Author

xx

Work.

by xx 4/1/2016

written by xx

I’m trying to work from home today. I asked for the rest of the week off on Tuesday because I just can’t deal with the office environment right now.

I’m doing my work, but it’s so difficult. My confidence in my abilities is at about a -724 right now, and it doesn’t help that what I need to finish today are lyrics, and I’m so bad at those. They’re so vague… and if they’re not good enough, they won’t be approved by the licencors, and i’ll have to redo them. Which I guess is fine since they point out what they think you should change, but […]

4/1/2016 2 comments

I’m just trying to calm myself.

by xx 3/31/2016

written by xx

I can’t stop crying and I can’t sleep.

Strangely, I’m scared that I may have a panic attack. I read somewhere about the low-grade ones where your heart races and you’re scared and your mind turns blank… but now I can’t seem to find information about this.

I’m at such a loss. I don’t know what to do. I feel so scared.

I took a lot of sleep aids again tonight, even though I told myself I wouldn’t. I can’t stop hurting myself.

I think this is probably withdrawal, but looking at the way things have been going so far this year, I’m almost positive that these pills aren’t […]

3/31/2016 5 comments

Self-destruction.

by xx 3/30/2016

written by xx

I took too many sleeping aids last night, so this morning I feel kind of awful.

Apparently, sleeping aids do strange things to anxiety.

I’m waiting for a therapist to call me back so we can discuss if we’d be a good match.

I’m so tired. And so scared. And so sad.

I want to treat myself to some good Tex-Mex, because it sounds very comforting right now and I want to eat queso and quesadillas. I don’t think I can drive in this state, though. I shouldn’t risk it.

Does anyone else feel like they are programmed to self-destruct?

3/30/2016 7 comments

Lifeline.

by xx 3/29/2016

written by xx

I tried to contact one of those chatlines, because I needed to call someone from the Alzheimer’s organization to figure out how to deal with my dad, but I was 4th in the waiting line.

So I decided to check my work email to pass the time, since I worked from home today.

I had an email from one of my managers, because I have a project that is over a month late.

I think I may lose my job soon if I can’t get it together. I don’t want to lose my job.

I love my job, and I worked hard for it, but even love of my […]

3/29/2016 6 comments

Hahaha.

by xx 3/28/2016

written by xx

I hadn’t intended to write something funny, but I felt so pathetic I felt ridiculous… and I had to laugh at myself.

Chain of events, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. So my doctor…never mind. Just know that I was so frustrated I started getting dizzy at work and had to hold back tears but that was really okay since I was just about to leave the office, and my friend suggested a psychiatrist. I was so RAARRRR I said it’d probably be the same… and he told me it wouldn’t. So I listened to music on the ~1h drive back […]

3/28/2016 2 comments

Stomach.

by xx 3/26/2016

written by xx

I was trying to compose something nice in my head to post, but I just need to vent without trying to be all verbose and purple prose-y. I’m sorry guys (though I’m sure no one minds not reading my bullshit).

I am in so much pain. My stomach really hurts. It was really mild until about 20 minutes ago, when I started to think about trying to sleep. I didn’t eat anything super bad today, and the last thing I ate were woven wheat backed crackers, in an effort to calm my stomach, because drinking something milky or eating plain salty crackers usually helps.

I am running out […]

3/26/2016 5 comments

Love.

by xx 3/23/2016

written by xx

I’ve never been in love, and I’m not very loved, and I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love.

I’d really like to, one day. But I don’t know if I’m capable. I don’t think I’m capable. I don’t expect it, and I have no hope for it in my life.

Nevertheless, I still think about love, a lot, even though I probably can’t love, and I can’t be loved.

This is a very well-known poem, but every once in a while, when I feel breakable and like I really want to be held, even just to pretend that that is what love feels like, it pops into […]

3/23/2016 11 comments

Nighttime.

by xx 3/22/2016

written by xx

Hi everyone.

Why is nighttime so much more difficult than during the day? Is it punishment, for powering through and doing your best and suppression and smiling during the day?

I thought I was doing and feeling a bit better, at least; Sunday evening on the way home from the office, I felt like crying, but then I pulled onto the highway and halfway home I felt this strange…euphoria? type of feeling, and I felt like everything was going to be okay! I felt I had finally accepted my lot in life, that I would not make enough to have independence, I would not have an employer […]

3/22/2016 8 comments

Good Morning, Heartache

by xx 3/17/2016

written by xx

For the past 6 or 7 months, I’ve been waking up from bad dreams with a pain and sadness in my chest.

On occasion, I’m even lucky enough to be jolted awake by sobs.

I used to rarely remember my dreams, but now they all feel very real. Sometimes I can’t even tell what was a dream and what wasn’t, so I have to ask my mom if an event actually happened, just to be sure.

Most of the dreams I remember nowadays are very upsetting. Last night, I dreamed I was chatting with an old friend from uni, and we were having a great time, but slowly […]

3/17/2016 21 comments

I’m new.

by xx 3/16/2016

written by xx

Hi everyone,

I used to visit this site frequently years ago, but I was content to just read everyone’s struggles and think of them and relate… but since then just reading has become insufficient.

But I don’t want to tell my life story or make a long post, because I talk too much lately and I also just took my sleeping pill, so I would like to end this post coherently hahaha.

I’ll just say that I’ve been depressed since I was a child, and I noticed how different I was from everyone else, and after being abused and molested by 3 separate “friends,” at three separate points in my […]

3/16/2016 54 comments