Kept repeating that in my head
From morning till late in the evening
In the hopes that I’ll believe it
One of these days.
It doesn’t work.
I’m wallowing in self-pity,
Drowning in anger and loathing.
Disgusted at this weak, pathetic self.
“I’m awesome” I want to cry
But instead, all the hate directed
towards the world and all the people
have converged towards me.
I want to believe in god
But how could I believe in someone who just listens
and never does anything at all?
Omnipotent, my ass.
What use are you god?
My faith is crumbling
on the one hand, We have the free will to do as we see fit
on the other hand, free will really sucks.
“I’m awesome”
I want to believe and not to believe that
But I’m already dead inside.
What am I going to do?
God, if you’re listening,
just go drop dead.
5 comments
I loved it. Especially the first 5 verses. You have talent, in my opinion. Also, you’re actually making a point, not just playing with words. 🙂
By the way, I too have had little success with mantras like that. I think the path to awesomeness lies in doing things you like doing and things you believe in. Maybe I’m naive.
muspelhem: Thank you for that. And for reading. I’m also certain that the talent only comes out when I’m depressed and on the verge of doing something permanent. I actually dislike the mantras thing. But a friend of mine kept telling me he’s “hot” or “awesome” or stuff like that and I thought, “does that even work…” I don’t even know why I do it. Maybe it’s because I’m a masochist so I set myself up for the disappointment. Your way seems more reasonable in any case, so I wouldn’t call it naivete.
I’ve practiced Nothing is more important than, that I feel good…so from that place I make choices. We all have resistance & the key is to make things general, & suggest things to yourself to release resistance. You could try some reverse psychology, like ‘don’t think about how good I feel’…keep saying that. But a belief is something you keep telling yourself, so try something like I choose to feel good. Being awesome is an intangible, & may not shift how you’re feeling inside. Good luck! The breathing technique FS Perls (psychologist) taught is really good…check it out.
Or maybe you’re like me and will do anything to get better? 🙂