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suicide is my unattainable fantasy.

by emwhy

I feel tired. And emotionless. If I can’t feel joy, fine, I’ll choose pain as a close second. Most times I have to smoke or drink in order to feel that pain. It’s almost cathartic.

I go about my days wondering why the fuck I’m still here. The way I think, the way I do things just never seem to match up with how the world works. My personality isn’t exactly the most pleasant which holds me back in almost everything, including job opportunities and relationships. It scares me. I’m not doing anything, not contributing anything… not enjoying any part of this fucked up sedentary lifestyle. Let’s be honest, even from an unbiased and pragmatic point of view, there’s just no fucking point in me even existing.

 

I’ve a ***** when it comes to everything. When I think about having to cross that bridge of physical pain in order to reach death, I know that I would never be able to muster up the courage. So I feel trapped, without options.

I wish I could more articulately express how exactly I’m feeling but I can’t even be thorough with this entry because my mind is such a shitty blank slate right now. I’m basically just fucking angry but it’s such a deeply embedded and almost latent anger that I don’t even know how to let it out. FUCK

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3 comments

snuffles 9/28/2014 - 12:27 am

Remind me to comment on this tomorrow, i’m to messed up to give any sort of good advice right now.

emwhy 9/28/2014 - 12:51 am

thanks but i suppose i wasn’t really looking for advice anyway. just needed to say something

secondlife 9/28/2014 - 3:14 am

That ‘bridge’ you mentioned is probably the major reason why those of us who wish we were dead are still here. When we no longer fear death or the risk of trying to get there-then we will take that leap. Otherwise we’ll continue to lament our existence-until something finally pushes us over the edge.

About 6 years ago I was in a very bad place in my life, speaking very literally and it was probably a sensible time to have ended it but it would’ve been ‘too soon’ and I would’ve left on a very bad note because my situation was so dire and I didn’t want to be remembered by those near me for how fucked up I was before I went.

So I struggled mightily against my terrible circumstances at the time, overcame them, healed a number of my relationships that had been strained to the breaking point and now things are ‘peaceful’ for me. So if I left now, it’d be a more sensible death-since I could leave on good terms and with my dignity mostly intact. The only thing holding me back is a few people I care about, otherwise the choice to end my life would’ve been easier.

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