Iâ€™m so tired and so confused. Everyday, I find myself worrying and trying to keep up with my smiles. Itâ€™s been difficult and tiring that I donâ€™t know what to do anymore. During the day, with my family and with my friends, Iâ€™d be happy and always smiling. I would just laugh with everyone and generally feel so happy. I profess love to this guy everyday. I laugh with my friends at every joke. I play with my dog and have fun.
But when Iâ€™m all alone, Iâ€™ve always find it hard to stop myself from crying. I donâ€™t know nor understand why I feel so alone and so frightened. I have a good life, friends, and family. But I always feel alone and left behind. Iâ€™m so pathetic and weak and I have thoughts of killing myself just so I can finally end this feeling. The thing is I find no reason for it. I constantly ask myself why I would do something like this when my life is going so well. But now more than ever, Iâ€™m scared and I always seem to turn towards death for an answer. I donâ€™t know where Iâ€™m going anymore. I donâ€™t know what Iâ€™m doing anymore. Everyday I smile. At night, I feel so tired and just plain depressed. I cry so much. I noticed Iâ€™ve been slowly losing my appetite. I canâ€™t concentrate on my priorities anymore. Iâ€™ve been feeling more and more apathetic and Iâ€™ve constantly been lying to everyone saying Iâ€™m happy when Iâ€™m really not. I feel like Iâ€™m losing myself and that I really want to end this life. I think of myself as someone so cowardly and so insignificant that nobody would care if I died. But every time the knife is in my hands I canâ€™t bring myself to cut and bleed myself. Right now Iâ€™m having conflicting feelings of whether itâ€™s a bad thing that my mother hid her gun in another place or not because on one hand, Iâ€™m scared of killing myself but on the other, Iâ€™m annoyed that the fastest and most effective way of killing myself had now been out of my reach and maybe I should have used it when I could still find it but was too scared to use it. Iâ€™m sorry Iâ€™ve wasted your time by my ranting.