FakeImportance

This is the first time in all the years I’ve been here that I’ve actually had hope, that I’ve not felt suicidal. Every time I return it is always because I feel like I’m drowning. But to come back this time, knowing that I’m okay with living right now even if it’s really tough at times, it feels like this is still a part of my life I wouldn’t leave behind. It’s such a soothing site and it always has been, just the colour palette and everything.

Even without the darkest of thoughts it is still so soothing. I just appreciate it you know, that we […]

I think this is the date.

25 days until I have nothing left to look forward to. Back in November before I got this bad again I booked tickets to a music concert. Sure, it’s just a concert, but it’s been enough for me the past few months just to keep myself looking ahead.

Now…I am finally reaching the date. And after that, I become truly empty. Right now I wish I could put on a coat and get a backpack and run away into a cold dark place, and hide there until I get found. The only reason I don’t is because I do have something. But I won’t soon.

I don’t […]

I feel like I know the answer already and I hate it. But my dad has depression too and has outright told me he would kill himself if I did. What about my mum and sister? I care about them so much. Half the reason I’ve stayed alive for so many years is because I don’t want to hurt my family.

But I’ve hit a point where I’m in so much pain and I feel so disgusted by the world, that it would almost be unfair to live my whole life only for the sake of other people. Why should I live if I’m not even […]

To be honest I didn’t realise it could be this bad. I mean I’ve felt suicidal for a long time, I’ve been on and off here for many years and I always find myself coming back when it’s a bad time.

But there’s always been an element of hope and that’s what has kept me going. Even at my very worst before now, when I was only 16 and convincing myself that it was the time to die…I think what really saved me was the thought that my life could be about go change. Start college, get an actual life, meet new people.

But now. I have […]

Hey site, long time no see. I doubt you’ll remember me.

Basically my dad is suicidal and knows what he will do when he thinks it’s the right time to go, but I don’t know when that is. I don’t know what to do. I’m struggling to keep myself alive, let alone him.

This is hard…I underestimated how hard these past months were. And I’ve never had a great relationship with my dad so I don’t really know what I have to do/should do.

Every night I get recurring dreams that my dad began self harming etc and last night I dreamed that he killed himself.

Sucks…

Why does it have to be so difficult
why

Why do i have to be such a coward
why…?!?!

WHY can’t I just DIE??
Why can’t I escape from my life?
It is so difficult and I have tried pretty much everything I can do except poisoning because I am scared shit of vomiting. Even then I have made a small overdose as the most pathetic attempt of the century.

I have one more plan and it could take a while before I can get to it.
I just am at a complete loss here… ;_; (damn i promised myself i wouldn’t cry or people would be wasting […]