heartlessviking

Therapy happened today, and it came down to that I’m never really happy unless I’m neck deep in the utter horror of the awful things happening around me. I don’t know how to make anyone other than another mental health worker understand. Well, cops and medical workers seem to get it also. So my therapist helped me find a way to apply for a job in crisis response.

It involved talking to a company that….. I have a lot of doubts about. I feel like an addict in need of a fix. Because this company can connect me with local cops, I can be on the […]

What will be left of me when I’m gone? I know no one cares. I am but a scream in the void, and will be missed about as much.

It irritates me when I find a talented author, and they have but one work. Such is the case with the book I’m reading right now, Sins of the Flesh by Don Davis. There are multiple men named Don Davis and none of them ever wrote anything resembling this book ever again. This book was released 36 years ago. A distant scream in the void. He released it, I think with his son Jay Davis who also […]

I keep going over and over it in my head; what did I do to deserve this? I can’t have done anything that bad. Then I think about some of you that I’ve gotten to know, I know some of you think you’ve done something bad, but bad enough to be stuck depressed and hopeless? I don’t think you’ve done something that bad either.

Maybe it’s an immature approach, assuming that people should get what they deserve. I keep going back over all the awful things I ever did, but haven’t I done penance for those awful things?! I tried to kill someone once, okay, a […]

For all my ability to shake off chemical dependency, there’s one thing I’m still stuck on; this blasted machine.

A few minutes ago it did that thing that it does every now and then, click goes a fuse. I don’t understand why on a perfectly sunny day, almost no wind.

What it means though is that I have to reboot. It’s almost the only reason I ever have to. Which means I have to close everything… and it’s just irritating and it highlights how dependent and attached I am to this whole machine I am. I’m watching my afternoon show, so that has to shift.

I did notice […]

I applied for my first job in at least a month, and there was a bit of excitement there; you know that feeling of what if I got the job and it would be nice to be working and earning a living and all that….

A few minutes later I realized I applied for one job. What are the actual odds of me getting one job….. the modern market has been pretty bleak. I tried looking in a few more places, and I tried to get interested in anything else and it just wasn’t happening. This was a flash in a pan, I got lucky in […]

We’re at something like four days, which isn’t a lot. I’m more interested in discussing how unremarkable the drop has beeen. I actually think the cannabis was doing less than I gave it credit for, given how the last few days have gone. If it was doing more, the last few days should have gone worse.

This is a pattern with me and drugs, because of how many of them I’m almost always on. I’m almost off the Prozac as well.

It’ll take a month before it’ll do me any good. I guess the upshot is I’m also not smoking.

Cat also came home from the hospital, we’re […]

I’ve decided not to apply for Fall semester grad school, which was my plan for my life.

So, here I am, without a plan. I can’t do what my degree is in, not in this state. I’ve worked for every hospital in the city. I can’t figure out how to afford this move, and without that, I can’t figure out how to have any kind of future.

My parents solution, optimists that they are, is to go back to work. My dad seriously thought I could deliver for Amazon. That’s hilarious. My back couldn’t handle being an electrician, which is WAAAAAY less strain than working as a […]

My wife’s cat is very sick, apparently his bladder is blocked. The worst part of this is that we found it out at 11:30 PM at an after hours vet. I might be getting ahead of myself, let’s rewind.

It started with my wife asking me to help her find the cat. I guessed he’d found a new hiding place, that happens in our house a fair amount of the time. I asked her the critical questions; whether any of the doors to the outside had been left open, and they hadn’t. So he was inside, therefor findable. After about ten minutes of searching I ended […]

Is my perception the problem? That’s what I’m wondering right now. Inflation is going nuts around here. Eggs used to cost $2 for a dozen, now $5. Almost everything is 20% to 30% more expensive. However I ran into the most expensive price hike yet yesterday. I have a good legal supplier for my cannabis that I can buy a whole ounce from at a time, prepack, and I used to be able to get it for $40 back in November. I got $60 out of the bank because I thought I might want to get something else at the store, but I did suspect […]

Oklahomans don’t understand winter, another reason I want out of this nutty place. Everything was closed Monday for Presidents Day, then the snowstorm came Tuesday and the next day apparently my pharmacy still hadn’t dug themselves out yet. So it was Thursday before I got my medications refilled, and today before I got to try out my new medication.

