HollowOcean

I thought this period of my life was over. It’s been 2 years since I self-harmed last and more than a year since I actually wanted to kill myself. Things are going good for me. I just can’t seem to get it right, this living thing. I rot, and rot, and rot.

I didn’t have any sharp enough clades in the house. I had finally gotten rid of my backup razor blade. I really thought

I didn’t even break much skin. The blade it too dull. I want to scream.

I almost said to my best friend as she was walking […]

I royally messed up last night. I haven’t had friends in awhile so I can mess things up so easily. I was so stressed cause if finals week my brain wasn’t working and I couldn’t stop going on and on to my house being totally unkept and ridiculous and made my roommate seem like she has all these secrets and she doesn’t even know what’s going on in her life and she was upset but the kind upset and I talked to her about it and apologized and she also guessed who I had a crush on and it felt so patronizing cause she has […]

Alone. That’s what I am now. I pushed everyone away and even if i wanted them back i couldnt have them because no one sticks around for someone as pathetic as me.

Sometimes I wonder if it will always be like this and I’ll never regain my confidence or self esteem and I’ll just be friendless forever. I want to be fine with that but my biweekly panic attacks tell me different. I’m just a failure in everything, even in being alone. Even in dying, because I’m obviously, blatantly still here on this messed up planet. i just want everything to go away forever

I’m so empty. I’m nothing, but I can be nothing because no one ever sees that and always assume that surely i am something cause everyone has to be, so they just dump all these expectations on me that always go unfulfilled because they’re for normal people, and im not normal, im nothing. Sometimes I think about the far-ahead future and wish that i was something but i know that its a lie because what im really wishing for is to be someone else entirely, and thats not possible. at least not in this life. If I do feel anything its just sadness, or sometimes […]

My days are all blank except for her. everything is grey and unknown and scary but when I see her I calm down. If only I wasn’t so broken and messy, then maybe I could act on what I feel. But it’s just looks and long nights awake and wishing things were different like I could just drag both of us away from the world just to talk to her. I did not expect to love her. Is it love? I don’t know everything about her yet, and it wasn’t love at first sight. It just came upon me crashing down when I imagined her […]

I’ve actually given up. If I was depressed before, I have not the slightest inclination of what to call myself now. I’m just a failure that’s way past self-hatred and just looks in the mirror at a blank slate. All I can do now is sleep, eat, cry, and go on the internet while rebellious tears run down my face. I haven’t gotten out of bed for more than a week now and I’ve gone for longer but there is no hope for me now. How can I possibly keep going? It is so painful to live; I’m so tired of it all, half the […]

I wanted to kill myself today, but then I remembered that it’s the holidays, and I didn’t want to be part of that statistic.

I need to go to school if there’s any chance left for me. I know my dreams of being a writer and marine biologist and having kids and family and love and being a crabby hippie old lady and jumping off a cliff in the end so I can fly but it will never happen because I’m hopeless and weak and I have no future. If I keep sleeping and staring at the ceiling or my phone all day, I’ll just give up again and beg my parents to send my to a different school yet again, and the same problems will befall me. All […]

I feel it again. When I first got this account the day after I thought I was doing better but it was another lie I shoved down my own throat. I need to be away, I need to be gone. There is no future for me and as much as I’d like to get past all this and have one, I can’t even begin to imagine one because I know I’ll most likely be dead by then. If I’m not I just pity myself and want to throw up over life and hate myself all over again. The only thing keeping me here is that […]