Im gonna die today.
Happy birthday, me.
In two days, I’m ending things.
I don’t think the advice given here is related to the ban on “Suicide methods help”.
I am not asking how to kill myself.
I am not asking for convincing.
My mind is set and I will do it in two days, no one will stop me but myself.
I should’ve done this earlier, but I was just too all over the place for these last few weeks.
I need some tips on what to start off with, the before-death-preparation.
What should I do?
Write the note?
Should I clean up my room entirely?
Does that mean throwing out EVERYTHING, what do I keep?
I hate this.
I just want to die, not worry for others and how my rooms going to be.
But I am.
Its like, why am I even going to commit suicide if its stressing me out.
Shit I have so much to do…
Its frustrating. I have no one.
Here I am typing furiously at a “friend,” saying how badly I wanna kil myself.
And all I get is sarcasm.
All I get is,
“Thats a tad bit too dramatic.”
Really? Really? But you know I want to kill myself. But you’ve heard me. You’ve heard me already you know this.
You know I was sent to that stupid damn hospital. You know its serious.
You know I’m not OK and I’m sad and I’m trying to fucking fight and I’m just SO. FUCKING. SAD. AND. ANGRY. AND. …
PARDON ME GUYS,
IF THIS SEEMS A TAD BIT TOO DRAMATIC.
HA HA HA 😀 😉
I promised on killing myself on April 6th.
But now I realize I have no time.
I need to get everything organized. But I don’t wanna change the date.
Lord. lord lord lord.
You know what I hate? Today I am in a good mood. You know that scares me.
Because now I just think, “Wow….What if on April 6th I am in a good mood?”
I don’t have the rope ready!
Dear god its so close I don’t have time!!!!
I DON’T WANNA CHANGE THE DATE SOMEONE HELP.
Tomorrow I have an appointment in the hospital about suicide stuff after I was admitted two weeks ago.
I plan on killing myself on April 6th.
They brought up youth protection services a few times, and let me be real, I am not in accordance to that.
I can’t let them admit me and keep me in. I have to get myself out the mess that well, it feels, they created.
What do I tell them? What lies?
I gotta figure out something.
I was supposed to do my essay.
For weeks now.
Its not done.
Its not getting done.
Why am I crying? I’m supposed to be working.
No no, I’m crying.
I’m crying I’m so sad.
I’m so sad. I am so alone. I am so sad I am so sad.
I am so sad. I hate myself.
I’m going to kill myself in a week or so.
I hate myself. I want to die.
I’m going to kill myself.
I hate myself.
I am a dumb fucking piece of shit ready to die.
I’m already rotten.
For a long time, I’ve thought to myself, “You’re just being lazy”.
That’s what I thought. I’m too tired, too exhausted. I’m just bored with the day. Or maybe I’m sleepy and I am just such a lazy kid that I don’t get things done.
I’ve always known, deep down inside of me, that that’s not the true reason. But I still always doubted that maybe, just maybe, it IS.
But I realize at this moment, and I’m confirming at this moment, that all my beliefs about this being something else was true. And I’m confining that it IS true.
I am not lazy; I am not tired; I am not exhausted; I am not sleepy.
Its not the real reason why I don’t get things done.
I’m sad. I’m so sad that I want to sleep. I want to close my eyes and I feel heavy and loaded.
I feel tired. I feel tired because of my sadness. And then I feel hopeless. Like, no, I CAN’T accomplish my work. It can NEVER be accomplished, I should merely give up now. And so, I retreat so sleep, and never get my work done.
I’ve always thought it was laziness, every. single. time. But can it really be laziness if I am crying every time?
Do you cry when you’re lazy? No. You don’t. I cry because I am too sad. Too tired to work, mentally. Physically as well. I just know KNOW its not laziness. Its something more.
I just needed to finally confirm that for myself. To let myself be peaceful with the fact that I wasn’t wrong this entire time.
My hearts pounding.
I want to call it quits for tonight, and go to bed.
Its only 10 PM. This’ll be the first time going to bed at 10 PM (before midnight) after months, and years and …
I am not moving.
I am not caring.
I am sad and helpless and I need something
i’m holding onto my head stressing about going to bed so early. I haven’t done this before. What if I get horrible sleep paralysis tonight? This is a horrible decision. I’m going to be so f;ing–
Help. Someone help. Its wrong it feels wrong.
I gotta say some of this is my OCD crap. Its as if if I go to bed early something horrible is going to happen either during the night or the morning after. Like I’m screwing up a long term cycle and this decision will ruin everything in my life. Its going to ruin everything i fucking tell you guys ;( I should be doing homework, finishing up my book, doing something productive, not gong to bed earl-
DEar lord my hearts racing too fast.
oh man I am scared.
