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Angry?

by Drake
written by Drake

Has anyone ever kept years worth of emotion bottled up to the point where you’re afraid to release it anymore? to the point that you feel every ounce of rage you can muster suddenly flare whenever the slightest thing irritates you?

This is my third post. It’s been a couple weeks since my last and I’ve gotten a bit better; my first two posts would’ve persuaded any psychiatrist I was ready and willing to commit suicide. I’ve gotten better. Things have started looking up a bit. But that pain still lingers. And with it, an anger I can’t even begin to describe. All my life I’ve striven to maintain control over my anger. When I was little I would watch my Dad blow up, my mom too, and just try to cover my ears and tell myself, “it’ll be over soon, it’ll be over soon…” I knew I didn’t want to be like that. I’m a Cancer (for anyone out there that follows the Zodiac you’ll better understand) so my emotions are naturally pretty volatile. It’s taken a lot of effort to contain them.

Now I feel like I can barely maintain control. I’ve passed the point where I’m afraid what may happen if I release it again. Back when I was in seventh grade I cut loose on a guy in my class who had been practically bullying me for three months prior. I was tired, sick, and in a bad mood overall. He just chose the wrong moment. It didn’t go far at all, the teacher stopped me and I regained my senses before I could do any damage, but still it showed me just how much I had held in. That was years ago, and I still bottle things up… I mean yeah I felt better, but I couldn’t believe how I’d just let myself go… my depression doesn’t help at all, it just erodes my barriers and provides holes for it to escape through. I’ll have days where I feel like I’m about to tear through a wall just to vent and others where I can’t be in the same room with someone who for some reason or another has gotten on my bad side.

I don’t let anyone see it though. I put on a smile and act like nothing’s wrong. Doing that just hurts though. I imagine a day when I can finally find a girl that can soothe all that pain. The pain never ends… I just want peace…

If you want to better understand this, see my earlier posts- “Admitting it and hoping someone is listening”, “What IS the point?”

**DISCLAIMER** I’m not a Zodiac follower or anything, I’ve just read up on it and find it interesting from a philosophical standpoint

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

What IS the point?

by Drake
written by Drake

This is my second post. today hadn’t been that good. I’ve been floating in and out of sadness and depression. I’ve begun considering going to see a psychiatrist for my problems; hopefully they’ll be able to answer some of my questions because… I don’t understand this…

Each night I go to sleep, hoping I won’t wake up. During the night I wake and watch the shadows drift around me and beg God to never let it end, to just let those shadows stay forever and take me away into the darkness. Then when the sun rises I’m still breathing and I curse my own being. Getting up is the hardest thing; I can’t bear to face yet another day… As the hours pass I occupy myself with fantasies of my own death, each one more wild and gruesome. In between them I beg God to put a bullet into my head. Then as the evening winds down I sit and just stare sometimes, wondering “Why?” “Why do I continue to live? Why can’t God do the very thing to me that hundreds of thousands of people resist? Losing life.” I ask for it… and yet never get it. Is my existence tied to something that I have to be alive for? Am I meant to do something? If not then I am totally meaningless… I just don’t understand…

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Admitting it. And hoping someone is listening…

by Drake
written by Drake

This is the first time I’ve ever publically posted/said that I am in as much pain as I am. I’ve hidden it for years, even when I was a young teen. When I was little I thought everybody had bad days like mine: times when the world looked grey, when even speaking was difficult, when my soul felt sucked from me. I’m too afraid to truly come out and tell anyone around me how I really feel. They’ll all just say “Just put on a smile and look on the bright side” or “It’ll be okay, just buck up”. Can’t anyone see that I can’t see the bright side anymore?! I’ve been putting on smiles for years! I’ve gotten so good at it that I could be about to cry and still fool someone into thinking I’m fine!! Why can’t they understand?! Why can’t anyone SEE it?!

My only respite is sleep. Sleep is the closest I can get to death. That silent, gentle oblivion just as you drift off… when there isn’t sound or light or thought. Nothing. That’s all I want. The nothingness. God, how many times I’ve prayed to sleep forever, to never wake up again. And yet each morning finds me alive… barely. I’m too afraid to take my own life and so I search for things to do it for me. I pray constantly for my heart to simply stop. I beg to just drop and never rise again.

Even when I was little I would imagine death. I never thought it was actually contemplating suicide until recently, but it was. I would fantasize about how everyone would feel if I suddenly wasn’t around anymore. I would dream of what my parents would think if they walked into my room and found their son in a pool of blood. It would make me feel better. Over the years, though, it’s gotten worse. I feel more capable than ever. My heart races when I imagine suicide now. “I could do it! I could do it right now and everything would be ok! I could end it right now and it would all be over!” Oh what a rush that is, the excitement that the end is so near! And then it never comes and I’m lower than before… sometimes I even feel like God is against me in this. When I try to relieve the pain, obstacles appear that only He could put there and I think, “Why? Do you want me feel this way? Is it pleasing to see your son suffer every day of his life?”

Loneliness is a big part of it. I so desperately long for a woman to hold and cherish, someone who could look me in the eyes when I’m smiling my hardest and say, “What’s wrong?” I’ve waited and watched but none have appeared. I beg so dearly for that woman that I weep myself to sleep many nights and the pain drives deeper, that white-hot blade slicing deeper.

Please… someone out there help me… I can’t live with this pain much longer, I just can’t. Maybe one day soon my prayers will be answered at last and I’ll finally find the oblivion I want so much… or maybe God will be even crueler and let me go to my grave with my sorrows.

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