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Admitting it. And hoping someone is listening…

by Drake

This is the first time I’ve ever publically posted/said that I am in as much pain as I am. I’ve hidden it for years, even when I was a young teen. When I was little I thought everybody had bad days like mine: times when the world looked grey, when even speaking was difficult, when my soul felt sucked from me. I’m too afraid to truly come out and tell anyone around me how I really feel. They’ll all just say “Just put on a smile and look on the bright side” or “It’ll be okay, just buck up”. Can’t anyone see that I can’t see the bright side anymore?! I’ve been putting on smiles for years! I’ve gotten so good at it that I could be about to cry and still fool someone into thinking I’m fine!! Why can’t they understand?! Why can’t anyone SEE it?!

My only respite is sleep. Sleep is the closest I can get to death. That silent, gentle oblivion just as you drift off… when there isn’t sound or light or thought. Nothing. That’s all I want. The nothingness. God, how many times I’ve prayed to sleep forever, to never wake up again. And yet each morning finds me alive… barely. I’m too afraid to take my own life and so I search for things to do it for me. I pray constantly for my heart to simply stop. I beg to just drop and never rise again.

Even when I was little I would imagine death. I never thought it was actually contemplating suicide until recently, but it was. I would fantasize about how everyone would feel if I suddenly wasn’t around anymore. I would dream of what my parents would think if they walked into my room and found their son in a pool of blood. It would make me feel better. Over the years, though, it’s gotten worse. I feel more capable than ever. My heart races when I imagine suicide now. “I could do it! I could do it right now and everything would be ok! I could end it right now and it would all be over!” Oh what a rush that is, the excitement that the end is so near! And then it never comes and I’m lower than before… sometimes I even feel like God is against me in this. When I try to relieve the pain, obstacles appear that only He could put there and I think, “Why? Do you want me feel this way? Is it pleasing to see your son suffer every day of his life?”

Loneliness is a big part of it. I so desperately long for a woman to hold and cherish, someone who could look me in the eyes when I’m smiling my hardest and say, “What’s wrong?” I’ve waited and watched but none have appeared. I beg so dearly for that woman that I weep myself to sleep many nights and the pain drives deeper, that white-hot blade slicing deeper.

Please… someone out there help me… I can’t live with this pain much longer, I just can’t. Maybe one day soon my prayers will be answered at last and I’ll finally find the oblivion I want so much… or maybe God will be even crueler and let me go to my grave with my sorrows.


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Catelen 7/31/2013 - 7:34 pm

Hey, hang in there, you’re not alone here.

What’s preventing you from making friends and alleviating this loneliness? No one is going to walk up to you and instantly be your friend, you need to give them a reason to befriend you, you need to put in some effort. Have you tried reaching out before? Have you spoken to anyone?

From the looks of it, it seems you have a chemical imbalance in your brain (obviously) and that’s not the end of the world, it’s something that can be treated. Have you seen anyone for medication? I’m on a couple prescriptions myself, and although it doesn’t complete erase depression and suicidal idealizations, it has made my life easier, it may help you as well.

“Can’t anyone see that I can’t see the bright side anymore?! I’ve been putting on smiles for years! I’ve gotten so good at it that I could be about to cry and still fool someone into thinking I’m fine!! Why can’t they understand?! Why can’t anyone SEE it?!”

People won’t think there’s anything wrong with you if you don’t make it apparent. It doesn’t work that way. Nobody is going to guess you’re in pain if you don’t tell someone. If someone asks you how you’re doing, if you tell them “I’m fine” then that’s exactly what they will believe. No one is going to think “he said he was ‘fine’ oh no, this is a sign that something must be terribly wrong, I must help this guy!” Reach out, you could be surprised by the results. I think you could also benefit from a therapist.

Think clearly, think rationally and think logically, things will change one way or another, nothing is the same forever. 🙂

Selbstmord 7/31/2013 - 7:50 pm

You have to understand dearest that god isnt merciful and no matter how badly you want it, no one will truly understand… you sound so so alone and hopeless, i can say that i feel the same at the moment, death is so final.. death right now doesnt seem so right, death is welcoming just like all of the blades dear one.. but i learned that becoming numb, tuning everything else out is more final than death. Ive imagined countless times about being found in a bloody bath tub and my parents crying, i could only wish they cared.. the fact is the more you suffer the more they stop caring, death looks so tastey.. you know what my mom said the last time i tried to kill myself? “Why dont you do us all a favor and get it right next time.” Then she threw a pair of scissors at me.., the world is harsh and we are all drowning within ourselves. Let your sadness flow out like blood on the streets dear one.. all we have to comfort us in the end are our own screams and shattered fantasies. Im here if you want to talk, always will be…

sdae 7/31/2013 - 8:06 pm

I understand pretty much everything that you’re feeling, I have been going through the same thing, but I am starting to slowly get out of it. I’m here if you ever want to talk.

