Why am I such a coward?

Hi guys I’m new here so you probably won’t know me.

But I just don’t get it. I’ve not wanted to exist for over 5 years and been very suicidal in particular these past 2 years. I self harm in a variety if ways and I have been very close to death in the past. But I have never gone through with it. Why? Because I’m a coward thats why.

I recently started researching and in fact the reason I found this place is because I was researching on death by starvation and came across a topic here. I am seriously planning now. I just want it to end. I hope life after death is non existent. I don’t deserve a life..