my wrists had been looking so clean. and then they got all dirty again. really dirty
shhh I’m a cutter. Don’t tell. It’s socially unacceptable that I express pain.
Depression is like a tornado, there’s nothing you can do but sit and wait, and finally when the storm is over…you are left with the destruction. The scars on your body, the puffy eyes from crying, the exhaustion of fighting a losing battle. It’s consuming.
when memories hit you and they hurt like fuck. i used to be so close with my dad. i could go to talk to him about anything and we would joke and laugh all the time. i was so close to him that probably up until i was 10 he would lay in my bed with me every night before i went to sleep. on weekend mornings just the two of us would walk to get donuts. he watched shows like project runway and so you think you can dance with me just because i asked him too. i used to jump on him everytime […]
I don’t want your sympathy. or your attention. I’d really rather not have you watch me suffer. I don’t want you to look at my ugly scars and feel bad for me. I don’t want you to tell me to stop. I don’t want you to tell me you get me, because you don’t. I don’t want you to comfort me when I cry, you were never there before.
the big things that really make me resent life have just become kind of numbing. their problems are still there everyday but i guess f’ed up is the new normal for me. so now its the little things that decide to kill me or not. out of soap in the shower? kill yourself. all stocked up? you live another day. nobody answers your texts? kill yourself. get replies? you live. its a sick little game i like to play…
we don’t get to chose when we come in this world, so shouldn’t we at least get the convenience to chose when we go out?
Regrets are such set backs for me. For example, today, I was thinking about when I lost my virginity (I mentioned this in a previous post). I try not to to think about it too much, but, it kept coming into my mind today…
Anyway, I was thinking what a stupid decision it was. How I could have turned this guy down and just not have done it in the first place. I remember, the day of, I felt great, confident, and just really cool ( as any 13 year old would after having sex…). Same with the day after, only a few very close friends […]
I guess I’ve been keeping everything inside for a while, so I figured here would be as good a place as ever to let it out…
Please don’t judge, I know what I did was wrong and inappropriate.
Let’s see, it all started in March, when I Â lost my virginity. At 13. I know this was a huge stupid mistake, and there really isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t regret it. It happened on a Saturday, and by the time I got to school on Monday, everybody knew. So, of course it didn’t take long for my parents to find out as well. My dad […]
I went to the beach yesterday, mostly because I was forced to leave the house. It was ungodly hot out, so I decided to go into the water. The waves were huge, and I was standing the water and I thought what if one just crashed down on me and I drowned. How peaceful would that be.
And so I stood there and I let a huge wave crash over me. It pushed me down and sucked me under the water, and then I just sat under the water, it was so quiet and serene, and for a couple seconds all the fucked up shit going […]
You’re sitting at your desk, and you know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it, you’re gonna look […]
i really do hate having panic attacks. the last time i had one, i got very short of breath, my chest hurt, i was backed up against a wall crying and screaming at everyone, convinced in my mindset that everyone was going to hurt me. I dont even know what i was screaming about, i dont really even remember. Probably just for everyone to go away and leave me alone so that i didnt have to cut with them watching.
Cutting….
I dont ever remember doing it, when it’s happening I feel, out of body, like im not really there. just an hour later, i look down […]
I don’t think that its that I want to kill myself. I just really want the shit to stop
people who arent suicidal trying to make you feel better. its pretty annoying. whenever my friends or family is trying to make me feel better, seeing that im in a pretty bad mood they just say something like: oh think of someone who is worse off than you..
I mean, I get it ok? there’s always going to be someone who’s in a worse situation than me. but here’s the thing about when you say that. thinking about all that, the people who are close to me with cancer, starving, hurting….i cant deal with it it just makes me more depressed. also i know they […]