So I’ve lost hope now. Years and years of therapy, waiting a shit load of money – sorry mum. I just feel like nothing is helping. I’m still cutting and going deeper and worse, I’m still suicidal and getting closer to death and my mind is going darker and darker, losing its contrast. I’m slowly giving up and all it’s doing is hurting my family.
I feel like I do everything wrong. I don’t even understand why I exist.
I have choice but to be suicidal. The razor blades are my only friends.
Fuck this, fuck life, fuck existence, fuck everything.
Don’t you ever feel numb all over, for no apparent reason? Welcome to the feeling of depression..
I honestly don’t know what to start with, so let me just say this:
Most of myself (my dark, depressing and suicidal self) actually wants me to kill myself, but I don’t think I have the guts to even do it. But I always think about what will happen, and how I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.
But the (I hate using this word) normal side of me thinks about who it would hurt, and then I’d feel guilty and would want to seek help. But most of me doesn’t want help and just wants to suffer more.
I don’t understand myself anymore.
I think I’m scared of myself..
Lately I’ve been feeling so used that I feel useless, like an object instead of a human being.
I feel like I’ve lost all feelings all together from how people have treated me.
All the disrespect, and just seeing how they don’t give a damn or care about how it affects me.
They don’t care because they don’t know that I have feelings.
They mess with me, hurt me in many ways. But do they even notice or care? No. Why?
Because they think I’m just a god damn voodoo doll.
So it turns out that I’m on antidepressants now, a weak dosage. It’s not doing anything and tomorrow this when I’m going to see my doctor who prescribed them to me to gain my dosage because it’s not changing my depressing and suicidal thoughts.
Right now I can’t stop thinking about slicing my wrists open and seeing my crimson blood run down my arms, the urge is too strong. It’s all I can think about and I hate it. I’m trying to fight through it for my best friend and my family.
I feel scared, hopeless, I don’t even feel like I’m in my own body.
I feel like there’s no hope, like no one will even miss me when I end my life. I’ve been plotting how I’m going to commit suicide because I know it’s going to happen soon. Pills? Probably. By a noose? Maybe. I have no idea what to do with my life anymore.
So my best friend (1) and my other friend (2) will be leaving tomorrow to Bali, and I know I’ll miss them heaps.
Today is the 22nd of September and they’ll be coming back on the 4th of October just in time for my birthday.
friend (2) has a crush on me and wants to date me but I don’t see myself dating him. He’s just not my type.
Best friend (1) likes my friend Jess and she likes him back but he told me today that he likes someone else and doesn’t want to date her.
Best friend (1) started sending me kisses more frequently, making me think that maybe I’m that person he likes.
I sort of like him too, but I don’t want him to suffer from my problems that come with me.
Maybe I should shut them out, like I do to everyone now.
But I know I’ll seriously miss them.
I’m afraid to reject friend (2) because he’s very sensitive and I don’t want to lose our friendship.
What should I do? I think I’m overthinking this. :\
So I’ve done something that I’m not proud of at all. Being a Christian makes it worse. It also makes me a phony.
Ive been caught for doing this once before. Once I get a hold on internet connection, there is no limits for me. I get out of control, obsessed and desperate. It’s embarrassing for me really.
I went on something called ‘Meowchat’ and I started talking to some guy. He asked for dirty talk, and I gave it to him. I got nothing out of it, really. He then asked for nudes. I said ‘no’.
I sort of pressured me into sending one picture to him, but I only showed him one boob. Nothing more. He asked for more but I told him to forget it.
My dad found out. He is disowning me now, he’s telling my school, the police, my shrink and I’m planning on moving out again for the third time in my life.
Life is so wonderful, huh?
hey guys, I have created a chat room by ****** that is for Australians only (14-18 year olds only)
here’s the link: http://us21.******.com/62230324839823
I really want to give up.
I have to put up with so much, no one loves me, no one cares for me… So who would grieve when I die or disappear?
But that won’t happen. Why? Because I’m scared to. I’ve seen things that can prove that people will make shit up and jump to conclusions. For instance: I disappear, run away without any evidence to where I was going… Then people at my school would say things like this: “She got pregnant and had to find her baby daddy.” or “She decided to drop out and be a slut for her living to make enough money for her baby she has to abort sooner or later.” SHIT I DON’T KNOW!!
I just want to… Vanish.
I have my best friend who had a crush on my other best friend. She just found out that he is dating his ex again and she’s hell upset. She suddenly decided that she’s lesbian and announced it in front of the whole class in my contact/homeroom. I don’t know if she’s joking or not, but I am currently confused about my sexuality. Help!
So basically my dad told us the news on his birthday which sucked. This was before he left us.
Then my mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She had a lot of treatments done.
What else.. My mum and dad officially got a divorce and my dad stayed at his parents’ house.
I started getting bullied, cyber and at school. I still do, it’s because I’m apparently ‘fat’.
I developed anxiety and depression. I moved out of my mum’s, but got kidnapped back by her, unwillingly. It didn’t last long. I then got a psycologist. I still have her. It sometimes helps, but hardly.
I then moved out of my mum’s and to my dad’s again. It finally worked.
..To be continued… (story of two deaths I have experienced by my loved ones)..
So I’m from Australia and it’s all the same boring thing…
So here’s my story:
My mum started sleeping around with guys that were not her husband and my dad. I walked in on my mum in ‘action’ and it scarred me for life. It wasn’t easy having a bedroom right next door to hers.
My dad found out and left home, which was tragic for all of us. My mum continued being a slut. Still is.
Dad broke some news to us that he has been diagnosed with Lymphoma cancer.
to be continued…
hi, so I have anxiety and depression. I have just experienced one of my ‘depressing days’ and I just want to end it all. I spent hours listening to a song by Nathan Grisdale called ‘Too Young To Die’, then I cried non-stop. I can’t take this anymore please help.