HA HA HA HA Isn’ THAT FUNNY? ITS LIKE I CAN’T EVEN GO TO *BED* EARLY WITHOUT STRESSING ABOUT GOING TO BED EARLY! WHAT THE HELL! HA HA HA. PROBLEMS!!!
OH MY GOD.
HA HA i’M frigging hysterical right now!!!
I hope God is real.
I hope someone saves me.
No one will
No ones gonna care to read this.
How do I tell my angry, complaining mother that:
“NO- You are not accompanying me tomorrow to the hospital for the follow-up” (after being sent to the E.R.)
How do I bring it up?
She’s going to react like, “SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BLOODY (SWEAR WORDS) You got yourself into this! Stupid idiot! Now I have to come” (complain).
You know sometimes I really frigging think to myself, (LIKE RIGHT NOW):
“FUCKING. SNAP. OUT. OF. IT.”
No yah. Its true. Just snap out if it. There IS no sadness.There is no stress. There is no problem. Get up and move on and live life “normally” because that exists for a damn reason.
But you know what? I can’t,”snap out of it”. I can’t wake up one day and be OK. I can’t pretend I am fine. I can’t because I am NOT.
“snap out of it. Everything is fine.”
But maybe I’m not.
I have never claimed I have OCD. That’s because I know how severe it gets for people. But some things I do are based off fear so bad that they prevent me from doing anything or making decisions–
On Friday I was sent to the E.R. for suicidal thoughts that were persistent. The night before I spent hours trying to find and decide what socks I should wear. I spent an hour (not exaggerating) telling myself that I shouldn’t wear the only pair of socks I found– grey socks.
I just felt it was wrong and would cause problems. I was so anxious during the night about the socks. And what happens? Chaos.
(Urgh my mother is yelling at me now:”You better lie to the counselors and the people and say you have no problems!!!!!!!!!” )
Her voice makes me want to stab my ear.
—Not the point:point is, I won’t go to bed tonight unless I know whether I should wear orange or blue pajamas. I made sure they come from the same company. They are just in different colors. Orange will represent innocence because I’ve hardly worn those pajamas during tough nights so it hasn’t experienced much. Blue ones are fierce and they’ll keep me strong tonight.
My fear for my pajamas is preventing me from sleeping. I need sleep and I can’t.
Not until my decision is made on pajamas.
I don’t expect to make the same mistake like the socks did.
No: this ISN’T a fashion statement.
Its insane and I know it. But in my mind I cannot go to bed without knowing one of them will keep me safe. Its insane.
Let me say this once for the whole world to hear: I. HATE. YOU. ALL.
I am bringing this up again, I was admitted to the E.R. yesterday for suicidal thoughts after my psychologist knew it was beyond her control.
My family, my mother she was pissed. She complained about how the 50$ wasted for parking in the hospital could’ve been used for buying shoes. She said, “Poor, poor girl….Your sister wanted to go shopping, and now she can’t because this bloody (insert swear words) crazy idiot did all this.” My father complained about missing work. My sister called me a dumb stupid teenager and I was making everything up.
Today my father forced me to wake up and clean the entire house, do the dishes and more.
10 psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc, all yesterday. I’m weary of talking.
My friend, the only one, I believe is crap. She talks like she doesn’t care. “Ok. Cool. Idc.” Fuck her.
I have no support. No friends. No family, (I only realized yesterday), and I’m so tired of the psychologists and stuff. They are draining me.
I have nobody.
I’m sorry, but please don’t mind me.
This community here is pissing me off to.
I can’t help it. I am angry. Too angry.
I am angry at the world. And I know nobody cares and nobody is listening.
I know that now. Everyone left me at my WORST moment, yesterday. When I was admitting to the hospital for suicide shit.
Everyone left me.
And I don’t care if this is minor, but the ambulance guy there who came, he was so kind to me while I gave him my most coldest looks. He offered a tissue and smile and joked around. He was funny and serious. And he was the only one who made the day easy. The psychologist I was seeing at the time couldn’t even come with me to the emergency cuz she was too busy. I had no friend, and after yesterday realized how careless my parents are, this entire time I thought my suicide would break them but its only making them more selfish. And of course, the ambulance guy left, its not like he could stay.
Still I felt he was a traitor. A damn ass traitor for leaving me when I was screaming on the inside for someone to help me. Instead I had my parents forcefully screaming at me in the room when the doctor left. My friends don’t care. My family don’t care, and you know what? Nobody cares.
Nobody will even read this.
Thank you. I know I am alone in this world. I get it.
After yesterday, being directly rushed to the E.R. by ambulance for suicidal thoughts, knowing how my family treated me (please read “No Emergency”) when they said I was over exaggerating, when my mom complained saying she could’ve bought shoes instead of paying for parking at the hospital, when my father complained about missing work, where my sister told me I was making things up,
Fuck I don’t even remember the point to this post.
Urgh I’m wasting everyones time.
But I feel I have to let this out.
I have no one.