Have you ever feel like you have an empty space where your heart/soul/whatever was supposed to be? Well, I’m this way right now… I am empty… I remember how I liked to draw a lot when I was a kid/teenager but right now I feel like a failure, I don’t enjoy drawing at all anymore. The worst of all is that I’m 29 y/o and I feel like I have wasted my entire life. I have been bullied during all my school life, from elementary to university (yup, university too…) It was not physical and psychological abuse only, but sexual too. What’s the worst part of this? It was made by men (I’m a man). They harassed me a lot, mainly touching my butt and chest with sexual connotations. It was hell.
In my famili things are getting bad: my dad has grave alcohol issues, I consider my mom is the kind of person that resolves tantrums by menacing the children (if you not behave then…) and apply “physical corrections” to make they obey and listen (yes, I was part of it, especially I remember to have fear when I was changing teeth and she struggled with me instead to try make me calm). Right now I believe she has a favorite son: one of my older brothers, he which has a partner and children… And I hate it. I hate him and her partner (the children not, I love them although they have been poorly educated ’cause the way they make tantrums and disobey to get what they want), I hate how they spend the week days at work and do not have time for their children… I fucking hate it. And I hate myself for not being brave enough to tell them what bothers me about them.
Before, I was a catholic person thanks to my mom and grandpa (R.I.P.) but now I don’t have any belief anymore. I blame both, God and the devil, for this thrash of life. While Satan makes my existence a burden for everyone and makes me miserable, God stays passive and DOES NOTHING!!! Fuck off! This is bullshit! Every one of these so called “superior beings” are shit! Fuck all! I’m tired of hearing these voices… I’m tired of believe that God wants me for something… I WANNA BE FREE!!! I WANNA TO GET BACK THE CONTROL OF MY LIFE!!!
I’m bisexual, and the ones that know it are my mom and my older bro’s partner (which I hate, as I said before). But my mom appears to act as nothing has changed at all… For that reason I fear to talk about it again ’cause I don’t wanna dissapoint her again. Besides, what’s the point if nobody loves me back?
I have assumed the idea no one will ever love me besides my family for… well… being my family. I don’t have any friends. I suck at choosing them. They always end: going out, abandon me, using me, mocking me, harassing me, betraying me, or me being a terrible friend at them. I assumed that I will die alone, abandoned, as a selfish, toxic, angry and arrogant human being. I am a fucking coward that cannot swim, or drive a car, or drive even a bicycle… What a shame. I dissapoint not only myself but the people that “believes” in me… I want to end this hell, this nightmare. Please… no more… I can’t whitstand it… I can’t fight no more…