What am i to teach myself

cold winter hands. confused mind rings. i wish i had a stable upbringing. what am i to teach myself. i apparently do no good. i have no good. i am no good. so why should i help out when i fail in the end. why do i feel like my hands are tied to a cold metal pole. i have no way out. there is no more. not one more chance. why do i shout. why do i fight. im only going to lose. i think to myself at night, the most peaceful yet most dangerous. im not on demand at night. i have time to myself. but thats why im so tired cuz i live 2 lives. day like a slave night like it should be. but im only causing trouble when night hits. so what am i to teach myself?
i cant lean on anyone…they will push me back. i cant rest on myself..il have blood on the floor. i cant go to no one im trapped again.
where can i learn? where can i hide? where can i stay just for one night.
my mind is aching my body is weak it only just wants to go to sleep. it cannot sleep thou for i have to make up the life im losing. im yelling cant u see? dont you hear? dont you realize the pain u instilled. the fear and trembling. i sound pathetic but this is real. i cant defend myself i cant get away. im stuck like this for another several hundred days…what am i to teach myself? ive done no good. im told to die. im told the worst things ever. im told i have no right to bother trying. well fuck. this is my world. who the fuck tells me how to live my world. (: