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disgusting

Grit music

by disgusting 9/8/2015

written by disgusting

A not so famous quote from my best friend from high school that always makes me laugh – “Yeah I like grit music.”

If only Wndozh8r was here, he’d get it and I wouldn’t have to explain. LOL

Its like a guilty pleasure. I listen to 80s sometimes to de-stress and I end up on play lists of grit music. Or what you would know as hair metal.

A grit is a term we use back home in West Virginia for people who dress like fans of hair metal. Those are grits. Pikers. LMAO. Hahaha god I miss the days when things were simple….

9/8/2015 1 comment

Random thoughts & observations

by disgusting 9/7/2015

written by disgusting

There’s a pile of row boats on the beach and I’m wondering how well I could get away with rowing myself out really far on the lake in the middle of night, taking my pills and throwing myself over with a cinder block… LOL I am drinking too which is rare and I get stupid after a drink or two. But that would be more fitting for a viking like me! To die in the water where I belong!

I’ve considered outlandish things like if I could get away with going to Vegas to end it, until I really got an awesome idea that would be […]

9/7/2015 13 comments

Listen to this

by disgusting 9/7/2015

written by disgusting

I’m trying to put together a playlist of songs that, throughout my life at some point, have held meaning. A couple may just be extras that are favorites from the offline playlist I’ll have on repeat when I go. But if someone would just listen, then you would know who I am. Sorry if you don’t understand the songs not in English, you are missing out on good stuff with deep meaning. 😉

Listen to me: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNzoz_Bdzq_8KDAlE7hyzW6vXBT0AxqR-

9/7/2015 3 comments

No one listens

by disgusting 9/7/2015

written by disgusting

I just got to writing a good steam of conciousness for a change, about how no one listens to me. Long story short, everyone else is always telling their stories about their life and no one is willing to listen to mine. Even the people closest to me who see me the most don’t listen, so how can I ever matter in this world? I don’t, and I can’t. Anyway, I guess this will be the book to look for when I’m gone. I bought it at least a few months ago but haven’t kept up with writing in it. It was my intention to […]

9/7/2015 3 comments

Guilt…

by disgusting 9/4/2015

written by disgusting

Anyone else feel guilt knowing what you’re going to do to others? Of course most people aren’t backed into a corner like I am… but it’s hitting me a little bit here and a little bit there.

One of my bosses had a friend die yesterday. With my death coming soon, I feel bad for inevitably making her cry.
For everyone at my jobs, for letting them down, being such a disappointment and a waste of time, money, energy, training and resources. I’m sorry I can’t go on being homeless.
My kid. Yes, I have one out there who will be 17 next month. It’s her decision after […]

9/4/2015 3 comments

…

by disgusting 9/4/2015

written by disgusting

I can’t even think. I feel dead inside. There’s always a reason to keep me down. SROs are like prisons that you pay market rate apartment rent for, to have a prison cell sized room, be controlled, moniotred, have your belongings rummaged through every othe day, and aren’t allowed to have visitors beyond common areas. Fuck that. I hope I don’t get in. I’m going to put an end to this shit soon.

I don’t even feel as in love as I once did. He kind of pisses me off that he can complain about his life and problems, even posting on Facebook that he wanted […]

9/4/2015 0 comment

There’s no hope, and it’ll be soon.

by disgusting 9/3/2015

written by disgusting

There’s no hope of my finding a place to live. My income isn’t enough for an SRO which is stricter than getting an apartment. Those are shitty jail cell sized rooms you pay as much for as an apartment, to share a bathroom with the building, having to eat all of your meals out as food isn’t allowed, and you can’t have visitors. Even worse is proving income. You can’t prove you have an income at all when everything is done over the internet. I get paid through online payroll services to an online (prepaid) bank account. No paper is exchanged and that’s what they […]

9/3/2015 2 comments

Falling apart..

by disgusting 9/1/2015

written by disgusting

Things falling apart for me: Not getting paid from 2nd job unless I get a Chase account, that I can’t get due to horrible credit score. Main job has to switch payment system so there could be a huge 3 week interruption. This leave me with $0 to live on. Can’t rent a place now!!!

Things fall apart for Man of My Dreams: his life long disability that he has received from birth suddenly gets cut off without warning or reason. He will be homeless and I don’t have a place to offer him, and can’t get a place with my jobs unable to pay me. […]

9/1/2015 4 comments

No kind of life

by disgusting 9/1/2015

written by disgusting

I fully give up in finding housing. There’s absolutely no place for me in this world. I’m completely fucking useless and a throw away of society with a computer degree, (almost) film degree, and IQ of 137. It all means nothing. Homeless and transgender, physical disabilities and failing health due to homelessness and lack of sleep. No one gives a fuck and there is no help. No one wants to live with someone obese. No one wants to live with someone over the age of 30. No one will rent to someone with bad credit. No one will rent to someone who’s background check produces […]

9/1/2015 4 comments

I’m done!!!

by disgusting 8/31/2015

written by disgusting

This is the last fucking straw! I can’t get a known slum lord to rent to me because of my credit and my name change from a female name to a male name is surely the trigger that set him off, but he had already decided against renting to me before he even got my application. He didn’t look at anything. He just knew he didn’t want some freak there.