Drake 7/31/2013 - 8:28 pm

Hey, Catelen
I have made friends before. South Texas is practically where I grew up and had my entire friend network there; every person I care for was there. Then one morning during freshman year in high school, on the way to school my mom turns to me and says, “We’re moving to Dallas.” My heart stopped then. It’s had difficulty beating ever since. I went into a week-long depression; grades dropped, I couldn’t concentrate. I lost every single friend I had after I moved except four; my closest circle of friends. For the next three years I didn’t try to make friends. In some dark corner of my mind I believed I would just lose them again. I can’t bear that loss again. (I did anyway; my favorite grandfather died two months later. THEN my parents divorced five months after that)
No, I haven’t really tried to reach out to anyone. I’ve been too afraid of the consequences. The few times I have tried I would leave hints and people would start freaking out and I would close up again. I feel like if I did it would just make things worse. My dad would point me to the church, my mom would just cry, and my superiors would probably look at me sternly before putting me through all kinds of crap. I’ve always had trouble trusting people with how I feel; I show my emotions, but the deepest, darkest essences of my soul I keep under a heavily locked door… just because I don’t trust anyone to open it.
Yeah, I’ve always thought there was something wrong in my brain, but I never went in for a diagnosis. too scared of what I would discover. I’ve always been under the impression that if there’s something wrong in my head, I can’t get a job, can’t work, can’t do anything because everyone would be too averse to hiring a psychotic. So I kept it under wraps. And yeah, a therapist sounds REALLY nice right now… but again… I’m just scared of how I feel…
You’re right, nothing stays the same. there’s always a tiny hope in my that maybe tomorrow I won’t feel so bad… I’ve yet to be impressed…

Drake 7/31/2013 - 8:41 pm

thanks Selbstmord, and you too sdae.
This is the first time I’ve actually come out and told ANYONE about this… People have heard bits and pieces but never this much. talking does help a bit…
Selbstmord, I’m here for you too if you ever want to talk…

Catelen 7/31/2013 - 9:09 pm

Hey, sorry if I came off a little harsh, I didn’t mean to sound critical.

Have you ever tried CBT? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It’s shown to be very effective and I think you could definitely benefit it. It’s separating emotions from actions from thoughts and in turn reality. A lot of what you’re claiming are assumptions that may very well be false.

“My dad would point me to the church, my mom would just cry, and my superiors would probably look at me sternly before putting me through all kinds of crap.”

“can’t get a job, can’t work, can’t do anything because everyone would be too averse to hiring a psychotic”

These aren’t definite, and as much as you’re convinced of these, they’re probably not true. You’ve got a lot of emotions driving your thoughts, which distorts them. You assume things and project these negative thoughts on other people, meaning you think that this person feels X, Y and Z towards you or is going to do X, Y and Z when in reality, that’s just an assumption.

Now, I’m not saying that everything you’re thinking is totally wrong, assumptions are usually based on some form of evidence, which is why they’re valid and logical in your mind. Although there are some risks involved with reaching out I don’t believe you’re going to get the exact reaction you’re anticipating. Take a step back and really evaluate what you think is going to happen. Why do you think this? CBT involves first deciphering thoughts, then emotions and then the actions you take because of your emotions.

For example, here:

Thought: These people are going to reject me because of these negative thoughts and feelings I have

Emotion: Feelings of loneliness, feeling rejected, feeling trapped, hopeless etc.

Actions: Isolation etc.

Your thoughts are distorted, the distortions are:

– overgeneralizing
– magnification of problem
– jumping to conclusions

Reality: Your Dad isn’t definitely going to send you to church or condemn you for your feelings. Your Dad may have more compassion than you think. If you reach out to him, explain the reasoning of your thoughts, if you present it logically people will understand. Communication is essential.

Employers are not going to definitely reject you because of mental health issues. You fail to see your own value as a employee, you may be worth more than you think you are, and employers will see that. If they don’t give you the job, what have you lost? Back to square one. I know the economy is crap, but there are definitely more than one place you can apply to.

Try to evaluate your problem and break it down piece by piece. You may not be in a hole as deep as you think you are

I highly recommend David Burns book ‘The Feeling Good Handbook’ It’s a little cliche, but it focuses on CBT and helps you really think about your problem in a non distorted way. You can find out more about CBT on the internet

Take care 🙂

Drake 7/31/2013 - 9:41 pm

Thanks Catelen
You didn’t sound harsh or anything. I see the sense in what you’re saying and CBT sounds like something I’ve been doing for a while actually. I’ll watch myself think about issues, pry my thoughts apart, and figure out why I think the way I do. It’s helped me figure out a lot about my emotions in the past and manipulate them how I want. But with this… these problems have been going on for so long. I’ve tried to analyze it and pick it apart but that dark side of me is stronger than I thought. I’ll try to look up that book.
And I know that everything I think could just be assumptions. But it’s just what I’ve believed for so long and I’m afraid to go out and test them in case I turn out to be right. I’ve always been the cautious type :-/
And another side to it is that my current job would get pretty rough if I suddenly came out and began requesting help. They’d try to solve it themselves when all I want is to talk to someone else, someone outside, like a therapist. But after that I don’t know what would happen
you take care too

clevername 7/31/2013 - 9:46 pm

At the risk of undermining the good advice above, i just want to say:

These are Texans we’re talking about, here. Drake’s assumptions might be less assumptive and more evidence-based than you think.

Not saying you’re wrong, just that “good advice” might lead him into a situation that’s more difficult than he’s prepared to handle.

If you don’t try, you can’t succeed. If you don’t play, you can’t win. If you don’t ask, the answer is always “no.”

Don’t assume you will certainly be rejected, denied, or demonized… but likewise, don’t be so sure you won’t. Don’t go in expecting to win, and don’t defeat yourself before you even begin. You have to prepare for both outcomes, and then decide to face your fear and confront the issue, or it will never resolve.

And Catelan is right, in that you can certainly modify your thinking and behavior, to increase your chances of success, in most things.

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