My entire post was deleted. Was that a sign from god? Who is he? Does he know me?
I’m killing me. and no one cares now that I’m no longer a teen. I wear black jeans and everything is fine. It’s fine cuz I ain’t dead yet. I sure am trying. I don’t care enough to0 stop. 6 binges/purges in one day? Who am I kidding. Somebody would’ve noticed by now if anyone cared. I’m not that fucking great of a liar, am i?
Whatever. whateverwhateverwhateverwhateverwhatever it doesn’t matter because I’m not DOING IT AS QUICKLY AS YOU! Just wait until I get back down to 95 lbs again. Jjust see what happens then. Can’t wait to have a heart attack at the age of twenty. Because who cares. I sure as fuck don’t. Obviously.
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That is the point though isn’t it? No one cares unless they have something to gain. It seems your only worth something in this world when you have something to give. The most pain is felt when you are a teenager because all the sugar coating of the world is worn off and the harshness is exposed. We lash out in anger for this is not the loving world we are showed it is all a farce. Things like “You are beautiful no matter what” “Everyone gets included because it’s fair” none of these things are true. Not in this world but I believe there is a place where things are beautiful indescriminatly and everyone is equally loved, and love and joy are able to be recieved by all there is no numbness. I believe this is where we all come from and that when we experience the difficulty of this world we wish to go back. Other people that are so-called happy are just lying to themselves pretending to be happy trying to make themselves happy. They are trying to make happiness by lying to themselves or otherwise falsely believing other people are happy and trying to live off that. But the truth is this world is hell and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can let go and not be afraid of death. When you truely except death your body does it for you or you spiritually awaken and move between the plains. Why be skinny or fat does it really matter no nothing matters. When you get to a point where you are not afraid of hell, of soul destruction, of physical destruction when you understand, true happiness comes. Do not worry, do not anger, do not be afraid you have the power to command your life your will and your love is valuable and no one has to deem it so. You are worthy believe this and not even the gods can harm you.
I don’t want to be skinny. I want to be invisible. I want to not exist. I want to be another person. Skinny is just the best I can do. Death does scare me, because I haven’t done anything. Then again I don’t think i ever will because I am nothing. I’ve figured it out I think. I am sidekick. A walk in. My existence is important in the way that I fill up the background of the screen/world. I add detail. Vague, worthless, unnoticeable detail. Detail none the less. This is my worth. I’m filler. Needed, but only just. Not enough for me. I’m selfish. I feel like I deserve something. Love maybe. A conversation, in person with a nonstranger would be cool. I ask too much and too often. Or asked, I should say. Can’t concentrate, gotta get off the comp. Uh, thank you also for your amazing support of a total stranger. It’s kind of nice.
Mostly people don´t really see what is infront of them. When you are a teenager they see even less than they used to, because teenagers are known to overeact. Sometimes it is so, but it is not always that way. They just don´t to admit that might have done something wrong. So they act like they don´t see anything wrong with someone, because they are afraid to accept that someone isn´t doing that well. They lie to everyone.
You shouldn´t destroy yourself because nobody cares, because they might care more than you could ever understand. They are just so afraid to see it. To see that someone they love is hurting.
I believe that someday it eill be okay, because life just can´t only suffering. Don´t give up. Life has it´s beauty, but if you let your hurt consume you. Then you miss the great things about it.
I know I might sound like a total moron to you. Maybe I even am. But in some ways all humans are stupid. We let our emotions take our life. We feel hurt and than we start to think that nobody cares about us. Sometimes it is true, but maybe somewhere in this bg world is somebody who loves us. Isn´t it worth fighting for. Even if there isn´t you have to hope there is , because we aren´t meant to suffer so much without feeling happiness for once.
You absolutely do not sound like a moron redwine. Hope is an incredible thing. I have been okay before, and it’s worth it. I’m just too weak now after everything that’s happened. Thank you.
wow. is that possible? I feel pretty dumb now and I went to paramedic school to learn ways to die. wouldn’t the the stomach retain small ammounts of some kind of food before you starve to death? are you using ipicak? what do you do about the acid build up and ulcers and shit? you’re probly used to all that by now but still.
I’m really impressed anyway and think you’re a badass for even coming up with that idea even if it doesn’t work. I think the only thing perhaps more painful than death by ulcers would be breaking your teeth out with an icepick until you go into cardiac failure from blood loss. you’ve inspired me, I’m going to go dust off my old EMT book and see if you’re onto something.. guess I never seriously considered bulimia as a way to go.
thanks so much wickedgroovy, giving you ideas wasn’t really my point. I wouldn’t recommend bulimia btw. Actually I wouldn’t recommend anything, I’m sure everyone has a reason or two to live. P.s. I don’t think the stomach ulcers are doing it. And yes, my stomach does retain way too much food when I puke. Way too much. Hence the exercise. The constant drinking, combined with puking if I eat, combined with days of starvation, combined with…………. shit, idk, any drugs, aspirin, xanax, vicodin, coke etc. will probably help it along though. Of course the alcohol has a wicked amount of calories in it so more exercise. Thank god for 24 hour apt gyms right? Got to love treadmills. Nothing quite burns the calories off like a 2 hour jog. I really don’t know why I’m here still. Weak willed is the only explanation. I just decided to take another 200 cals off of my daily RMR. Might help.
Also I guess I do care. I guess it’s just not enough. Guess I just figured it would be nice if another person did the caring for me. For once. Oh, I’m spoiled, moping, little(I wish) *****, dunno if I mentioned that. Probably factors somewhere into my constant need.
i care and i dont even know u alright?!!!!!!!!!!!! but thats kinda how i am. i dont care what uve done or where u been dont give up okay? out live ur life.