I feel tired. And emotionless. If I can’t feel joy, fine, I’ll choose pain as a close second. Most times I have to smoke or drink in order to feel that pain. It’s almost cathartic.
I go about my days wondering why the fuck I’m still here. The way I think, the way I do things just never seem to match up with how the world works. My personality isn’t exactly the most pleasant which holds me back in almost everything, including job opportunities and relationships. It scares me. I’m not doing anything, not contributing anything… not enjoying any part of this fucked up sedentary lifestyle. Let’s be honest, even from an unbiased and pragmatic point of view, there’s just no fucking point in me even existing.
I’ve a ***** when it comes to everything. When I think about having to cross that bridge of physical pain in order to reach death, I know that I would never be able to muster up the courage. So I feel trapped, without options.
I wish I could more articulately express how exactly I’m feeling but I can’t even be thorough with this entry because my mind is such a shitty blank slate right now. I’m basically just fucking angry but it’s such a deeply embedded and almost latent anger that I don’t even know how to let it out. FUCK