This is my second post. today hadn’t been that good. I’ve been floating in and out of sadness and depression. I’ve begun considering going to see a psychiatrist for my problems; hopefully they’ll be able to answer some of my questions because… I don’t understand this…
Each night I go to sleep, hoping I won’t wake up. During the night I wake and watch the shadows drift around me and beg God to never let it end, to just let those shadows stay forever and take me away into the darkness. Then when the sun rises I’m still breathing and I curse my own being. Getting up is the hardest thing; I can’t bear to face yet another day… As the hours pass I occupy myself with fantasies of my own death, each one more wild and gruesome. In between them I beg God to put a bullet into my head. Then as the evening winds down I sit and just stare sometimes, wondering “Why?” “Why do I continue to live? Why can’t God do the very thing to me that hundreds of thousands of people resist? Losing life.” I ask for it… and yet never get it. Is my existence tied to something that I have to be alive for? Am I meant to do something? If not then I am totally meaningless… I just don’t understand…
4 comments
“Ask, and ye shall await an answer.”
it’s useless praying to god for anything. if we want to go we have to find a way of doing it on our own. isn’t going to be any divine intervention. we can’t even count how many people and animals out there on this planet are begging to die at any given time. and yet no release comes. unless we do violence to ourselves we are trapped here. think of those people burning to death on 9/11. I am sure they wanted to die rather than have to throw themselves out of windows. but god did not help them and they did need to jump.
Unfortunately, I think if you want anything in life you have to get it yourself. It may seem like everyone else has everything handed to them, some do. Now motivating yourself to actually do something about it? That I think is much more difficult. That’s the situation I’m in. I think I am too lazy to actually do anything about the way I feel.
Good luck. You’re not alone.
Someone once told me that life being meaningless is a relief more than anything, because not being tied to a higher purpose means you’re free to find and do what *you* want. I don’t know if that helps you at all, but I found it very cheering at the time. Is there anything you’d like to do if you couldn’t die, just because?