Days go by and you can notice how it is approaching, every day a little bit more, and you just pretend nothing happens. Day after day, night after night you see the storm getting near and you stay, after all the fear is gone. What are you waiting for?? RUN!!! Cover yourself, run as fast as you can, it’s not possible to win. You could ask for help, but the feeling is somewhat familiar, in fact you know it all too well and you just stare, expecting it will slowly absorb you…. no hunger at all, an insomniac state, cold you can’t shiver away, a […]
So, I was sitting there, while reading, thinking why I asked for help. I was trying to understand the reasons behind my decision, with curiosity on how things would turn and what it was going to be said. Trying to explain was difficult, felt so strange, my chest started to ache, I could see how I started to reduce my words in answers and explanations, with just a yes or no. At that point many thoughts ended up inside my head, and occluded the part of speaking, that part of giving meaning to what I said. At the end I felt like I wasn’t understood, […]
Just that morning in which i was driving through the busy traffic on the main avenue, i was thinking about the gravity. When i was still halfway up the bridge, and still advancing, I thought of the meaning of the word placebo, which led me to think in the band of the same name. Placebo is a thing that doesn’t have a long term effect, i think. Every day i am looking for one so it doesn’t affect me the idiots in the street or to worry if i’m late, or even if i’m going to go back home or not. I usually thought, that […]
I’ve been feeling down lately, it’s wierd cause I have no reason. Sometimes I feel like I’m not here, altough I can hear and see everything, like I’m invisible but still watching. The voices keep whispering what I try to avoid to be seen as a normal person, somehow functional, but the whispers turn louder and I can’t pretend I don’t listen. They mock me, I’m weak and right now I don’t feel like fighting against this…
I’ve wondered so many times why I must feel the way Ifeel? I still have not found an answer. Every now and then I used to break down, to live in crisis, cutting myself, drinking alcohol until i passed out, taking pills to lose myself, damaging every part of me for not to feel. I understand that i may never get this feeling “out of me”, I understand that no matter what I do, what I try, I keep falling far away, pushing everyone else, and theres only one thing else to do, not to try, because trying implies that I could fail, i will […]
I´m thinking more than ever of that sensation you get when the blood is running down, that is what i would like to feel right now to function again. every week that goes by a part of me gets lost in the air, i don’t know how much is left but one thing i know for sure is i need to get out of life. everything is so fucked up right now that i don’t even want to pretend is not, i haven’t slept in days and my body is getting tired, my mind already gave up. but thas the thing, the cut itself would […]
Soy un todo, soy nada; soy lo que quieras, lo que no puedas ser. El pensamiento me traiciona, me maltrata hasta el quiebre. Inevitable comienza el descenso a mas de 100km/h, espero poder remontar antes de llegar al suelo, el impacto serÃa fatal. Mantngo las esperanzas pero se sienten las consecuencias de la caÃda. Observo con atención: las grietas aunque pequeñas duelen más de lo que pudiese imaginar. Tal vez y sólo talvez, se quiebre todo incluso metros antes de poder visualizar el suelo. Creo que se han desprendido pedazos de todos los tamaños, el movimiento los ha hecho volar como plumas.
Ya no soy […]
No has tenido esa sensación en la que… Bueno ni siquiera es una sensación… Ni siquiera sabes si lo sientes, si existe… Ahhh todo un embrollo en tu cabeza, esperas despertar, esperas que todo sea un sueño o pesadilla, esperas que si todo es cierto haya una realidad alterna a la cual transportarte, simplemente esperas. Y cuando te cansas de esperar haces cosas “indebidas”, pero no sabes como manejarte, como manejarlo, como hacer cosas diferentes. Sigue siendo una lucha constante con tu propio ser, con tu propio pensamiento, y no tienes a nadie, que por lo menos te diga estás loco. Asà es, siempre ha […]
I’m tired of been told that everything is going to be better, that when you hit bottom the only thing you can do is go up. Over the years I realize those things are just crap, are worthless for me. Nothing is better and I keep on falling. Sometimes I wonder what is to be happy, to not pretend that you are a normal person with a normal life. Why can anyone live according to what they personally believe, think and act? Why they have to label us as if we were a different kind of humans, and many times not even that. I think that […]
I am writing again here since some weeks off, it seems so far away those thoughts I used to have as I read them again. There are so many things I can´t comprehend about the world and myself, but one thing I do know for sure is that those thoughts, even though they seem distant, they are so much closer, they are in my mind to stay for the rest of my life, it doesn’t matter what happens.
