I don’t know anything

  August 1st, 2009 by confused

I’m so tired and so confused. Everyday, I find myself worrying and trying to keep up with my smiles. It’s been difficult and tiring that I don’t know what to do anymore. During the day, with my family and with my friends, I’d be happy and always smiling. I would just laugh with everyone and generally feel so happy. I profess love to this guy everyday. I laugh with my friends at every joke. I play with my dog and have fun.

But when I’m all alone, I’ve always find it hard to stop myself from crying. I don’t know nor understand why I feel so alone and so frightened. I have a good life, friends, and family. But I always feel alone and left behind. I’m so pathetic and weak and I have thoughts of killing myself just so I can finally end this feeling. The thing is I find no reason for it. I constantly ask myself why I would do something like this when my life is going so well. But now more than ever, I’m scared and I always seem to turn towards death for an answer. I don’t know where I’m going anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Everyday I smile. At night, I feel so tired and just plain depressed. I cry so much. I noticed I’ve been slowly losing my appetite. I can’t concentrate on my priorities anymore. I’ve been feeling more and more apathetic and I’ve constantly been lying to everyone saying I’m happy when I’m really not. I feel like I’m losing myself and that I really want to end this life. I think of myself as someone so cowardly and so insignificant that nobody would care if I died. But every time the knife is in my hands I can’t bring myself to cut and bleed myself. Right now I’m having conflicting feelings of whether it’s a bad thing that my mother hid her gun in another place or not because on one hand, I’m scared of killing myself but on the other, I’m annoyed that the fastest and most effective way of killing myself had now been out of my reach and maybe I should have used it when I could still find it but was too scared to use it. I’m sorry I’ve wasted your time by my ranting.

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