Even if i fucking hung myself today, I seriously don’t think anyone would give a fuck. My mum and dad, they’d get over it, cry at the burial and then move on with their lives. My friends pfft, like anyone would even turn up to say goodbye yeah cos i  don’t even have real friends. Everyone that knew my name, oh Rip teenage girl, and then not give a fuck. Seriously don’t think I would  be missed. I don’t believe i need to be part of the world.
Why I must I fuck up in the tiniest way, and lose friends over it? I just don’t understand why people can’t take jokes. In the end I end up all alone anyway, so whats the fucking point of existing when no one wants me included in their life?  And then when i’m finally excepted, I fuck it up? And because they have more friends, they dont give 2 shits about  what happens because they have a back up plan. But me? I may have about 1 friend, and I’ve just lost them, over some stupid tripping incident which narrows it down to I AM […]
Its coming back. I was fine for a few days, actually looking at the positives and I didn’t even cut which was an achievement.
But of course i have to get sucked back in. I blame people. people close to me. I used to know this guy that treated me like a princess, always made me feel beautiful and was the nicest to me. He actually made me feel human unlike all the other people around me. he accepted me.
I was always nice to him because he was always nice to me. And I’ve never said anything to make  him get upset or wateva. So recently […]
hey have you noticed, that most people hate this world, because of other people?
If I was the only person living in this world, it would be glorious yet boring.
Controversy brings us to life, and peoples shit and torture awakens us. if anything we grow stronger, yet then again, we can crash down, and not get back up again. I believe life is a gift, fuck all those who share  it with you, and take advantage of it. be selfish, with life. do not let others ruin it for you.
i’m always self-conscious about my weight.
i’m convinced people don’t like me because i’m ugly inside and out. thats why i have no friends. i always say that ” if i was skinny and pretty, everyone would like me.” i think that i might try throwing up my food, after I eat it. Â I would do it more often, but i hate the feeling of vomit. Why can’t I just be skinny, and pretty?
i cried last night. i don’t know why. i just did. i cried silently into my pillow, made a new contact on my phone, put in a random number and named him God.  I texted God, but that stupid exclamation mark came up when it hasn’t been delivered  so it made me even more sad. the message was not delivered so i cut myself.
i’m so scared. maybe my dad did see the knife in my school bag, that was lodged into my maths book. i’m really scared. i’m not up for my parents confronting me.
i think i am most ready to leave this world, when i am alone. when  i’m at school, when i’m walking through a shopping centre, because they’re all strangers, and when i’m home alone. if anyone was to ever witness the things i do when i am alone, i would fear their judgement, and some mysterious way, i would hurt myself enough to never return.
every fucking time my dad tries to empathise with me, when i tell him i am having a hard time at school, he tells me “walk away and stop starting shit.” i cannot believe the people that are biologically programmed to love me. do they even care? its not like i tell them shit about my life, i just say it like it is. and wen i ask them, have you ever been bullied, were you ever the bully? they reply with no so how the fuck do they expect to understand when they haven’t gone through shit. i hate my fucking disfunctional life. as […]
being brought up in a Catholic family, I came to believe that Jesus is real. Even though I pray, evil gets the better of me, and I can’t stop. When I sit in a Church, it being silent, although overwhelming in some way or another, I pull back my sleeves and tears stream down over my scars. I hear some kind of voice pleading “Please stop. You’re too beautiful for harm.” And for a second I believe, and some kind of hope enters my thoughts, but as I leave through the doors of God’s house, that’s it. I don’t care. And the cycle continues.
I dont […]