As far as I know those thoughts are the real me.
I just don’t know what to say anymore, or what to think. I can’t get off from my head all the thoughts, the flashes keep coming as if there’s nothing more. Why, i tell myself, but no answer is found. And now I’m not sure if I want one. but it’s the guilt inside my head, and my hole body.
Is just another day, another hour, minute, and breath, but I can’t breathe anymore; the air is not getting inside of me. As I close my eyes every memorie is haunting me, I want to forget. I want to be able to look at me […]
I’m trying really hard, not for you or anyone else, I’m doing it for myself this time and still can’t do it anyway… you know that now I am completely sure that I’m worthless, I can’t be saved. But does it really matter? I’ll answer that for you… NO, but you already knew this.
Days pass, not being able to confront myself, only falling deeper and deeper, my consciousness dims… so many years of loneliness, sadness and fear now are showing their dangers.
How many scars will I let myself to have? How many cuts do I have to make for not feeling this way? How deep […]
I’m sitting in the rain, everything looks so dark, so sad, so hopeless… yet I can’t stop watching. I can’t stand up and say: ENOUGH.
So I sit there trying to understand but there’s nothing to understand… I hear the voice in my head, charming and cold, saying to me things, things I don’t comprehend… questioning me things, things I don’t remember… blaming on things, things I didn’t do.
Such a mess my head is, a pretty bad nightmare…I just can’t wake up. Sometimes I wonder if I’m damaged. Sometimes…
I get in the house still raining, open all the doors to hang in every wall […]
My head keeps on
I wonder if it could ever be turned off
“I must be dreaming”, I tell myself
So many times, and I’ve found out the truth
Nothing more… nothing else
Is it just me? Is it my fault?
Do I live in a different world?
No? And so why I feel that way?
Give me answers please
‘Cause I have no escape
I have no one in fact
Not even my cat wants me to scratch him in the back
And you still wonder why…
Did you notice those cuts in my arms?
Or that I am by myself most of the […]
I just couldn’t get it together this time… and still can’t… everything is so fucked up right know but that blade really makes the difference between life and death… I promised myself I would quit, but like many times before I failed… never its going to be the same or return to “normality”, I know that… I just wish to not to feel that crappy, deep down I know it won’t change…
Like everyone who I have encountered in my life, you just expect too many things… things that I can’t fullfill. I am sorry, I just can’t take this anymore… I’m sorry if I let you down, but I’ve let myself down so many times I lost the count… You always say it’s up to me to change, but guess what… I’m not myself anymore, I don’t even know who I am. Yeah I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND, so just leave me, let me pretend everything is fine when both of us know its not…
The ability to think is infinite, the options are scarce in the analysis, and the desicion at the end is unique and irreparable. If wrong the worst, if succesful the best. Once you’ve lost everything that has meaning and importance, once you’ve tried to recover it, trying all possible options to try and failed in every one of them, once you realize it wasn’t possible you tried the impossible and still didn’t work out. Once you have resigned to not getting anything back but still you can’t forget it. One time that becomes one thousand and one times. However this must be an opportunity to […]
I’ve started thinkink if i really exist, ’cause i don’t feel like it. Everything has fallen apart, i’m broken inside… trying hard not to screw things this time, trying hard not to cry, trying hard not to hurt myself, trying hard but hardly succeding. I feel so lost, so angry, so sad… no one is there, i know; no one cares, i know… it’s just me, fighting by myself, almost to giving up