This is the first time I’ve ever publically posted/said that I am in as much pain as I am. I’ve hidden it for years, even when I was a young teen. When I was little I thought everybody had bad days like mine: times when the world looked grey, when even speaking was difficult, when my soul felt sucked from me. I’m too afraid to truly come out and tell anyone around me how I really feel. They’ll all just say “Just put on a smile and look on the bright side” or “It’ll be okay, just buck up”. Can’t anyone see that I can’t see the bright side anymore?! I’ve been putting on smiles for years! I’ve gotten so good at it that I could be about to cry and still fool someone into thinking I’m fine!! Why can’t they understand?! Why can’t anyone SEE it?!
My only respite is sleep. Sleep is the closest I can get to death. That silent, gentle oblivion just as you drift off… when there isn’t sound or light or thought. Nothing. That’s all I want. The nothingness. God, how many times I’ve prayed to sleep forever, to never wake up again. And yet each morning finds me alive… barely. I’m too afraid to take my own life and so I search for things to do it for me. I pray constantly for my heart to simply stop. I beg to just drop and never rise again.
Even when I was little I would imagine death. I never thought it was actually contemplating suicide until recently, but it was. I would fantasize about how everyone would feel if I suddenly wasn’t around anymore. I would dream of what my parents would think if they walked into my room and found their son in a pool of blood. It would make me feel better. Over the years, though, it’s gotten worse. I feel more capable than ever. My heart races when I imagine suicide now. “I could do it! I could do it right now and everything would be ok! I could end it right now and it would all be over!” Oh what a rush that is, the excitement that the end is so near! And then it never comes and I’m lower than before… sometimes I even feel like God is against me in this. When I try to relieve the pain, obstacles appear that only He could put there and I think, “Why? Do you want me feel this way? Is it pleasing to see your son suffer every day of his life?”
Loneliness is a big part of it. I so desperately long for a woman to hold and cherish, someone who could look me in the eyes when I’m smiling my hardest and say, “What’s wrong?” I’ve waited and watched but none have appeared. I beg so dearly for that woman that I weep myself to sleep many nights and the pain drives deeper, that white-hot blade slicing deeper.
Please… someone out there help me… I can’t live with this pain much longer, I just can’t. Maybe one day soon my prayers will be answered at last and I’ll finally find the oblivion I want so much… or maybe God will be even crueler and let me go to my grave with my sorrows.