Author

GTSuicide_6

One Day.

by GTSuicide_6 2/22/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

I am sad. So sad. I am so sad to the point where the prettiest things feels the ugliest. Where the most vivid images in life seems the most dark. Where the joy feels like sadness, and the excitement feels like fear. I am sad. Sad to the point where when happiness is present, it is enveloped entirely by a deep sadness.

—-

As mentioned yesterday on a post, I got the opportunity to attend a concert with performers, dancers, and motivational speakers today.

When everyone else enjoyed themselves during the break, I locked myself in the bathroom and cut myself.

When everyone found happiness and joy throughout the […]

2/22/2016 2 comments

Far Away.

by GTSuicide_6 2/22/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

Everything to me, feels out of reach, out of place, too far gone, simply, far away.

I have to be happy; I know I have to be happy. I SHOULD be happy.

But I can’t. And I’m not.

I may be complaining about something minor, something great, so whats the problem?

I get the opportunity to go to a concert tomorrow, a first experience for me. But I’m crying tonight. Anxiety kicks me in the face and leaves my crying and broken. I’m scared. I’m afraid. I am NOT happy.

I am sad, to add on to it. A deep, unending sadness that makes me feel numb with my emotions. I’m not […]

2/22/2016 13 comments

Problem.

by GTSuicide_6 2/21/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

Problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem problem.

All I figure I damn am.

2/21/2016 2 comments

Everyone’s A Bastard:

by GTSuicide_6 2/20/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

– “I’ll kill myself. I’ll kill myself i’ll kill myself i’ll kill mmyself and soon.”
-“I’ll call the police on you
Dont even think about trying.”

———-

Last night I had written to a friend (a used-to-be-friend.), saying I’d kill myself and soon.

Today, I had received the response above:“I’ll call the police on you.”

…Thanks, I appreciate the scare I received that rose up as I had read it.

—

Why did I admit it? It was because of a spark; an anxiety attack that led me fearful and alone to the point of solely being capable of admitting it. It was because I needed someone then. It was at the […]

2/20/2016 11 comments

The Aftermath: Waking Up.

by GTSuicide_6 2/16/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

It comes to my mind occasionally, the prospect of waking up in a hospital following a suicide attempt.

It scares me. It unleashes a new fear of doubt and uncertainty: the question of, “what if?”

What if the rope doesn’t work, then what? Or the pills? What if the bullet misses, or the height is too short? That the bag doesn’t work, or that the blood doesn’t flow? Then what? You wake up.

The simple thought of waking up the next day alive is unbearable.

The shame and guilt and hopelessness, anger, ALL negative feelings, how can you bear it?

I want to know if there are people out there […]

2/16/2016 9 comments

What IS the Ultimate Answer?

by GTSuicide_6 2/10/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

“Are you OK?”

I get asked it often, nowadays:

During lunch, sitting alone in an empty hallway, my face in my hands. Well, what is the answer?

I’ve come to realize that though I strongly DISLIKE getting asked the question, I know that the people who take their time to inquire about my feelings/ well-being are the nicest, kindest people- even if they genuinely don’t care, they still ask. And their asking helps me remember where I am and to keep […]

2/10/2016 9 comments

SICK: EMOTIONALLY + PHYSICALLY.

by GTSuicide_6 2/1/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

I may be suicidal, but most importantly, it was this year when I got full on serious about it.

In other news I think I’m getting a fever.

Look, of course in the past I was suicidal and got a fever too, but this is different.

This year I am serious. And being sick right now is not what I am needing.

Urgh I just can’t take this. Why today? What the hell? I got a whole lotta stress too in school, right AFTER finishing the exams.Its just the most difficult to be seriously suicidal and get a cold because what the hell I want to die now more […]

2/1/2016 12 comments

One More.

by GTSuicide_6 1/31/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

I am currently sitting around, midnight close, waiting for…

Well what?

I have nothing more to do but lie here reading other people’s life stories.

But lying down next to loneliness makes me write this message.

I don’t know what will come out of the following post, but I’m merely letting my fingers wander on the keyboard, awaiting whatever question is suddenly formed.

Perhaps this is a start:

How many of you felt depressed as a teenager (as I am one myself), and the situation never has changed, up to this date?

That you’re still constantly burdened with the same unending sadness from years ago, that still haunts you?

That you have yet […]

1/31/2016 13 comments

Blurred.

by GTSuicide_6 1/31/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

Haven’t posted in weeks,

Have sat around, friendless, lonely.

Solitude is my best friend, though.

Oh, forgot: Gotta blame myself on the “friendless” part. I cut them out– spare them.

2 more months and I’m out, I promise the world. Until then, I have no friends. […]

1/31/2016 5 comments

Prevent You’re Own Happiness

by GTSuicide_6 1/17/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

About 50 minutes ago, I posted a question asking whether any of you intentionally cut off your friends, just to make yourself feel horrible, or to spare them.

(Its called, “Anyone Else: Loneliness.” in case any of you wanna give it a look at.)

I’ve been sitting here dreading every second, thinking about it.

And I remembered what I used to say to myself about it,

I used to think it was to prevent myself from happiness.

I don’t deserve a happy; This is all my fault.

Everyone’s problems? My fault. I can’t be happy because its not fair.

You know what I hate the most? Hearing people deny it, try to […]

1/17/2016 5 comments

Anyone Else; Loneliness

by GTSuicide_6 1/17/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

So maybe I’m all screw-y or something,

I’m assuming the majority of you may not be able to relate,

But sitting here alone and dreading the day, I decided why not write this post. I don’t know why I do this, nor do I think I’ll ever know why,

But I always seem to…Cut people out of my life.

I had this best friend, he was so good to me last year, when I was at the lowest point. He made sure I was happy and all, and he calmed me down every night when I felt my anxiety begin to swallow me. But ever since, I’ve always tried […]

1/17/2016 14 comments

A partner.

by GTSuicide_6 1/6/2016

written by GTSuicide_6

I need a friend.

Badly.

I don’t have any one and would love to talk to someone daily…

I’m so lonely.

Please, someone, is anyone willing to be trustful to me?

I’ve lost so much trust in everyone…But this is absolutely unbearable.

I need someone,

please.

-GTSuicide_6

1/6/2016 12 comments

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