This will be my last post, as I only have twelve hours left to live. Thank you, everyone here, who, together, make up a place of refuge for people like me. This week, you have been my only friends and only comfort. I appreciate that more than you can know. And, it has meant the world to me. – Goodbye.
corinao
corinao
42 year old, female, married 21 years, no kids, located in california. My email address is corinao@protonmail.com
The unnatural quiet and stillness that was uncomfortable the last couple of days, is not anymore. It is still present but it feels okay now. My lingering doubts are gone. ……………….Tomorrow evening.
I am in such a fog that i don’t even remember why it was important to wait until tomorrow evening, but I guess I should probably trust that I had a good reason. So, I guess I will wait until then. Though I really don’t see any reason to not do it now. I will wait because that was the plan. I remember that much, at least.
A few days ago, things had become quiet and that was kind of soothing. I was ready and waiting for the day to come.
Now, the time is very near. Thursday evening. And, things have become even quieter. So quiet that it seems unnatural and empty. I didn’t realize anything existed past desperate loneliness, but it does. And, it is unnaturally quiet.
I ordered everything I need to do this. The last chemical was delivered this week. The journal I wrote for my husband is all but finished. I reserved the hotel room. The overnight bag is packed and personal possessions are cleaned out. It all seems so quiet and still. Will it stay this way through to the end?
I am leaving soon. I have to because if I wait much longer, I will become too apathetic to get it done. A few months ago, I felt anticipation at leaving and it made me feel almost happier. But that has faded. I think all of my raw emotions and desperation have been depleted to zero. And, all that is left is a growing numbness and disconnect from the world around me. All I feel is constantly exhausted and a heavy yet somehow hollow feeling in my stomach.