do you enjoy starting drama? i cant love my family because all they want to do is start drama because its what you thrive on. my father hid me and my sister from the world just so we wouldn’t end up like them and now we have terrible social skills, shes doing better than me though, i cant make friends because when i try to reach out to people they think im creepy or weird. all the people that supposedly love me keep treating me like dirt. i cant find my way and i just dont know what to do anymore but look back on the memories of when i was kinda happy, sad isn’t it? how my best memories are of when i was somewhat happy? my bulimia wont leave me alone. it doesn’t work anymore like it used to but i feel as if i have to do it because food doesn’t sit right in my stomach. i absolutely HATE the feeling of being full..not full as in i just ate alot at a buffet full, full as in content with hunger. andÂ all i ever hear anymore is about my sister. she did this and she needs to do this with her life. and shes pregnant now…. when my parents find out things in this house are going to get so much worse than they are now…shes trying to leave before she tells them but either way i loose …if she stays..hell…if she leaves..they take the anger out on me just like last time. plus ill miss her so much.. i don’t know what to do anymore i cant stand this world.. im an 18 year old white girl living in the absolute ghetto. im not racist but i literally am sickened by these “gangsters” robbing people, always asking me for money from me because im white i must be dumb and ignorantly nice…no..ive lived here all my life, i know how it works. i just wish i wasn’t here….like wipe off the face of the earth… cant trust anybody..cant catch a break…. i’ve written alot of suicide notes..just haven’t used them obviously…i dont know what to do….just needed to get some stuff off my chest..thanks for listening
ive been trying to keep a happy face on for the last week because i dont want to hurt anyone anymore. its kind alike at first they were worried about me and now its old news and i make them sick to their stomach or something, i dont want to be a burden and i dont want people to feel obligated to listen to my whining. it hurts though, knowing that none i know has the power to help me. it hurts that i cant find a way out of my own misery and it hurts that i’ve reached out to everyone and nothing has changed…they all say the same thing. i dont really know where to go from here. i feel like nothing im doing in my life is helping me or getting me anywhere. im in a university and everyones so proud, but i dont feel proud of myself. i dont know why i just dont feel like im doing anything productive and i keep trying. most days i daydream about shooting myself orwasting away just to get out of this endless routine. away from the lonlyness, away from helplessnes.Â i just dont know what to do….
sooo everyone i know has a best friend, their sidekick and vice versa and it makes me feel so horrible that i dont have one….i miss the goodays when life was good and i had friends that cared about me. i dont want this life anymore im so lonly and noone even notices let alone care. i miss going on outtings with friends and just being crazy and now im stuck at home while their having fun with their friends because they moved on with their life and dont need me anymore. i want to disinigrate fromt his earth andhave noone remember me.
so i have a doctors appointment for my depression on December 3rd….. that date runs through my mind everyday like its my birthday or something.. i think th appointment is just so the doctor can refer me to another doctor which is gonna be really disappointing. i used to be able to get through some days but now everyday is hard to get through. i have trouble keeping myself from going over board and my nights are worse. i feel anxsious for some reason and restless..i cant sleep at night until it gets real late and then im exhausted for school in the morning. i feel like i wanna cry but i just cant. i take volume sometimes to help ease everything but it dosnt last and i smoke a pack of cigarettes a day just to have something to do. i dont even have a happy home to relax at. last night i had my friend kayla over and it was all going well until my drunken father went and pissed in the hallway, walked through it and got back in his bed. he left a trail of pee footprints in the hallway..i was completely embarrassed and whats worse is that its not the first time its happened. everytime i have a friend over it happens…… it seems like the days get longer and longer. everyones so proud that im in a university but i dont feel like im getting anywhere as if im stuck in time or something. ill never get away from this live and since im so socially awkward i havnt made any friends in college so 90% of my day i talk to noone unless im grouped together for a project. i dotn know what to do but hold on to my doctors appointment date and wait to see whats in store for me…..december 3rd
i feel so stuck in this life, school, work, homework, boredom. my “friends” never have time to hang out so the only interaction i get is with my boyfriend and fake friends who only use me for my cigarettes or money. i yearn for an adventurous life but it just seems impossible. i have no major in college because none of them interest me and i can no longer imagine a future for myself. i have terrible social skills so making new friends is next to out of the question.. i see other people laughing and having a good time and my envy enrages me, why cant my life be like theirs? why cant i be as skinny as when i starved myself? i dont want this life anymore but im stuck with it because i am a coward.