heartlessviking

Trying to get my feet back under me. Really, trying. Met the new therapist earlier in the week… didn’t even think about that saying all that, telling my story would open all of those wounds. Didn’t worry about the damage, I was floating, and now I’m not.

Every time I try to express confidence, it feels like I’m lying. Like everyone can see me lying, and they just love to see me dig my own hole.

I’m working on this stupid project, trying to wrap my head around some complex math, and that feels like a lie too.

My new therapist said “it sounds like you’ve been kicked […]

Maybe if I write about it, it won’t come for me tonight. I’ve been having a recurring nightmare, that I’m back in the high school I went to, and I’m as old as I am now. I turned 34 on Wednesday, and I’m starting to feel a little old. There is no way I could be mistaken for a teenager, and in the dream I am mocked by the teachers of the classes; “That’s what happens to con artists.”

I’m not convinced they are wrong. I think I was a con artist, thinking I could pull a career out of my skills and limitations. Now what […]

I had this dream, a long time ago, it feels like an age though chronologically it was a decade. Now, I could be happy with so much less, but even that meager provision remains a fantasy. This is why I lack faith, I am told of a God who can move mountains, but he thus far has not moved me to a place of safety and comfort.

The wife and I had a really good chat today about precisely what we want; simple, but it remains out of reach.

It leaves my heart heavy, that I wonder if my parents death is what I have waited on […]

Earlier today I was looking in the mirror, looking at my eyes which have become more hollow and empty these days. Looking, it was obvious why;

I dedicated my life towards trying to make my fellow humans more empathetic, more kind, and came up short on resources. The millions of people who worked on this same thing, they are giving up. The forces of cruelty and division are persistent, and the defense has surrendered.

I don’t think we can call ourselves “human” anymore, because we are not humane.

Us, the ones so pained by the loss? We’re the canaries in the coal mine. The air has gone bad, […]

I don’t want to say “I realized”, because that implies that I’m right about it. I don’t know that I am, so I say “I suspect”, and that seems too little. The idea came to me out of the blue, this morning at about 4 AM. First that I’ve gotten really good at talking my subconscious mind into dealing with things that I don’t want to. Take enough pills to sleep, subconscious kicks in and goes to work. It’s a very delicate balance, because if I tick it off I get nightmares, or in the case of this morning waking up into a panic.

The other […]

My body is getting better at saying no, and I’m getting worse at talking it out of it. Yesterday at work I had a two hour long anxiety episode. It was just rolling panic attacks, and I masked my way through it, I thought I was going to get away with it and bounce back….

but things got worse when I got home. I was too tired to do anything, and my struggle for self care made it so I couldn’t calm down and sleep. Finally at almost midnight I wrote my resignation, turned off my alarm, and decided that there wasn’t any way to keep […]

Unavoidably, being responsible for stuff comes back, and a near enthusiastic engagement with my experiences.

I’m so over it though. Maybe that means doing these things “ironically”, all the while in the back of my mind, my bags are packed, fuck this place, fuck these people, and none of this will ever really matter.

My only true love is the void, dancing with it fascinates me. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like it is worth going on.

Today someone said to me “fuck death” and I thought about the game fuck marry kill, and I’d marry death, there are way sexier things out there, but […]

when I’m railing against things, and intoxicated, I should probably just ride it out, or write and put it in a text doc. I get that. Had a decent night sleep, accomplished a bit today, trying to find a “healthy balance”… ie, reaching the point that I feel like the one in the driver’s seat of my life. Not sure that’s possible, but that’s the direction I’m moving in.

sometimes I think that I’m so tired and in pain I imagine things. Today I imagined that someone reflected right back at me my suspicions that we are in an age of cruelty, there is no place left for kindness or compassion in this hard old world. Mind, I intend to help people for a bit longer, and so did the man I thought told me the same. Did he though? How could things be so terrible? How could it really be that hopeless?

I was vulnerable, yuck. Kindness is a gentle poison, and I almost felt understood. What if that is illusion as well? I […]

I sit here, most of the day, thinking, trying to raise the will power to do anything at all.

Some ideas of mine seem rather harmful, likely to bring me more pain in time. One of them is smoking cannabis, my dependence on it has expanded past where I am okay with. The big granddaddy of them all is alcohol. I used to be a casual rare user of it, but in these past few months, I’ve found comfort in it more than once. It killed my grandfather. It’s killed many more.

So I end up getting up ready to make a drink, and thinking to myself; […]

Maybe the word is used up, but it has been a peculiar day, I dare call it weird.

