do something like this when my life is going so well. But now more than ever, I’m scared and I always seem to turn towards death for an answer. I don’t know where I’m going anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Everyday I smile. At night, I feel so tired and just plain depressed. I cry so much. I noticed I’ve been slowly losing my appetite. I can’t concentrate on my priorities anymore. I’ve been feeling more and more apathetic and I’ve constantly been lying to everyone saying I’m happy when I’m really not. I feel like I’m losing myself and that I really want to end this life. I think of myself as someone so cowardly and so insignificant that nobody would care if I died. But every time the knife is in my hands I can’t bring myself to cut and bleed myself. Right now I’m having conflicting feelings of whether it’s a bad thing that my mother hid her gun in another place or not because on one hand, I’m scared of killing myself but on the other, I’m annoyed that the fastest and most effective way of killing myself had now been out of my reach and maybe I should have used it when I could still find it but was too scared to use it. I’m sorry I’ve wasted your time by my ranting.
5 comments
Stop saying you’re happy when you’re not. Don’t talk to people you have to fake smiles with. Only talk to people who will let you show what you feel. Including your parents. Tell them what you feel. Tell them you’re angry. Tell them you’re sick of their fighting.
Stop apologizing.
Get angry. Get angry with your parents, they’re the ones who deserve it. If you have nothing to lose anyway, if you’re to the point where you feel like you’re going to kill yourself, then STAND UP TO THEM. Don’t back down. Yell at them until they shut up or throw you out of the house. Because then you’ll HAVE to find a different place to live.
Stop trying to deal with this alone. Call the runaway hotline: 1-800-RUNAWAY, and ask for suggestions. Or go to their website and email them. Call an abuse hotline (Google will help you find one in your area really fast). Tell them what’s happening, what you’re feeling.
Ask for help.
Thank you. I’m trying the Samaritans now. I hope they help.
You are still here, right now. You want to live. You know deep down you have purpose. Bring those feelings up to surface. You aren’t alone, even people you wouldn’t imagine have thought about suicide once in their life. I mean, it’s an easy solution to a problem that seems to have no resolution right? But how do you know for sure that the feeling ends once you are done? We don’t know what happens after we die, and taking that chance is just too much a risk, especially for like, what you said, all of the things in your life you do have. I know deep down something is bothering you, and something is causing you to feel alone. You aren’t alone. You don’t even realize what a load of blessings you have been given. When you feel sad and down, take the time out to reflect on things you have. You have the luxury of the internet! You know how many people out there would kill to be in your shoes? You can read, write, you have family, AND friends. There has to be more than that too. Don’t end your life, instead prove yourself wrong, and continue. Make it a goal in life to see how you turn out in the end. I’ve been there, I’m still going through it. I’m only a teenager and I’ve been through spirals of mood changes and thoughts of suicide. But there is always a faint light at the end of the tunnel. You still have hope. I see hope in you. Learn to love yourself. You aren’t as alone as you think and there is nothing to fear.
Your not ranting, or wasting anyone’s time. Please listen to the person above me. All you need is to ask for help. Talk to the people you trust the most. Being alone with your bottled up emotions won’t help. I know that the people who love you would care if you died. They want to help you when you have a problem BECAUSE they love you. Please trust me, if you talk to someone, after time you will be ok. Please ask for help.
Kindly get back to me on my mail. Need to talk to you.