I’m new.

Hi everyone,

I used to visit this site frequently years ago, but I was content to just read everyone’s struggles and think of them and relate… but since then just reading has become insufficient.

But I don’t want to tell my life story or make a long post, because I talk too much lately and I also just took my sleeping pill, so I would like to end this post coherently hahaha.

I’ll just say that I’ve been depressed since I was a child, and I noticed how different I was from everyone else, and after being abused and molested by 3 separate “friends,” at three separate points in my childhood… and they didn’t even know each other. ugh. Anyways, I was intensely shy especially with adults, and had an inferiority complex and thought I was ugly and stupid and unlikable.  In junior high I was so depressed I stopped eating, and in high school, I started cutting, and I didn’t stop completely until well into college. The thing is… no one really helped me. They would talk to me, tell me it’s bad, and that they don’t understand why or that I needed to stop… but they never did anything to really help me.  All I did was find new places. I don’t know what I wanted them to do, but… all I know is that it didn’t happen. So I’m not expecting that at all anymore, at 30 (and a half!) years old.

I don’t expect to have a decent job where I can support myself, I don’t expect to get married, I don’t expect to have children…hell, I don’t even expect my friends to stick around me much longer. I’m not sure if I push them away or if they just leave when they decide they have enough, but I don’t expect them to stick with me forever. I don’t expect loyalty anymore.

Anyways, my whole point of registering and making a post here was to talk about my plan. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it, since I stopped visiting Facebook so often and I don’t really have friends to talk to anymore.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot; rolling it around in my brain to see if it gathers any moss, etc. It’s gathering moss. It’s all coming together, so I’m thinking this is quite possibly the perfect plan. Everything for the past 10 or so months just kept getting worse and worse…. but the thing is, I had a taste of content and freedom, even though I was almost completely broke and starving and working 6 days a week in a foreign country, but I felt free. I felt like if I could just figure a way to squeeze a bit more out of everything, I could make it work so that I could be independent and have a decent life, even as an unmarried, unattractive woman in a foreign country.  But my parents (my mom, actually) was too important to me…and I guess I needed a change again, after 4 years in that country. My mom was diagnosed, aggressively treated, and recovering from breast cancer, and my dad’s dementia slowly and steadily getting worse… I knew I should come home. Living so far away and making so little money, I couldn’t help my parents at all, even monetarily. And with my both of my brothers married with their own families and work issues to deal with… I think I was the only possible choice. Sure, I could have stayed, and my mother would probably have supported me in that decision, but… I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave my parents to themselves, when I’m struggling so hard, and I can’t go see them and make sure everything is doing okay all the time…  Ugh.

Well, regardless, I’m here now. And I hate where I live (southern US). Horrible place. I want to leave, but my whole immediate family is here, and I can’t leave my parents. Not right now anyways.

Ack, I got distracted. I just wanted to share my plan. I wrote it in my journal, but I want other people to see it too. I don’t want to keep it to myself… but I feel those around me won’t even take me seriously…. sigh.

But here is my plan:

~~So I’m 30. I haven’t had a boyfriend for 11 years now. No one has been interested in me besides just wanting to hookup and kick me out in all those 11 years. Which I would be fine with, except… I want to get married.  And I’d also like us to have a baby.

~~I don’t think I’ll be able to find anyone who is out of his mind enough to want to marry me, so as I was saying before, I’m not going to expect it.

So instead what I’ll do, is I’ll get one of those men that are so eager to breed a female desperate for a baby, just get them pregnant and then never contact again. I don’t know why, but there seem to be a whoooole lot on craigslist.  I’ll get one man. Or even 5 or 8. The scarier, the better, help me relive my assault nightmares so I’m even more convinced that what I’m doing is the right thing.

–I would cut contact with the man/men, and wait until I am confirmed pregnant. In the meantime, I would be finding isolated places to go; beautiful places maybe in the early winter or fall?

~~I’d make up some story about finding a job there, or going to stay with a friend from uni and seeing if i can job search over there…or something.  But I’d find a cheap, isolated place to stay and go there, without anyone knowing I am pregnant.

~~Then I’d get a husky! I’ve always wanted a husky, but didn’t want him to dehydrate and broil in the spring, summer, and fall here haha. So my husky will be my company, and he’ll be around for me and my baby.

–I’ll do a lot of writing, and drinking tea and such with my husky, and we’d think about life and go walking and exploring…maybe.

*~~ Here’s the important part: I’m going to wait until the day I can feel my baby kicking. I’ll laugh and smile, and take pictures and feel like I’ve really gotten something I really wanted!  So maybe I’d feel that baby kick for a few weeks…

~~But then I’d end it. That kid would most likely have a horrible life, and I would be a horrible mother. So I think I would find a method where I would die and the baby could live. But… I wonder if he or she would have a horrible life…. I don’t want to think too deeply into this, I just need time to figure everything out. The husky will die by my side, and I’ll set something to auto-send a message to the police department to please come take care of my dog and baby.

I feel like it’s my ideal way to die; I’ll be surrounded by quite a few things I love right now, at least.

But I won’t be giving up right away. I’m a fighter! ahahaha. Unfortunately….mostly just one who is tired of fighting. So I’m going to keep working hard, trying to move up in the world, get myself into a better position, make my life into something that I can be proud of, stop thinking of myself as a loser and a fake and a former slutbag and a pseudo-smart girl ahahaha.  So I’m still not going to give up now, I’m going to continue to work hard, but also work towards my ultimate plan.

I have given myself until the age of 36-7.  Until then, I’ll do my best at everything, as I’ve always done. I’m just tired of working so hard and still not getting anywhere, because I’m bad it everything. I’m not going to force myself to stay sad and depressed and in pain for anyone else…. I don’t see the point.

I’m so sorry this turned out so long. I’m not expecting anyone to read such a long post if it doesn’t interest them, but all the same, thanks for reading my post.  xoxoxo