When I woke up, it was an hour from when I had to leave, and basicly psyched myself up; get through today, then deal with the rest. This is for my first full day of training, at a job I am seven years overqualified for.  A job where the people we help are only an economic rung lower than myself. A job where I’m supposed to prevent suicide.

I don’t know how that’s going to roll out, me being suicidal myself. Not that anyone has figured out, but you’d […]

I thought it would go away if I stopped with the THC, but it isn’t. I dissociate from my body, I don’t feel like I belong to it.

It’s kind of like when I first wake up, and instead of taking the controls of my body, I burrow deeper into non-being.

Meanwhile, I feel undone/abstract in general. I got denied a job because I’m overqualified… and the employer didn’t believe me that other jobs in my field wouldn’t have me. It’s been two years, and it’s going to take me several more to seek out a more productive degree…. and what’s the point?! I don’t believe in […]

Is a few days too early to resent an employer? Not for me, apparently. I’ve never reached the point that I need to set my boundaries with an employer up front, and if they can’t respect that they can go to hell. The new gig wants me to be clean of THC, something I very much could have and would have done if they had asked nicely, instead they sprung it on me when it was far too late to get clean enough for a drug test. So I went immediately out and took that drug test, if this practice is more important than employee […]

Yesterday it was just nonspecific anxiety, I wasn’t sure what cost the new job and my financial situation would cost…. now I know. I have to give up THC, which was helping in some quite useful ways; allowing me to sleep and eat relatively normally. The new job said I had to stop, they didn’t put it in any of the stuff we talked about leading up to today, and having my medical card, I guess I thought I’d be allowed to keep it.

I’m in a pretty dark place, not sure when I’ll be able to eat or sleep again. I’m strangely having to cycle […]

Horror is the discovery of events that have already happened that are terrible. To be blunt, it’s everywhere. The history of mankind; people made choices, many of those choices were awful. Horror is finding out that they were worse than you thought.

Terror though, that’s the anticipation of awful things yet to come. That’s the one I can’t get myself around, and I haven’t been able to find someone who has an effective strategy to deal with terror. Terror is a white hot anxiety in my belly. Things have gone so wrong, that already is, can’t make it less so by thinking about it. Terror though, […]

I got a job offer, which is nice. Firmly nice to okay, because it’s working at a hospital making very little money, and it’s with adults in crisis, so I guess my experience here will help with that (not that I mentioned it, they think I’m the picture of health.)

It’s a good shift, 7 AM – 3 PM Saturday – Wednesday. It’s something to do, where I might get to help people. That’s a fringe benefit, mostly it’s to keep my hands busy and make money to fix up some things.

ugh, the anxiety I’ve had, and the anxiety I expect to have will not be […]

Reading is what keeps me going best, good books, fair weather and decent food, I could get by on that.

Anyway, lately I’ve actually been reading some stories I thought other suicidally inclined people might appreciate. Two stories quickly I’ll tell you about, then I’m back to the stacks!

Black Farm -Elias Witherow

The first one was a bit of my normal selection, it was a cosmic/spiritual horror book, and trigger warning, because suicidality is very front and center for the whole book. It’s about this couple who die together and end up in an absurd wonderland/waking nightmare. It took me multiple sittings to finish it, but I’m […]

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. My energy levels are low, made worse by the lack of daylight. I can’t afford to fix my bike, so I can’t go ride, one of the few things I was able to do outside the house. Wife is struggling too, not much I’ve been able to do to help.

This week I started really applying to jobs that I am way overqualified for. 15 years into a career, you’d think experience would count for something. Anyway, returning to the well of things I’ve already done, applied to work on a psych ward as a tech. I did it […]

Sometimes, I just get so frustrated and mad, then at first it feels like I’m stuck, can’t move. Then my hands start shaking, arms, I clench and unclench random muscles… I can push more, but stopping it isn’t something I can do.

I tried, that was a mistake. That sums it up. I applied to more jobs, because even some money would be better than being absolutely destitute. I “heard back” from two. One asked me to keep working on my application last night. Then, before I woke up today, they sent me an email that they weren’t interested. What the ever loving fuck? I know […]

Gotta dance

Ya gotta wait

Gotta try,

Gotta fail,

You gotta blow your brains out

You gotta weep,

Gotta cry,

Gotta suffer,

Gotta die,

You gotta blow your brains out

Gotta put that bastard down,

Gotta top your self off,

Give the dice a roll,

Bust your spinal cord,

You gotta lose control!!!!

AAAAAÀUUUUGH!!!!

you gotta mask,

Cause bye and bye,

We are all slated to die,

The world will pull your soul out,

Turns all smiles into frown,

Deeper than any previous down