I was trying to compose something nice in my head to post, but I just need to vent without trying to be all verbose and purple prose-y. I’m sorry guys (though I’m sure no one minds not reading my bullshit).
I am in so much pain. My stomach really hurts. It was really mild until about 20 minutes ago, when I started to think about trying to sleep. I didn’t eat anything super bad today, and the last thing I ate were woven wheat backed crackers, in an effort to calm my stomach, because drinking something milky or eating plain salty crackers usually helps.
I am running out of ambien, so I was trying to make my 3 remaining pills last until at least Wednesday, but I really didn’t see myself sleeping without this pain easing up, and it doesn’t seem like it’ll ease up anyways… I’m too tired to not sleep because of some stomach pain.
It’s gotten so much worse these past 2 weeks. I had the same problem a year ago when I moved from Tokyo back to the US, but a drug store attendant helped my find some herbal medicine, and it worked, thankfully. I’m not sure why that happened back then, but I suppose it was because of the stress I was going under having to tie up loose ends, pay (almost) everything I owed to the city, file taxes, and see everyone I wanted to see before I left. But the pain now is the same as it was last year.
The medicine worked really well, and I still have a lot left, so I just took some in hopes that it will help this time too.
When I think about why my stomach hurts, the only thing I could come up with is stress. That doesn’t make much sense, since today I finished a project completely so my workload has lessened up a bit, so I have more freedom to work on my two late projects. It may be that someone messaged my brother on Facebook asking if I was okay, because they saw I deactivated my facebook and twitter. (I told him to tell her I’m fine.)
I really appreciate her. She’s my old uni friend I haven’t seen in years (I think since 2012?), and even though she lives so far away from me in Osaka, she still noticed and cared. Or maybe someone else asked her to ask someone… in any case, I appreciate that. But she’s the last person that should be asking about me, because she’s always been nothing but nice and supportive, as I’ve tried to be with her.
…I guess I’m also feeling stress because I’m in a lot of pain, and I can’t find many resources about Depression and Anxiety that progresses TO physical pain. I mostly find resources about Depression and Anxiety that is brought about BY physical pain.
And because I will go to my doctor ASAP, even though I feel like he doesn’t really believe me.
Also, because while I’m grateful to my friend that asked about me even though she’s on the other side of the planet, it made me feel like I have to BEG for someone to care about me. I decided I would stop doing that. I’m trying to learn to care for myself now. But… I’m just thinking it would be nice if I could be cared about without having to ask them to. But I also understand, because people are also busy with their own lives and work and everything. I just mostly wish I were someone’s number one.
Also, because I was thinking about how I don’t know if I’ll wait out for 6 or 7 more years to go through with my plan. I’m starting to think that I probably won’t make it more than another 3 or 4 years.
Also, I’m really scared about my parents and their situations. My dad has dementia, and it’s so much harder on me than I thought it would be before I came back. I’d almost give anything to be in my own place just to get some peace, but I don’t make enough despite all of my experience and I know my parents need me, so I want to be there. My mom seems like she’s starting to show some symptoms of her age (60, even though I still think that’s young). But I don’t know… I need to research or something.
Also, I tried to contact a therapist here, but her replies to my email (because I’m afraid of having to say why I am seeking an appointment because maybe I won’t be able to say it out loud), and call me sensitive, but her emails seemed really lacking concern. I felt really put off… and I stopped caring. I was so used to the kindness towards pretty much every email I sent to my Tokyo therapist, that… I kind of feel like if the therapist isn’t kind and mindful in doing literally EVERYTHING, it won’t be a good fit. I don’t know. I’m also tired of repeating my story to so many therapists over the years.
I think I’d like to say more, but my pill is kicking in, and I had already taken ~6 sleeping pills beforehand, so it’s hitting me pretty hard right now.
But if I die tonight, I will be fine. I don’t care. I’m in pain and I’m exhausted and sad and no one believes me and I don’t care if I die tonight. I hope I do.
Maybe this is what I have to do to make people really believe me.
I’m just tired and in pain and I don’t care, especially if no one else does.
Have a good night, guys. Stay safe and warm.
5 comments
What are the herbs you take for your stomach? I’ve been sick for a few days and my normal routine isn’t helping well.
Hi, thanks for your reply.
Here are the ingredients in the medicine I used: Root extract, powdered cinnamon bark, gentian, licorice, swertia japonica, clove, fennel, biodastase, prozyme, lipase
and there’s stuff like sodium and magnesium bicarbonate…etc.
It was extremely helpful the first time I took it. Since it’s a powder and you drink it down with water it was effective really quickly. Every time afterward, though, it hasn’t been as effective, but it still works for me.
If you can, maybe you can give that a try? There are many types, but you can search “Japanese Kampo stomach medicine” and take your pick.
If you don’t already and you’re not opposed to tea, I also find drinking oolong tea (either hot or cold, though I think hot works better for my stomach) after every meal helps with digestion and settling the stomach. You can also try ginger tea (I think the stronger the better) and honey.
Hope this helps and you can find something to help your stomach. Feel better soon.
Stomach pain sucks, I’ve dealt with it on and off for 14 years now and stress is almost certainly a major contributor. Do you notice it getting worse right after a meal or if you haven’t eaten in a while? Or is it just constant throughout the day?
Hi, I appreciate the reply 🙂
It rarely gets worse after a meal, it usually stays pretty consistent. If I don’t eat in awhile, it will still hurt, but on top of that I have hunger pains, though the other pain makes the hunger pains more dull for some reason. Sometimes it’s there from when I wake up until I go to bed, sometimes I feel fine in the morning, then afternoon or evening comes and it strikes. I try to drink tea to help me calm down or settle my stomach but it only helps sometimes.
What have you found that helps with your stomach?
For me, avoiding wheat has made a huge difference. I avoid greasy or really rich food as well. Also taking Sucralfate before meals. Ever since I stopped eating wheat 2 years ago, I haven’t had any consistent stomach pain, just infrequent pain that usually only lasts a few hours.