It feels so empty without him around. My friend, that I met and fell for from day 1, my feelings have just been growing stronger even though I know I don’t have a chance in hell. If I were just half way normal looking and almost a normal size, I might have a chance at the love of my life. Yeah I’m afraid it’s to that point. He has stolen my heart and soul. There are times I get a little aggravated and plenty of times I get hurt in how he can want every girl on the planet but I still don’t have the slightest chance in hell… For those that dont know, I’m a transguy. And I’m actually a little confused now. I’ve always hated being a girl but I’m only attracted to men and I could actually stop transition and just keep on a low dose of testosterone to be with a man. But anyways, as I was saying, in the end my feelings keep growing stronger no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it, or how much I wish it’d go away, or wish that I could give up and just get over him. But I love him. I can’t help it. And it kills me. But I love him more than I think he can fathom being loved. He says he knows what it’s like because he’s in love with someone else that doesn’t see him that way. But he still looks at every girl on the planet like “yeah I’d do her” when I’m right beside him, deeply and forever in love with him… but he’s also the reason I can’t kill myself. I do more for him than anyone and it would hurt him deeply. It hurts so much to be without him. I just feel like this is my person to spend my time with. I can’t help it. I hate being so ugly, disgusting and being this she-he kind of freak.
