“My body aches when…”

“.. I ain’t with you.”

I won’t ever be okay, will I? I can’t ever go back. Can I? No.

It’s been so, so long. I will never get better, I will never stop loathing my very existence. I will never stop puking. I will never stop feeling permanently hunched over. I will never stop cutting. I will never stop drinking every day.  I will never be fucking human.

It’s not pain, this thing inside me. It’s evil. I am pure evil. I’m not necessarily a bad person, I’m too worthless to have that sort of impact on the world. To me, that is evil. Being in this place, having the opportunities I’ve had, knowing how hard things are for the people I love, and doing shit about it. I worry about myself too much to help anyone else.

I’m 100% focused on my own self hate. I am nothing but utter rage, towards myself. I am spoiled, I am selfish, I am greedy. I am forever unsatisfied, always wanting more.

If I’m never going to get better from these twenty some vices I have let myself become, then why in the fuck should I stick around? Why would I wait until I die of old age?

Just becase of my family. I’d rather be horrible, rotten, alive trash than be another Aunt Patt. Nobody includes me in their lives but at least I’m technically alive. I can do anything to myself. Seriously, anything. It’s sad what I get away with really, or at least it would be sad if someone cared.

But that’s selfish too. They all have lives of their own. So what if they aren’t cutters, or bullimic, or clynically depressed, or alcoholics, their lives must be hard too.

I have one question that I can’t get out of my head though. I’ve noticed that when other members of my family are sick, they get taken care of, doted upon, taken to a hospital even. So, why hasn’t anyone tried to take care of me? If anyone else threw up as much as I do for as long as I have, they would’ve been forced to see a doctor (even though we’ve always been broke/in debt). It’s just what we do (or what they do, anyway). So, why has nobody ever even once taken me to a doctor?

They used to be so mad at me for doing these things to myself, for being like this (used to be, years ago) . They’d throw Aunt Patts suicide in my face like crazy because of it. How dare I want to die, she already did. One suicide in the family is enough. Grow up, you. That is all. But they never took me to a hospital. Sick is sick, isn’t it? I used to think so.

Why shouldn’t I feel as if I don’t count, when I really don’t count?

I am a projection. An image of a family member. The one you facebook once a year. Send a happy birthday text two every few years. I don’t actually exist, I’m just not allowed to put myself out of my fake, worthless misery because then the image would go away. Every movie needs its walk ins. Every story needs it’s meaningless, one dimensional minor characters. Fucked up that that’s true in life too.

I don’t want to live for eighty years as an extra. I’m only nearly tweny one now. How long can this shit drag on for? Fuck me…………………………………………………………… (kill me)………..

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And I’m always wanting him.. How can nothing love someone so much for so long? People have been saying I’ll get over him for years now. Every year I try to believe them. I swear to God if another person tried to tell me it just takes time (I say tried because I don’t talk about things anymore. No one ever listened anyway. Which is something I didn’t realize until I mentioned the same, exact thing another fifty times and they kept thinking it was the first time they heard it. People are good fakers) I was gunna punch their stupid mouths into their empty skulls.

FUCK THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE ALIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. This is what fucking condoms are for ya jerks. Jerk? Whatever, doesn’t matter. This post is gunna get read by maybe 2-3 people and get friendly, hopeful advice, plus the one comment saying ‘go for it!’ and that’s it. I can pour my heart out online, on the verge of death (always), begging for some real compassion because I’m so pathetic that I just need to get some comfort from SOMEwhere, and not one person is going to remember this within 24 hours. Gotta love the internet.

-stationarynomad