I’ve been on Wellbutrin for a bit over a week now. It was prescribed not because I’m depressed, but because I’m apparently emotionally numb and to stop me from obsessing over the idea of dying. I can’t say I fully agree those are my problems, but I couldn’t really think of a solvable problem, so I went with it. It’s done it’s job to an extent. I’ve only really thought about suicide once since I’ve been on it. It was a much stronger urge than I’ve been used to. Normally I just think through the logic behind it; weigh it as an option, but the […]
HeWhoHasAHat
It’s been nearly three weeks since the world was told of my plan to kill myself. Now, here I am, stuck fighting to make myself want to live. I see no point in living, I’d rather just quit. It’s like being drafted to fight a useless war with no hope of victory. Friends and family want me to go on, but what good is living if it’s only done for the desires of others? I can make myself forget the utter pointlessness with simple distractions: videogames, television, exercise, conversation…but they all feel so empty. Nothing has value, nothing ever can. I don’t want to just […]
On April 18th, after three months with the plan, I nearly killed myself. I had my charcoal ready, but changed my mind before getting in the car with the grills. I told my parents of my plans the next day ended up spending a week in the hospital. No medication was prescribed and I left feeling ready to go on with life. I’ve been out about a week now, but earlier this evening my mind went back where it was before. I see no reason to continue. My life is good relative to that of the average person, but that doesn’t matter if life doesn’t […]
Im sitting on the beach 5 hours from home waiting on the charcoal to get ready and doubts are combing to me. What if im wrong? What if there is a god? what if I wake up with brain damage? what if I succeed? its too late to go back now. I spent way too much of my parents money. I’ve ruined relationships. I’ve let my good grades drop to straight F’s. I can’t go back.
Pardon my grammar, its a bit cold and im typing from a phone.
This Sunday evening I shall leave. I’ll spend the weekend visiting my parents, and following lunch I’ll get in my car and drive to the beach. I’ll park at a friend’s empty beach house. While I wait for my car to fill to the sufficient concentration of carbon monoxide, I’ll listen through my final play list and stare off at the bay. Once it’s about ready I’ll take a small dose of my sleep aid and get in. I’ll set some more charcoal on the grill for safe measure and wait. I’m excited. I’ll finally know what it feels like to be taken by death. […]