Over the weekend I had one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I can’t help but love him even though he won’t be mine. He admitted to being superficial. But I ended up getting to rub him down with a full body massage. And it was relaxing, in the sense that, it’s a moment I’ve always dreamed of, giving all of my attention to the one I love, in a romantic way. Only thing I couldn’t do is follow it up with kisses, since we’re not at that level. I’m afraid I’ll never see him now that something he’s committed to doing has […]
It feels so empty without him around. My friend, that I met and fell for from day 1, my feelings have just been growing stronger even though I know I don’t have a chance in hell. If I were just half way normal looking and almost a normal size, I might have a chance at the love of my life. Yeah I’m afraid it’s to that point. He has stolen my heart and soul. There are times I get a little aggravated and plenty of times I get hurt in how he can want every girl on the planet but I still don’t have the […]
Last weekend I decided on today to be the best day to kill myself. It made a lot more sense than 7/2/15 because I didn’t see a connection in those numbers. But I like, and do like, how 11/30/77 to 7/30/15 looks and sounds. I’m a bit of a numbers freak, so dying on the same day of the month is appealing, along with the connection between my birth year (two 7’s) and it being the 7th month. Close enough. Like I said, I’m a numbers freak and I pay crazy attention to numbers. But what stopped me???? ….
I was (and do still) feel so […]
And having so much trouble. Why the hell can’t I phrase anything the way that it needs to be said and that accurately expresses it????
Fucking too much to ask of the universe. Figures I’d plan a weekend with him and end up alone.
I wish being good to him was enough. I wish giving everything I have to give was enough. I wish loving and adoring him were enough. I wish it wasnt all about looks and money. I wish I could be the one to worship him. I wish I counted. I wish he believed my love was real instead of desperation as he thinks it is. I wish he weren’t superficial at all. I wish I didn’t have to be without him. He thinks it’s unhealthy to love just one person… and I don’t think it’s anything close to love to want a dozen or more […]
Unfortunately still alive. Yesterday one of my best friends from high school basically said she was going to kill herself. Seemingly she has it all. Born into money, comfortable, normal life that I’ll never have. She wouldn’t answer as to why.
And after all the pain, I still find myself loving the guy I fell for May 1st, the day we met. I know he’ll never give me a chance. He’s so stuck on looks and ‘proving himself’ to the world. I wish he could see it from a different perspective. One where he could realize he has someone who has given him so much, would […]
Just seconds after my last post, I see him with some girl. Mr Nobody Likes Me. Yeah right. He’s gorgeous enough to have them lined up and on a wait list until 2045. I can understand that he’d never no chance in hell go for me but what I can’t understand is totally ignoring and writing someone off who would do anything for you. Must be that he convinced himself that my love can’t be real since I’m so ugly it must be that I’m jus desperate or crazy. If somebody wanted time with me I wouldn’t ignore them or write them off. He damn […]
I’m pissed because I saw this thing yesterday that makes it sound like some huge opportunity but it’s not. You need a bachelor’s degree and to pay for everything. So, not as desperate as they make themselves out to be for candidates. What it was, was an ad on the back of a card saying anyone with any experience can go be a school teacher in Vegas because they’re so desperate for teachers. Now I hate people so it wouldn’t be my first choice but I hate everything in my life and I want a change of scene. Then when I looked into it they’ll […]
Ya all must be sick of me. I have no one in my life to talk to. No one. I’ve since lost the one friend I did talk to because she ultimately didn’t approve of the guy I fell for being so much as alive and breathing. Yeah that pissed me off, of course. But I’m alone. And stuck with being homeless. I’d have to quit my job just to have the time to look for a place, but then I couldn’t pay for it. It’s just never going to happen. I can’t make any sense of this life, working so hard just to be […]
Now I want to kill myself for the simple fact that I’m sick to death of every person on earth saying I’m bat shit crazy and fucked up in the head because I want love in my life!!!! Everyone since I was a kid has said that it’s wrong for me to think about love or want love!! Now I get called bat shit crazy and am said to not know what love is or be capable of loving anyone!!! I am going to fucking kill myself this year so everyone can shut the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!
No matter how soon or how much more of this year I’ll see, I really want to do one more thing. I’ll have to buy another cheap tattoo kit like the one I had before and take the risk of attempting it with the hand I don’t normally write with. But I want “I’m not human” written on my arm. I at least want it known when I die what my main problem was and that sums it up. I took a chance earlier and put my soul crushing experience on a very public forum just to vent it out that yes I am hurt, […]
I finally figured out what it is. He completely invalidated my feelings. The love I’ve felt for him or anyone else, he writes off as stupid or crazy. So my feelings aren’t real to others and therefore don’t matter. Apparently you can stomp all over my ‘feelings’ and it won’t hurt me because I don’t really have any true, honest, normal and rational feelings like everybody else. That just invalidates my entire LIFE because I’ve known what I wanted out of life since I was 5. My death truly won’t matter.
The guy I love has his life and a ton of friends. I can see how we’re not as close already. I have no one and he doesn’t understand. He honestly thinks he’s been rejected more than I have but I call bullshit because I’m rejected from every damn thing for my looks even for a place to stay! I’ve been told I don’t look human and shouldn’t be allowed outside. I literally am homeless because I’m too ugly for anyone to accept my money as payment for rent. I’m laying on the floor at work for fuck’s sake and it’s the first time I’ve […]
Positive thinking / radical self love
I saw this linked on facebook yesterday and agree with it 100%. Even my friend that I’m in love with, who has a real bad deal in life, believes this think positive crap. I’ve always said I’m living proof you can work as hard as possible, give all of yourself, put out 1000% and still not get shit in return. Seriously, go read the article because I can’t put it any better.
I hate when he doesn’t talk to me and I feel like it’s because he can’t stand me loving him. I know I’m too hideous to love but I can’t stand being shut out. I might as well confess somthing since it will never happen anyway, because I’ll kill myself at some point this year. But I used to, since the age of 5, occasionally make plans for building a robot, because I knew even that young, that that would be the only way I’d ever have a male companion. The first Terminator movie didn’t come out until I was about 7. Over the years, […]
That’s how I feel, every day. I hate holidays. I could go run around with the guy I like again, but I’m exhausted. I’ve basically been “partying all weekend” starting on Thursday – the day I had set to kill myself, but at least minute was given the ok to come hang out, and it’s not really my thing to run around like a teenager and party. On the other hand, one of the many things I’ve loved about him is that I feel younger with him. He’s 6 years younger than me, but he has the energy of a teenager and at 37, I […]
Just saying I’m still here. I went to see the guy I like and it was different. Or rather, I tried to hide my feelings and I can’t do that forever. I learned that he is insanely picky and judgemental of girls and decides in less than a nanosecond who’s good enough for him and who isn’t, with most getting the no pass. But I’m still insanely attracted to him because he’s my type. I still feel like I’m better off dead, since I’ll never have love and there’s no point in living without someone to give my everything to.
Since my last (serious) post, I made this pic and put it as the wallpaper on my phone. It’s a question to myself only. The point was to see if it felt right or wrong or somewhere outside of that. Having sat with it for a couple of days, I’ve accepted it and thought it felt good. I always wanted to go out close to or on my birthday, but last winter was too fucking cold and I said I want to be comfortable when I do it. With that said, I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. It felt like we were really […]
I was thinking surely there’s got to be a train tracker that isn’t just local transit. Something that tracks all trains, frieght, passenger and local transit, shows you where they’re at, and schedule of next trains due to pass your location. If there isn’t, who’s a stronger coder that wants to build it with me? We could at least leave a legacy. We could call it Splatr. Rotflmao!