it’s been a couple months. i’m still not dead (surprise). not feeling great but good enough to log on and type, which is something. got a lot of very important deadlines coming up and a lot of old+new obstacles. feels like God is going out of His way to toy with me and watch me suffer, i hope it’s an amusing spectacle at least. how’s everyone else doing.
uhhh i am feeling echoes right now like the emotion of buzzing like tv static being projected onto an old classroom projector
here is the events i just can’t process them right now but i need to put them somewhere just to put them outside of my head
so my little brother decided to drop in for a surprise visit and i’m playing host
my partner decides to postpone the usual shit he does to have a conversation/hang out with my brother
i am sort of joining in on the conversation mostly listening but the three of us are chatting.
this is the most conversation i’ve had with […]
when i was younger, in those loud and chaotic group homes, in those uncaring public schools, i could easily self-soothe without worrying. no one cared. i could repeatedly bash my head into the concrete or the doorway or the metal support beam in the handicapped stall. as long as i left the classroom or main room i could make those noises in the back of my throat. i could hit or slap myself loudly, i could break my shit, rip things apart, snap my whittling projects into pieces.
then in my last home, behavior was strictly monitored, loud outbursts were not allowed. when i was […]
i am semi nonverbal i think. i have a very low word stock.
like if i’m typing, depending on the headspace I can go on for a while, have a back-and-forth on discord for twenty or more messages in a row on a good day.
irl/spoken has less stock. i can talk a lot about my special interests specifically but not really as a back and forth and it has my natural speech pattern which is probably hard to follow. and when i infodump it tends to be about convoluted subject matter and jump place to place. but i haven’t actually […]
so i got thru the Ordeal™ of my partner’s birthday party and then their actual birthday. still healing from my freakout on the day of the party (legs all fucked up, can’t do most of my stretches rn), but that was an expected side effect. less expected side effect: started drinking again, despite the cals. dunno how long i’ll get to keep it before the weight shit outweighs the benefit.
took some selfies for the first time since 2020. considering posting one here like ElleInWi did.
i’m going to scream all i’ve been doing for the past three days (between meltdowns+panic attacks) is scrubbing and cleaning to prepare for my partner’s birthday (because only three days ago he told me that we are hosting the party instead of having it at H’s house like usual) and it’s been physically exhausting and sensory hell and i’ve been perpetually soaked in filthy water.
usually i get up and then 2 or 3 hours later he wakes up but H is picking the both of us up an hour before i usually get up which means i’ll need to wake him up before she comes […]
I hate being awake I hate being asleep I hate being tired I hate eating I hate not eating I hate sweating I hate being wet I hate being damp I hate being dirty enough to taste it on my hands I hate being dirty enough to get another infection I hate not cutting I hate being caught cutting I hate when people talk to me I hate when people talk about me I hate when people see me I hate when people think of me I hate it when I can’t draw I hate when I can draw but the drawing ends up looking […]
My partner is aware that I cut and drink poppy milk and take other ppl’s meds and eat “bad” things (rancid meat, small objects, live bugs, little chunks of my thighs, etc). And when they find out they always shrug it off and either act like it’s normal or pointedly ignore it. They let me take care of them and fuss over their health and they’ll grumble about it sure but they never point out the blatant hypocrisy. They talk about my eating habits to their internet friends like it’s a funny party trick and sometimes I’m fine with that because at least they’re not […]
everyone was gone today. they told me yesterday that they were going out. i made a plan then and there.
i was stupid. it was so dumb, the reason i failed.
i couldn’t make it out of the fucking house. between all the blood loss and not being able to afford to refill my prescriptions and not having the will to eat for the last couple of days, I could barely even physically make it to the door, scrabbling along the floor. i passed out and vommed from the attempt.
i couldn’t do it in the house, i can’t leave behind that sort of mess for them. i […]
Living:
– can read more fanfic
– pay back the woman who’s been housing me during the pandemic
– play animal crossing
– post fanart online and read the comments
– make the animatic
– jack off
– eat meat
– still have the chance to get thinner
– listen to my partner’s plans for their au
– attend conventions again, someday
– sing along to music, loud+alone
Dying:
– I won’t be cognizant of anyone perceiving me
– I will not have to figure out how pay anyone back
– never have to interact with my parents again
– not stuck in this fucking body anymore
– […]