I’m too fat and ugly to ever be loved, laid, or even be accepted as a roommate. I’m destined to be homeless and alone and no one has any fucking idea what it’s like to be […]

8/31/2015 10 comments

I wish I would die

by disgusting 8/30/2015

written by disgusting

I wish I would die, that my body would just give out or some freak accident will happen to take me out. I’ve wondered if I could go to a bad area at night and coax someone into shooting me in the head. I feel like placing personal ads saying it’s a last ditch effort before I kill myself, because people need to be taught a fucking lesson about not completely fucking with others feelings.

8/30/2015 0 comment

I’ve never felt so alone

by disgusting 8/29/2015

written by disgusting

The worst day was last week, seeing the guy I have loved so deeply and gave my all to go for the first girl who showed interest. Given the time to think, I really hate her. She played innocent to get my confidence as well, so that I would tell her how much I love this guy. When in secret, she was telling him she was interested in him. He goes for it because she is young, short and skinny. She admits to having multiple boyfriends and being polyamourus and the one she lives with looks well older than me. I don’t think it’s romantic. […]

8/29/2015 5 comments

People here…

by disgusting 8/26/2015

written by disgusting

Wndozh8r (did I get that right?) Been trying to tell you that I’m also from WV. I was born & raised in Morgantown. I am only surprised more people in WV aren’t in here, because living in WV is enough to make one want to kill themselves. 😉 lol (But actually I have had a moment or two of being homesick. It’ll be 2 years out of WV before I know it. I lost my whole family and life there.)

Somebody Insignificant (is that right?) Damn it to hell, I’m horny! Lol

And for others, I wonder what these guys look like who swear they’re going to […]

8/26/2015 15 comments

I lost my will

by disgusting 8/25/2015

written by disgusting

I got here and my motivation tanked. I laid on the ground and cried for hours. I haven’t seen any more trains when there’s supposed to be over 100 a day, and they seem to move too slow. In any case, my first name is Seth. I live in Chicago. I’m in a public place. I’ll be back to work in the morning.

8/25/2015 10 comments

I’m nervous as hell

by disgusting 8/24/2015

written by disgusting

I’m nervous about leaving my stuff behind. Im nervous of getting caught. I’m nervous of having to jump coz all trains are built the same. I’ve never been so nervous. I just want the suffering over with.

8/24/2015 9 comments

It’ll be soon

by disgusting 8/24/2015

written by disgusting

I want to do it tonight, but it’s harder on a weekday because of work. I don’t think I can bear this pain until the weekend. I’m miserable. I’m ready to go. I wrote instructions on my leg. I’ll write more on my arm later. It’s a matter of principal. I’ve always said this, the longer I’m alive, the longer people will treat me like shit and feel they have every fucking right to. I will leave my name here as soon before the event as possible. I also have to apologize to my work by email and basically tell off the guy I loved.

8/24/2015 28 comments

Can I die?

by disgusting 8/24/2015

written by disgusting

The e worst thing happened. The guy I love finds someone who likes him, and he gives me this fucking shut that I don’t really love him anyway. Always any fucking excuse to not have to consider me or my feelings!

So, can someone who is 360 pounds even be killed by an impact? What about the head? Would my neck be too thick?

8/24/2015 6 comments

I should just run in front of a train

by disgusting 8/13/2015

written by disgusting

I should do it without thinking. I can’t live like this!!!!! After the last several weeks, thought we were getting closer, he even asks if I could be fwb, then now it’s no I don’t want to come see you but I want your paycheck to help me out instead, and again with this that it hurts him that I love him. I need to just fucking kill myself!!!

8/13/2015 8 comments

I can’t stand another second

by disgusting 8/7/2015

written by disgusting

It’s getting close to that. I should have killed myself already. The guy I love wants every woman in the world and all I want is him. And he might take off to go far out west where he said his dad’s been telling him to go live because the laws are the most lenient on people in his situation. He said it just got worse here making it more impossible for him to have a place to live. I do agree it’s rediculous. But it kills me. I can’t even touch him or hold him. I can’t live without him. He’s everything to me. […]

8/7/2015 4 comments

I want to die now

by disgusting 8/6/2015

written by disgusting

Work has me in a hotel tonight since I’m homeless. Worst one they could have picked. Apparently there’s a Hottest Women in America convention going on because the hotel is packed with all women. Yeah I want a gun to blow my fucking brains out right this second. My ‘friend’ is coming over but I’m sure he’ll find one of these women to fuck and forget about me. I’m so fuckng sick of this shit, being too fucking ugly to ever be loved, being homeless and all alone in the world!!!!

8/6/2015 4 comments

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