Has anyone ever kept years worth of emotion bottled up to the point where you’re afraid to release it anymore? to the point that you feel every ounce of rage you can muster suddenly flare whenever the slightest thing irritates you?
This is my third post. It’s been a couple weeks since my last and I’ve gotten a bit better; my first two posts would’ve persuaded any psychiatrist I was ready and willing to commit suicide. I’ve gotten better. Things have started looking up a bit. But that pain still lingers. And with it, an anger I can’t even begin to describe. All my life I’ve striven to maintain control over my anger. When I was little I would watch my Dad blow up, my mom too, and just try to cover my ears and tell myself, “it’ll be over soon, it’ll be over soon…” I knew I didn’t want to be like that. I’m a Cancer (for anyone out there that follows the Zodiac you’ll better understand) so my emotions are naturally pretty volatile. It’s taken a lot of effort to contain them.
Now I feel like I can barely maintain control. I’ve passed the point where I’m afraid what may happen if I release it again. Back when I was in seventh grade I cut loose on a guy in my class who had been practically bullying me for three months prior. IÂ was tired, sick, and in a bad mood overall. He just chose the wrong moment. It didn’t go far at all, the teacher stopped me and I regained my senses before I could do any damage, but still it showed me just how much I had held in. That was years ago, and I still bottle things up… I mean yeah I felt better, but I couldn’t believe how I’d just let myself go… my depression doesn’t help at all, it just erodes my barriers and provides holes for it to escape through. I’ll have days where I feel like I’m about to tear through a wall just to vent and others where I can’t be in the same room with someone who for some reason or another has gotten on my bad side.
I don’t let anyone see it though. I put on a smile and act like nothing’s wrong. Doing that just hurts though. I imagine a day when I can finally find a girl that can soothe all that pain. The pain never ends… I just want peace…
If you want to better understand this, see my earlier posts- “Admitting it and hoping someone is listening”, “What IS the point?”
**DISCLAIMER** I’m not a Zodiac follower or anything, I’ve just read up on it and find it interesting from a philosophical standpoint
2 comments
I’m a Cancer too (and pretty much the epitome of a female Cancer IE crying over everything, mood swings from hell, then you get overly maternal instincts…)
But I feel you. Things from the past can really influence us in the future.
If you don’t let the emotions out, it’s only going to get worse. I’ve never had an issue with anger, only depression and the teary eyed version of it, but breaking glass at one point was a great way for me to cope. An old busted window. Just smash the ************ to bits and walk away. Write down what’s bothering you on a sheet of paper and set the ***** on fire.
I don’t have many friends (who am I kidding. I have no friends). The pain is going to be there no matter what. It’s like a wound that never goes away and never quite heals all the way. But there are ways to ignore it and hope for the best.
But never bottle things up… It only hurts yourself and the people around you (but I’m sure you’ve heard that plenty times before…)
Just be safe, and I’m glad to hear things are looking up for you… I hope the Universe keeps that up and things get absolutely, positively amazing for you.
Hey renegade,
Thanks for the comment, it helps to hear from someone that understands. It’s rare I that I do. I don’t like to bottle things up anymore; like I said, it hurts these days, like a REALLY shaken can that still gets rattled around. If there was an old pane of glass here, I’d blast it to hell and back; hell, I’d blow out a thousand windows if I could. Buuuut, no old windows around… I do write to help vent and it does ease the pain a bit, so I’m grateful for that.
You sound like someone that gets all this. I’m glad you commented. IDK if my email shows up on the post but here it is: tortugala@live.com
You seem pretty cool. If you want to talk or anything, I like to listen. And it would feel good to talk to someone that understands, and that I don’t have to explain every reason why to.