I say new medication. Supposedly, if my memory which is notoriously spotty is anything to go by is correct I have been on it on some point. At some point when I was briefly hospitalized I got a look at my chart and was incensed to find […]

Today in therapy my therapist brought up one of my great failures, not finishing my double major. Forgive me if I have told the story before. It was the end of my junior year of college, and I was doing really well. I had just come back from presenting my psychology research at conference in Denver Colorado, my GPA was approaching 4.0 I had a lovely fiance, things were going well. I had finished my community college programming school at community college in the Spring it was Fall of 2019.

The class was Computer Architecture, and it was taught by a man to whom English was […]

I always liked Tom Jones, if only because he’s so darned silly. So when I ran into one of his songs in another language my initial reaction was one of outrage on behalf of Jones “how dare they rip off Tom Jones”, imagine my surprise to learn the tune was older and Tom Jones was ripping it off. However, the lyrics are those that he made famous, so he gets the credit for that.

The Italian version translates to “my eyes” and has nothing to do with helping yourself. It does sound nice though. Which do you guys prefer?

I also feel like telling my other Tom […]

I’m not at my lowest by a long shot, but I’m not doing well. I’m really not sure how to recover until my career takes some turn. It’s possible at this point, but not certain. Somewhere in the past few years I stopped believing my value was directly related to employment. It is nice to be employed, gives a bit of hustle and action to a day. That’s not a right, it’s something we want to happen.

This is all me being very rational and nice about the thing that all I need is an employer to stay in business long term. I need them to […]

I turned 37 today. It’s not a big landmark birthday or anything, creeping closer to the big 4-0 which isn’t looming like 30 did. As a middle aged man I’m in the top demographic for suicide, which is interesting I guess. Like I said a few days ago, I think the smoking is going to take care of that for me in due course. I don’t have to work at it. Last night my knees gave out under me, just like an old chair the joints failed. No one saw, but I did.

Anyway usually it feels like my birthday is cursed but it’s been such […]

Today when I went into a convenience store there was a sign that said something to the effect; “smoking kills more people than murder suicide and so on….. every day”

It just bugs me, non smokers don’t have a clue in this world how smokers brains work. Like we don’t know we’re shaving years off our lives, as though it isn’t intentional.

I go back to the Kurt Vonnegut quote;

“The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.”

I was loading up the truck yesterday, got short of breath […]

That exit I had been hoping for is getting so slim, I’m starting to realize where I’m at; a place of hopelessness, a place where I scream into the void. Treatment folks showed up at the house earlier today, and in that checkup I realized how hard I’ve been running from admitting to myself how hopeless I feel. There’s just no will to become anymore. Sure, I could be something, but will to become, that desire to be is fading over here. Someone has to be willing, and they aren’t acting it.

I ran as fast as I could after that thing. I tried to catch […]

So much of it comes back to that I’m not sufficiently sorry, I’m not ashamed. I look at what I am, and by all accounts the thing I am was something I used to feel bad about. That’s just something I’ve been getting over.

I was going to lead with the German version of “Someone has to be Krampus”, but then I remembered this existed and thought it was a better choice for the moment. Where did the shame go though? I remember thinking there was something wrong with me, and I did all the corrective actions back when I believed there was something wrong with […]

some things drive me to true and complete madness, like a starving man tortured with pictures of food, or a thirsty one given images of water, and it’s this;

There are a few dozen fat billionaires currently setting up their lives, they have nothing better to do than build rockets and fund AI. Ruining lives is all they do.

Meanwhile there’s a piece of woods sitting out there for $106,000 and if I had it I’d be a lot less angry at life. I could build a little cabin on it, and a pole barn, and get some stuff done….. that amount of money to one of […]

I got some emotional news today. My cousin who is three years older than me is still alive. I had been living for the last year or two on equal understanding that she might be dead. I didn’t want her dead, but it’s a hazard of how she’s living her life.

Her being alive though, that’s shocking. Turns out she had syphilis and smoked some fentynyl along the way, see what I mean? Her being alive is a rather amazing thing. She’s turning 40 this year. I wonder if I’ll see her again.

Sometimes I wonder if my whole family is under some sort of supernatural pact […]

Every year I dive ever deeper into the wonders of our wide scope of Christmas media and add a few more movies to the pile. I don’t like to repeat all of my past discoveries, because some of them are bad and others have already done their job. I have a complicated relationship with the season, this year being unemployed I’m medium cranky. I have a strong love for Christmas horror and bad movies though, and this year like every year delivered both.

I guess that’s where I’ll start,

The Mean One (2022)

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