eternallyconfused

My entire post was deleted. Was that a sign from god? Who is he? Does he know me?
I’m killing me. and no one cares now that I’m no longer a teen. I wear black jeans and everything is fine. It’s fine cuz I ain’t dead yet. I sure am trying. I don’t care enough to0 stop. 6 binges/purges in one day? Who am I kidding. Somebody would’ve noticed by now if anyone cared. I’m not that fucking great of a liar, am i?
Whatever. whateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhatever it doesn’t matter because I’m not DOING IT AS QUICKLY AS YOU! Just wait until I get back down […]

Did my innocence ever exist? Who knows, and nobody cares. I’ve been fucked up for so long. It mattered once,
When I was a teenager, prople worried
Wondered why I was constantly bleeding.
But my mom just saw the most recent marks of self-hate I’ve made. And she didn’t care. She pointed and said, “stop it.” Okay, sure, I’ll get right on that. If nobody else cares, if nobody else is worried, why should I be?
I’ve been keeping a great weight losing regimen of not eating, excersicing, then puking myself thin.
It doesn’t matter, my heart’s still beating. Idon’t need love, I hate […]

What keeps you from giving up?

What are your reasons for still being here,

For tolerating another day filled with

Old memories and a single heartbeat?

I wonder,

Does God tuck you in at night?

I see you walking by smiling,

To yourself it would seem, but

When asked why you’re ready

With a heartfelt truth spoken steadily,

And I wonder,

Why is it that I’m stuck in limbo while

You frollick on the greener side,

What’s so different about you and I

That allows you to trust blindly

While I simply walk around blind?

So I wonder..

Well, here’s this stupid empty box that I’m supposed to fill with my stupid empty words. Why do we keep trying? I don’t mean the living thing. I know why I’m trying to stay alive. We’ve all got our own extremely similiar reasons, now don’t we?

What I meant was, why do I keep trying to connect? I’m good on the suicide thing. Maybe if another person that I think of as a mother commits suicide or somebody else that I love breaks my heart then I would probably be in danger of committing suicide. Again. Since that’s not the case, then why am I still […]

I’m tripping up again, messing everything up. I’m doing it on purpose, or at least that’s what it looks like to everybody else. Looks like I don’t care, like I don’t have any ambition, or motivation. The thing is, I don’t think I do. Sure, I could say my alcoholism is keeping me in this self-destructive rut, and it would be partly true. It’s definitely not helping to get drunk every single night, but honestly I think I just don’t give a fuck. I haven’t for a long time.

I have a plan, but I practically refuse to put it into action. I started GED classes, […]

Comforting myself with the illusion

That I could ever make a difference.

Trying to write myself a lullaby of

Self-proclaimed self-importance.

Fuck it.

You know those songs that you listen to when you’re kinda feeling nostalgic and slightly depressed, the kind that leave you wanting something deep in your heart? Well tonight is one of those nights where I replay all of those sweetly sad songs over and over. I’m pretty sure it’s a sort of emotional masochism, but whatever. We all have  those days where a little self-indulgent dwelling is the only thing to do.

I do miss him you know, pretty much all the time, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll never stop loving him. Lately I’ve been trying to turn that into a not-so-bad thing though. I’m […]

Dreaming of the desert,
An empty wasteland
Filled with hope and sand.
Vast and unchanging,
Beautiful and ignorant
Of influences or negotiation,
The way I want to be.
Space waiting for me
To fill it with my screams
Of lonely silence,
And my fulfilled dreams
Of peace without violence
Towards myself.
I imagine sunrises
Without a hangover,
And sunsets so beautiful
Giving way to a night sky
Filled with stars,
And holding not a drop
Of my usual anxious dread
That tonight is the end
In the most concrete way,
A terrible day dream
I wish I wouldn’t have.
Will the endless rolling sand
Cure […]

“And all the time that we walked barefoot in the sand somehow we never felt the rain.. I could walk off the hurt, run through the pain, wipe all the tears pouring down my face. Deny the dream that just never was. I just can’t walk off the buzz..” -Blessid Union of Souls

Well, it’s been nearly a year since the ‘big break up.’ I’m almost scared to believe it but, I think things are getting better. I think I’m getting better. I don’t constantly obsess over what could’ve been done differently anymore, and I’ve started feeling happy more often than I feel depressed. It could […]

You can’t really help anyone who doesn’t want to be helped. The thing is, everybody wants to be helped, even if they tell themselves and everyone else differently.
I’m not exactly the poster child for accepting help, God knows I can be pretty stubborn when I make a decision, even if that decision is a really bad idea, hell, especially if it’s a bad idea.
I’ve made so many bad decisions, and I’ve messed up so many opportunities. I’ve felt completely alone, and utterly defeated. I’ve hurt myself pretty badly just to deal with the pain and self-hatred, and I’ve given up on life a […]

Is anyone there?
Hollow words sent out into
A black void, it’s ok
Since I’m probably a hack, anyway.
Or nothing, those words
Carry the same meaning for me.
I was thinking, and I realized
That I can’t be lost in translation
Since I’ve never had a translator,
So where am I lost at then?
It could be my own mind,
This shadow filled place where I hide.
Or quite possibly, my heart
Where most feelings swirl around
With the insanity and destructive determination
Of a fire based hurricane,
While at the same time
Clawing out my very own inner-grave.
As logical as those answers […]

Just some of my poetry

“‘What a waste of time,’ the thought crossed my mind, but I never missed a beat.. I once had a grip on everything, it feels better to let go.. I’m not over, I’m not over you just yet. Can not hide it, you’re not that easy to forget..”
-Carolina Liar

You’re not. Easy to forget that is. I mean christ, I planned my entire happy fucking future with you in every single moment.
I’m still going to write, and I’ll still move to Arizona. I’ll still go to college, and I’ll still travel to every single place I can think of in the world. Now though, […]

So, here I am, again. Drinking beer, alone, surfing the internet to try and find something to keep my mind occupied. I would say that I’m lost but I know exactly where I am, and I know exactly how to get out of this place. So why don’t I? Why can’t I?
I could just leave, well.. if I had a job. Although nobody wants to hire a highschool dropout who hasn’t wuite gotten her GED.
So I’m stuck until I get off of my lazy ass. All of this crap I’m feeling right now is my own fault.
I want him more than anything. […]

I am so sick of caring. Beyond tired by this messed up life. I try and all i get is shit, I stop trying and I get even more shit. Fall in love, finally feel happy, think everything is going to be ok, and get your heart ripped out.
I don’t know what to do about myself anymore, I used to think if I could just get out of this city, travel the world, write a book, do all of those things that I’ve always wanted to do that used to mean something to me, then it would get better. I’d start to feel right, […]