fakingit

i felt it, it was obvious..maybe im just naive..

i honestly thought i was ganna die last night…

how did it not work:/

FUUUUUUCK.

shouldve known
no good for nothing
no good for loving
no good for anything
except
hate
cruelty
abuse
death.

shouldve know i shouldnt have tried to be happy
shouldnt have wound myself up in a lie
shouldnt have tricked my mind into thinking im loved
shouldnt have even breathed today
or yesterday
all the yesterdays
shouldve known
my life is nothing
no matter what i do to try to change that
it always will be
even secretly.

she stands she stares
something so clear
she is faced with fear
fear in herself and with who she lies
to who dares to even try to find
the cause for the problem
that is buried deep in her mind
that cant come out
she stares down to her feet
feet that turn black
black for death
that mirror oh so clear
soon turns to fade
a near deadly shade
and what does she owe this
unfortunate day
a day she wishes to go away
she sees blood squirt out the sides
of the deadly shaded mirror
that used to be clear
she spots a […]

ok. ive fucked up majorly like i said in my last post. i thought i was done with that shit..no. my life just turned again..im now “a selfish ***** who wants to hurt my mom when she just wants to do whatever the fuck she chooses” woahhh. ok. wow. sooo for that statement i was told no wait yelled..i have digested 11 pillsXD
i just want a normal life. that i will never have. im too much of a fuck up..just like my family. i cant don shit. so fuck it fuck my life. i just wish i can die…now. well i was going to […]

im ruining it. im fucking with it. im going back down in a never ending circle.
I seriously get fucked up on pills DURING SCHOOL? to get a high feeling? and shit did that work! wasnt long before my hands went blue i was freezing cold i had no sense of what was going on. i could barely speak, but i felt so good! my heart was pounding i could feel it perfectly! i just stared at random shit like a dumb fuck..when the school had to call my mom i was pissed..i then realized what a mistake i made..again. now im starting back at […]

cold winter hands. confused mind rings. i wish i had a stable upbringing. what am i to teach myself. i apparently do no good. i have no good. i am no good. so why should i help out when i fail in the end. why do i feel like my hands are tied to a cold metal pole. i have no way out. there is no more. not one more chance. why do i shout. why do i fight. im only going to lose. i think to myself at night, the most peaceful yet most dangerous. im not on demand at night. i have time […]

where is he????????????????????????????????????????????

i cant even bare the thought of living even a day longer. i have marks all over me from being abused…from my family and even from me. this is all just to much. i love to sleep cause its like suicide a trailer to it. and every trailer makes me wanna see it in full. just imagine. no one telling you to do anything no more worrying about if your loved (cause u would never know anymore) no drama..FREEDOM. this probably makes me sound lazy. im not though. i have to do everything for my family..so constant going places and doing chores. gahd. no. im […]

and im scared. i always hate the idea of a new year. people try to sugar coat all the shit they go through and say oh ha well now i get to restart. uh no u actually dont. u dont predict the future. u dont know whats ganna happen at all. for all anyone knows it can just be shit all over again that has to cycle back to an end then restart and its an endless fucking cycle of shit. i dont want more shit ive been through enough! why cant i jump in my dads truck and just drive away. go somewhere that […]

i have gone through some serious shit this year. i swear if i have to start that again i will just give up entirely.

Jan: i was in rehab went through a lot of hell
Feb: out of rehab things getting slightly better
Mar: life was better compared to the last two months
Apr: i was losing it again
May: abuse started progressively
June: i wanted nothing but to die more and more each day. but i met my best friend which is why im here today
July: july 13: nearly died from overdose first most successful suicide attempt except u know im somehow stuck […]

I lay awake
Depressed and thoughts start to play
Well, what do they say
Can I be free? Willl I be free?
Or will that little ***** get her way
Fuck you
Fuck everything in the world
When do I get my turn
I wonder what it would be like
To live in a different family
A family that didn’t let me get abused
Someone who actually punished their child when they do wrong
When can I have that? When will I be free?

*WARNING most pointless post in the fucking world*

Why am I even faking it anymore? It’s honestly pointless. I should be more open. I dont know. I have friends but still my life seems so dull and pointless I wish it would end I’m that tired. Oh well maybe faking it is what I should keep doing. Who the fuck knows.