Author

godbless

“goodnight moon”

by godbless 6/30/2015

written by godbless

I think tonight should be the night. If not tonight then tomorrow night. Just no more than 48 hours. I have nothing more to give.

I’ve always pictured myself engaging in adventurous, amazing, fun activities before I go. Instead I’m content with watching old movies and listening to old music. (I wish Netflix would work though) The only things that are weighing heavily on my heart at this time are 1. How sorry I feel for my dog. Nobody loves him as much as me so he won’t get as much attention, and also he won’t know why I’m gone. 2. Tremendous guilt. 3. How things […]

6/30/2015 4 comments

my Angel

by godbless 6/21/2015

written by godbless

Everybody will be better off without me. I’m a burden to society in general it’s actually quite embarrassing.

I have nothing to offer the world. My grandmother used to tell me everybody has a purpose in life–maybe mine was simply to die.

Just a few more nights…until then I’m getting dressed up nice for the last time right now. I’m going to see my grandfather. I feel like it doesn’t make a difference if I go to family events or not anymore. Nobody actually cares if I’m there or not. But I’m sucking it up and truthfully I’d like to my grandfather and his dog one last […]

6/21/2015 2 comments

by godbless 6/17/2015

written by godbless

I don’t think things could be much worse,
My “life” is a curse.
I wear these cross earrings and necklace to feel closer to God,
But I don’t deserve to–I’m such a fraud.
I’ll try my best,
To not make too much of a mess. Father’s day is coming soon, I don’t want to make it to then, I want to be with the moon.

God blessed me with life, And I’ve wasted all 16 years, I‘ll soon face my final […]

6/17/2015 2 comments

rainy night

by godbless 6/15/2015

written by godbless

waiting for the next rainy night…

6/15/2015 3 comments

moonlight

by godbless 6/9/2015

written by godbless

The moon and I have a unique relationship. I’m a cancer and cancers are called “moon babies”. I often stare at the moonlight. It’s fascinating to me. My dream life would be sitting on the moon, in the pouring rain, in quietness with my dog. I daydream about life being that simple.

6/9/2015 2 comments

I’ll miss the rain

by godbless 6/3/2015

written by godbless

I’m going to miss the rain. I love rain so much. It’s comforted me many times throughout life. I’ll miss the feel, the sound, the smell, the cool breeze. I wrote a stupid, short, song about rain once in the 5th grade and I still sing it nearly every time it rains.

“I can hear the sound of rain. I can see the beauty of rain. After every rain there’s a rainbow”.

I wish it rained everyday. My two favorite things ever are rain and dogs.

6/3/2015 6 comments

countdown home

by godbless 5/29/2015

written by godbless

It’s weird knowing I’m not going to make it past June. I’m not even sure what day, I’m thinking around early-mid June. Ideally anywhere from the 3rd-18th. I’ve always been alone in life and I’m going to be alone in death. I definitely don’t feel worthy of God’s time. I’ll learn from the experience and move on if an afterlife exists. I’m not doing anything different until then. I’m still just reading, hanging out with my dog, walking around, and praying for others. Lately I’ve talked with distant relatives at a family type event (I usually skip going) and it wasn’t really fun at all. […]

5/29/2015 4 comments

Hurry June

by godbless 5/26/2015

written by godbless

It’s weird I usually never even leave my house and when I do and when I get to see people that I used to know I feel so useless. I really didn’t want to go to this family event today but I thought that someone who I actually care about was going to be there. 12 hours wasted. I even got offered a beer and if my mother wasn’t standing right there I would have fucking accepted because I was so stressed out just by being there. I kept to myself and tried not to say much because I had nothing useful to say. I […]

5/26/2015 2 comments

bittersweet

by godbless 5/24/2015

written by godbless

Today my childhood best friend graduated from high school. She is a year older than me and she moved away a few years ago so we lost touch. I’m really happy and proud of her accomplishment. I can’t help but feel like a complete failure though. I’m never going to graduate or accomplish anything. I have no future or dreams anymore.

5/24/2015 2 comments

walk in town

by godbless 5/20/2015

written by godbless

I can’t sleep…but I’m so tired. I’ve been lying in bed for a long-time just thinking. I want to just go for a walk right now. It’s after midnight and there’s a curfew in my town but I have this urge to just walk around town. I want to pass the place I plan to die at…just pass it. If I get caught by the cops that would not be good though because I have no good excuse.

5/20/2015 4 comments

by godbless 5/12/2015

written by godbless

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and maybe life isn’t for everyone. I mean life is too hard for me. I put myself in my parents shoes a thousand times and I just don’t understand why they treat me the way that they do. Even more questioning is why I care about how they feel…but I admit I do care how they feel. I know what it’s like to hurt and I wouldn’t wish that even on those who caused me that pain. And i know that it won’t hurt them.They have other kids and already have grandkids from my half sisters. There is actually […]

5/12/2015 2 comments

Mother’s day present

by godbless 5/9/2015

written by godbless

I wonder what my mom would like for mother’s day. Flowers? Perfume? A hug? Maybe from her daughters! That’s right she doesn’t count me as a daughter. She’d probably like it better if she could sign a certificate to disown me. I can sort of give her that.

My mother has two daughters (half siblings who are in their mid-twenties) whom she has always loved and adored. They got anything that they asked for and more. Me? The COMPLETE opposite. I barely got attention infact the only attention I ever got was negative. Neither of my parents have ever told me that they loved me. But […]

5/9/2015 4 comments