cross my heart, hope to die.

Don’t you ever feel numb all over, for no apparent reason? Welcome to the feeling of depression..
I honestly don’t know what to start with, so let me just say this:
Most of myself (my dark, depressing and suicidal self) actually wants me to kill myself, but I don’t think I have the guts to even do it. But I always think about what will happen, and how I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.
But the (I hate using this word) normal side of me thinks about who it would hurt, and then I’d feel guilty and would want to seek help. But most of me doesn’t want help and just wants to suffer more.
I don’t understand myself anymore.
I think I’m scared of myself..