Yesterday it was just nonspecific anxiety, I wasn’t sure what cost the new job and my financial situation would cost…. now I know. I have to give up THC, which was helping in some quite useful ways; allowing me to sleep and eat relatively normally. The new job said I had to stop, they didn’t put it in any of the stuff we talked about leading up to today, and having my medical card, I guess I thought I’d be allowed to keep it.
I’m in a pretty dark place, not sure when I’ll be able to eat or sleep again. I’m strangely having to cycle down my meds, because that is the only thing I can manipulate, that and alcohol. I’m thinking about going to the doctor tomorrow and asking them what they can do for me. The problem is right now I’m on medicare, so there are several narcotics they just won’t give me, like valium and xanex. The good stuff, in other words.
I felt really suicidal about the whole thing earlier. Then homicidal, then I flirted with the idea of bank robbery or arson. Still not discounting those, I’m in a lot of pain, and given that the methods I had to cope are being snatched away, for $12.50 an hour no less……. What am I going to do with this pain? I guess get busy figuring out how to either escape or die. That’s the message here, delivered via the only people willing to interview me; this is all you can get, either adapt up, or figure out how to die.
I can figure out how to die, I’ve tried not to, but I suppose there isn’t much point to trying to make it work anymore.
My favorite bit from today was a fantasy I had about ripping off one of my arms and running down the street wacking hapless civilians with my dismembered arm… thinking about the blood on their face, hilarious…. not that I think I could, but I got a chuckle out of how creative I get with my ideas for how to disturb others.